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-   -   Controlling NRE (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12715)

openbj 07-28-2011 03:34 AM

Controlling NRE
 
I went through the tag for NRE and didn't see anything in there that seemed relevant to the topic (although I'm sure it's been discussed time and again, just not tagged I guess).

How does one control NRE so as not to let it get out of control and end up hurting others?

J has a real problem with NRE. I have read through the forum enough to know what's going on, so I'm not having too much of a problem with it (there are a couple of things) for the most part. But, his stepmom is noticing things and is really upset right now, which causes his dad in turn to be upset. We are not "out" to them and never will be. That's just not a part of our lives that is their concern or need to know. But, I would like to have some info to share with J on how to control the NRE, as he knows and acknowledges that this is a problem area for him. Not just an NRE problem, but a new energy all around. Doesn't matter what it is that is new, J throws his all into it, which isn't always a bad thing. But right now, it's causing some pain to our loved ones, especially since they don't know what's going on, which makes it something that we really need to address and remedy ASAP.

This girl is just a temp girl and leaves for college in 2 weeks and then we move to NM not long after, so this one will remedy itself I guess. But for future relationships and the next 2 weeks, advice would be really appreciated.

openbj 07-28-2011 03:44 AM

The time he is spending with her (running errands, meeting up with friends is what he tells his dad and step mom, we are neighbors with them right now) is what has his step mom so upset. She just sees him as leaving his family behind all the time to go have fun on his own. To her, that says he's having an affair and getting ready to leave his family (which he's not, I know everything that's going on when it's going on) like her first husband did to her.

Hardison 07-28-2011 05:23 AM

I think you have his mother's feelings figured out quite well. People are always left with a little bit of a sore spot over things that caused emotional pain for them. She is projecting onto her step-son's behaviour what her painful experiences have taught her about similar behaviours.

It might do them some good for him to sit down with her and talk. He doesn't have to come out to her, just say that you guys have noticed how she seems to be reacting to how much time he's spending with his friend, and not to worry, it's because they won't get to spend much time together when she (and then you guys) move away, but nothing has changed between the 2 of you.

I think that little bit of reassurance could change everything for the way she feels about the situation.

openbj 07-28-2011 05:36 AM

That would not fly with her at all, I promise!! What he tells her and Dad is that he's running errands or hanging out with a group of friends from work. If he told her that he was making these trips into town to hang out with a girl, it would be a living hell for all of us until we moved. This is not an option.

She proved tonight that she is more than willing to spout off her feelings and opinions in front of our children. Which is not okay. I will be talking to her about that. My boys did not need to hear the things that she said to me tonight at all. This is a lady that wears her feelings and opinions on her sleeve and is willing to share them with anybody that will listen. Gossip Queen comes to mind when I think of that part of her.

We are in a delicate situation for living in that they own the house we are in right now. She made it very clear tonight that if she continues to see this "leaving the house alone" behavior from J, then they will tell him he is no longer welcome to stay in this house and that he needs to find a new place to live. Obviously, he would not be leaving without the boys and I (although that's her intention). But, we really can't find another place to live for the next month as we prepare to move to NM. Ugh.

He just really needs to get his NRE under control. I've even told him, "Look, start seeing her less now, so that when she leaves for college you're not just left empty. Start weaning yourself now." But he's so blinded by NRE that he just can't see the point.

Hardison 07-28-2011 05:43 AM

:( I don't think I'd want to be living in that situation.

Best of luck with keeping the in-laws happy (or at least quiet) till the move. At least you'll have a fresh start in NM.
Of course he still could talk to her all the same and just not mention that the friend is a girl. "I've got friends I'm not going to get to see much after the move to NM..." but it doesn't sound from what you've said that that would go over much better.
Good luck to you.

openbj 07-28-2011 05:56 AM

It's really not that bad the majority of the time. But when she gets on a rant about something, you're going to know about it and she's going to do her best to control everyone involved.

Breathesgirl 07-28-2011 09:25 AM

Perhaps you and the boys could leave at the same time as him sometimes and go to the park or something while they hang out together, that should at least put her mind at ease on that score.

As for the future, it sounds like the two of you need to put some time limits on how much time he can spend with a new person. He also needs to do some reading of his own on NRE. I highly recommend www.xeromag.com for just such reading. I don't have time right now to do a full on search but he (Franklin Veaux, creator of that site) is very thorough.

NeonKaos 07-28-2011 10:09 AM

Remember, you have 12 hours to edit your posts. After that, they stay the way they are.

redpepper 07-28-2011 07:05 PM

Empathy is how I control NRE. Considering how what I do and say affects all those around me. Thinking of the bigger picture, thinking of the future and realizing that no one is experiencing the intense emotions I am so why should I think they should have to deal with them?

openbj 07-30-2011 03:33 AM

Well, J and I had a talk when he got home from his date the night I posted this. I told him he was no longer able to see her everyday (he usually goes in to see her on her lunch break and she goes to see him on his). I made sure that he understood that it wasn't because I was putting a demand on him like a child or something, but that he needs to cut down on the NRE and allow himself to start pulling away from her. So that way, when she leaves for school in 2 weeks, he's not just left with an immediate cut off. I explained to him how hard that would be on him, and in turn the boys and I because we have to see him sad. He completely understood and agreed.

She's been out of town since yesterday morning and won't be back until later tomorrow for a school camp thing at her new college. So, this has been a great past couple of days where his stepmom has seen him spend a lot of time with us. We haven't talked to her yet as we've all been having too much fun together :) .

So, hubby has acknowledged the overdone NRE and is working on it now.

On the empathy note, that's a difficult one for J. Compassion and empathy are two words that are almost unknown in his mind. He was never taught them growing up. His parents fought all of the time and have always (still do) tried to turn the kids against the other parent. It was a very hard upbringing for him. They finally divorced when he was 14. We were at his older sister's wedding 10 years ago. At the reception, the people that had set it up had accidentally placed their mom and dad's name tags next to each other at a table (even though they had seating charts to follow). It was a disaster!!! Mom was throwing a huge fit saying that the older sister did it on purpose just to get at her (not true) and was crying and whining for weeks. Dad saw it and made a clear statement for everyone around him to hear (Mom included) of "I'm not sitting next to that prickly cactus of a woman!" That was his only statement about it and then he quickly moved on and enjoyed the rest of the night. But, the war was already started and the bride was left very hurt that night :( Every family occasion (child birth, weddings, etc.) is filled with Mom getting hurt or being upset about Dad being there and Dad playing the avoidance game all night because he just doesn't want any part of it. It's horrible!! We all try to alternate the holidays with them to be fair, but it's never good enough for Mom. I love her to death, but she has really let hate and anger eat away at her for far too long.

All of that said to say, J doesn't know what it is to sacrifice for someone he loves or to really communicate all that is going on his head. He's always scared of being judged (his mom's favorite thing to do) or berated in one way or another. He's come a long way in our marriage and does understand a lot more, but he still has some very deep seeded trust issues as a result of his parents. He tells me all the time that he's just amazed at how much he can tell me and really express to me, because he never thought he'd have someone that he could be honest with like that without the judgments following. I really wish that I could just reach into his heart and take away all of the hurts and pains that he has suffered growing up. I didn't have the greatest childhood either (my life growing up could be on Jerry Springer or have a soap opera made after it). But, I tend to let things go instead of hold on to them, and really allow forgiveness to work in my life. J has a really hard time understanding that, but he says it's one of his favorite qualities about me. He says I am his joy and inspiration during the rough times of life, 'cause I always just know it's going to work out and be just fine. :)

I love my husband so much!!!! *blushing*


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