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-   -   emergency advice please (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12728)

Freedom 07-28-2011 11:03 AM

emergency advice please
Hi people

I have just come out to my girlfriend that I want to be poly. she seems to have gone into a state of depression. i have tried to explain to her that it is nothing personal. it is just my sexuallity. she says she believes me but she cant be logical about it and she feels unattractive and unworthy. not sure what to say to her and i feel lost as to how to continue with this. :(

any advice at all would be welcome please?


sage 07-28-2011 01:14 PM

Hi and welcome
There are lots of things your can do to support your girlfriend: check out my blog www.polyamorouspeople.com, check out some of the earlier posts when I was struggling with the same thing. You can search out threads on here for mono/poly relationships. You can join the livingpolymono group at yahoo groups this is a group for polyamorous people in relationships with people who identify as monogamous. You could also get your girlfriend to join the polymono group at yahoo groups which is for monos in relationships with polyamorous people. Both sites can be found through google.

You seem to be taking this very lightly, even though your post is entitled "emergency". Maybe not, but it sounds like you're surprised at her response. It can be a huge deal for someone who feels monogamous to come to terms with a partner who wants a polyamorous lifestyle. Some never can and you may have to choose between the lifestyle you want and your girlfriend.
Poly/mono relationships that work well seem to be the exception rather than the rule and require bucket loads of work and emotional intelligence. Are you up for it?

redpepper 07-28-2011 07:16 PM


Originally Posted by Freedom (Post 94184)
I want to be poly.

it is just my sexuallity.

Is it your identity? Or the lifestyle youi want to live? You seem to be confused about that. Both are very different. Identity is that you are born this way; that is to love many at once, actively and lifestyle is that you like to be intimate and close with many at once but could be monogamous also. Figuring this out might help.

What does she know of poly? Maybe you and here should read here a bit together and do some learning. Then talk about what it means to you and what she thinks of it all.

Chances are she is feeling threatened and fearful of what it all means and where she fits. Tell her you love her and telling her because you don't want to hurt her by landing this info in her lap when you fall in love. Its out there so that you and her can work through it, because you love her.

Give it time. Its all new. She will start feeling on the up swing in no time likely. :)

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