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-   -   insecure... but is it normal or should I "get over it"? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12721)

newbiepoly 07-28-2011 07:25 AM

insecure... but is it normal or should I "get over it"?
So I'm starting to date this couple and it's been really great so far, but I also recently got out of something and I'm realizing over time how much it really affected me.
The last relationship I was in wasn't healthy and I didn't realize it and until I officially ended it how unhealthy it really was. I felt like I wasn't allowed to talk about the bad things in my life because her life was so much harder than mine and she would give me crap about it. She didn't ever want to listen to me if I was having a hard time and was rarely ever sympathetic. When we had a minor misunderstanding it got blown way out of proportion and she started attacking me and stating hurtful things (that I was selfish, playing a game with her and I was bratty and that she had wanted to call me bratty many times before, etc) and the misunderstanding was that she was driving me home and I didn't fully understand what she was saying (I have a hearing loss). It was very 180 and hurtful. I am noticing now, after I've cut her off, that I haven't been acting myself ever since we broke up (early June) and that I feel like I'm not allowed to really talk about anything; that I keep seeing myself through her eyes.
This new couple I am seeing, it's very strange how comfortable and free flow everything is and it feels great but at the same time, I'm a little insecure because I feel like I've been torn up and spat out... but when I think about that, I start to feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but... again, I feel really damaged by this last relationship I was in and I think it's understandable to feel that way.
I'm stuck and want to be open and honest with this couple but I'm scared I will overdo it and will be seen as someone who can't over an ex...but, I feel like this is more than a simple "not letting go of the past" issue... I don't know. I'm stuck.
They know I was in a bad relationship before but they don't know the full on details. They are all about taking it as it is, but, we've hung out 4 times and 3 of those times we've had sex and it's been great but I'm starting to get nervous now.

Breathesgirl 07-28-2011 09:11 AM

Even if you don't tell them about what went on in 100% detail you do need to get past that relationship.

That could include things like: telling your couple about it, writing about it, therapist

Talk to them, tell them what is going on with you, that you didn't realize just how much that relationship affected you so you need some time to work through it and get past it so you can start to love yourself again.

Good luck.

redpepper 07-28-2011 02:36 PM

There is no shame in not getting over something from your last relationship. Humans are emotional beings and not as thick skinned as we like to think we are. Talk to them. If this is a full fledged relationship/partnership then complete honesty and openness is necessary in order to make your self vulnerable to the situation.

There is a video link I posted here once about the importance of vulnerability. Brene brown is the speaker in the video. She is excellent on this topic. Ted talks search for her name.

I don't think you have to do all this now. Pacing yourself is totally acceptable. After all, its only been a few dates.

GroundedSpirit 07-28-2011 02:56 PM

Hey Newbie,

Well, guess what. 'Bad' relationships are the most common and I'm not sure if there's anyone who hasn't been in one. But they serve an important purpose. They teach us what we DON'T want.

So clinging to it as anything more than a 'lesson' is really just being self indulgent. It's like carrying that stone on your back into the future. So in reality you are STILL in that same bad relationship.

Not many people will have high tolerance for that. Sorry.

I suggest you take the lesson, drop the stone, and build something new & better :)


Minxxa 07-29-2011 05:51 PM

I just have to say I hate the phrase "get over it". It seems so brutal, as if being hurt or made vulnerable by things that happen to you is something that shouldn't happen. It also feels like someone things the "get over it fairy" will show up and poof! You're over it!

I much prefer.. working through it. That can happen in a variety of ways and everybody will find ways that work best for them. It can be talking to a counselor, doing some reading, journaling, lots and LOTS of self care, and learning to be gentle with yourself.

Being honest with the couple that there are a few things you are working through from the past relationship is important, too, so that if something comes up that's really a vestige of that past relationship, you can let them know and they won't think it's about them. And maybe they can offer support in those instances, too.

I doubly second listening to Brene Brown. She has a couple of longer talks on You Tube, and seriously... awesome and wonderful.

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