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-   -   Poly on the Rocks (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12737)

PickMoreDaisies 07-28-2011 04:10 PM

Poly on the Rocks
I am PickMoreDaisies. You can call me Daisy...or whatever you like. I don't normally post very much but I do lurk a whole lot.

I'm going to start this 'life story' thread because things have gone off the deep end for me in many ways and I imagine that it will take a long time to get it back on track.

My poly was strong. I had excellent communication with my common-law partner of 10 years or so. (We'll call him C). We have three children in a blended family. I had no jealousy about him flirting or having sex with other people. He did. I dated a few people and had one fairly long relationship that lasted over a year.

Three weeks ago I was diagnosed with MS after a week long stay in the hospital.

I don't know what the diagnosis means for my life. I am still recovering from a pretty big 'flare-up' that had me in a wheelchair. I am ok with the diagnosis, for the most part. It is actually a refief to finally know what is wrong with me...I have been plagued by weird neurological symptoms my entire life. I am looking forward to some clarity and treatment options.

My concerns are not for my health. My concerns are for the health of my relationship. At about the same time I got sick C was having a bunch of luck with dating. I could not bring myself to ask him not to, and I still can't. I could not ask him to stop seeing this one girl that he was seeing before I got sick just because I got sick. That ended but he is now dating another girl since I have been home from the hospital. I should say that these are just girls he is dating...not currently in love with. It was/is making him so happy to be dating that I can't tell him to stop. I know that this diagnosis is taking it's toll on him too and I want him to be able to escape, take a time out and go on a date to forget about taking care of me.

However, I can't handle it. I have tried giving him my ring back. We have been engaged for 4 years. I have offered to stay at my mother's house. I want him to be able to live his life but I can't include poly in my life right now (haven't said this to him). He says that if I left he would be torn apart. Still, I am on the verge of leaving...

SNeacail 07-28-2011 04:33 PM


Tell him what you have said here. You guys are facing life chaning medical issues right now. Talk to him! Having him back off from dating is not an unfair request while you deal with current issues, it doesn't have to be permanent. Find a solution together, remember guys like to try and "fix" things, he can't "fix" your medical problems, so give him something else to work on that he can fix.

PickMoreDaisies 07-28-2011 05:11 PM

I can't tell him that I can't handle him dating.... i would rather leave than ask that. i don't know why. I think I'm afraid if I tell him to stop and then later I am OK with things again I will feel like it was not necessary to ask him to stop. It seems like a better option to leave, get my feet on the ground, come to terms with things and then come back when i can deal with things again.

He feels differently. He is hurt that when the really bad things happen in my life I turn away from him. i just can't feel OK with burdening him with this. It shouldn't change HIS life. Poly isn't a 'lifestyle' choice...you can't just turn it off when the going gets tough...well maybe some people can...I don't know.

I will try and talk to him some more...

PickMoreDaisies 07-28-2011 06:02 PM

This whole thing is changing the way that I am able to think about poly as well. i was so confident, secure, and happy. Now i can't get the thought out of my head that he would be better off with someone else. i can't help but feel that I will never be able to meet his needs in the way that gave me confidence before.

Honestly, I question my ability to easily deal with anything life throws at me. I have never felt threatened by other women. I have always had the opinion that I am awesome! LOL. Sure, I have things that i fret about, but they are minor. I have always felt secure in the fact that C would never leave me. I have lost all of that.

Do you think that illness/disease makes you more insecure?

I feel like I have to start in the 'New to Poly' section and deal with things that were never a problem for me before...

nycindie 07-28-2011 06:12 PM

You need to tell him that you aren't comfortable with poly anymore, or for now. It wouldn't be the first time a poly couple took a break from it to handle important life circumstances. Talking to him would support your well-being, and his. Come clean!

SNeacail 07-28-2011 06:17 PM


Originally Posted by PickMoreDaisies (Post 94223)
He feels differently. He is hurt that when the really bad things happen in my life I turn away from him. i just can't feel OK with burdening him with this. It shouldn't change HIS life.

Of course he feels hurt by this, you are telling him that you don't trust him and in turn making both of you miserable.

Personally, some of the thought that would be going through my mind if I was in his situation would be 1. she would abandon me if the situation were reversed 2. she has a very low opinion of me 3. If she really loved me she wouldn't push me away. I'm sure that none of these are the messages you really want to send.


Poly isn't a 'lifestyle' choice...you can't just turn it off when the going gets tough...well maybe some people can...I don't know.
Slowing down/backing off temprorarily is not "turning it off". Neither is just expressing your struggle with it at the moment. He may not even have the "need" to date at the moment (or as often) except for the fact that you are pushing him away. Let him decide what he needs.

For reasons beyond both of your control, you need more from him than you did before. This is not a bad thing, it is life. When you do talk to him, remember to listen to what he says to you also, let him be a part of the solution. He may have a compromise that works better for everyone and right now you are denying him that opportunity.

I would also seriously suggest that you get evaluated for depression.

PickMoreDaisies 07-28-2011 07:00 PM

Thanks for your posts. It has given me a lot to think about.

I'm curious about the comment about depression. I don't feel that I am depressed; maybe sad. I usually view depession as a persistent state that has no real cause and that lasts for some time. By that definition I am not depressed I don't think.

dingedheart 07-28-2011 07:18 PM

First I want to say I'm very sorry you are having health issues that in its self is stressful enough....and then all this other stuff just compounds problem.

The thing the struck me was that he wants to date or go on dates while you are in the hospital or just home from the hospital ...I couldn't do that...my focus would be on the person suffering not on myself.... Not sure what he's thinking about but I know you are not wrong for how you feel right now. You need to concentrate on your recovery period. If his role can be positive and productive great....if not you need to create some distance. Take care of yourself.... D

PickMoreDaisies 07-30-2011 03:39 AM

I did talk to him some more. I'm not sure that I am happy with it but I agreed that I could likely handle him chatting with people right now. I hate putting limitations on things...it's not my style. I just want to be able to put everything out of my head right now and focus on recovering...I can't imagine dealing with any other issues if they came up. Actually even focusing on recovering is difficult enough...

I thought about whether I was 'pushing him away'. I would say that I tend to get withdrawn in times of crisis, I'm not sure if it's the same thing. It's possible that it feels the same to him though.

I tried to say that I wasn't comfortable with him dating at all. I said that I couldn't think about anyone else. I said that I understood that he was excited to be dating but that I just couldn't carry on with poly right now. He was hesitant to discuss it claiming it was counter productive to discuss the very thing that I said that I couldn't handle thinking about....which I suppose is true.

Maybe I was afraid to ask him to stop because maybe he wouldn't....

In the end I compromised. How happy am I with that? I think I might throw up.

I can't help thinking that if he had a 'relationship' with someone I wouldn't even consider asking for it to end. But come on...striking up a new 'thing' when this is going on it ridiculous in my mind!! If he was sick I would like to think that I would drop any scheduled movie dates with strangers and deal with the crisis. I would like to think that there wouldn't be any room for anything else. It is the very last thing I would expect from C. He is my rock. He always has been....

Magdlyn 07-30-2011 04:48 PM

Hey Daisy, welcome to the board. I am glad you got your diagnosis so you can get proper treatment.

I wanted to chime in here, because my gf of 2 1/2 years is also handicapped. She has been all her life, born with a congenital defect that caused her arms to be of shorter length, with missing thumbs and less range of motion overall. Also, she is male to female transgendered, which can be seen as a very challenging medical issue as well.

I find her the most fascinating sexy entertaining insightful sweet and loving person I have ever met.

I can see why finding out you have MS has caused a blow to your self esteem and confidence. But please don't sell yourself short. Don't sell your bf short either. You're still YOU. I'm sure he has never expected you to be perfect. After all, nobody is.

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