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-   -   NRE vs. old relationship comfortableness (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12706)

Mya 07-27-2011 10:21 PM

NRE vs. old relationship comfortableness
 
I'm having a small problem with dealing with the differences in my two relationships. The other one is 8 years old and the other one less than 4 months old. As you can guess, the newer relationship is still quite full of NRE and our time together is intense and full of emotions. So, the thing is that when I spend time with JJ (the one I've been with for 8 years) after spending time with rory, it always takes me a while to get used to the fact that our relationship is in a different place. There's love of course, but it's less intense and the NRE has worn off a long time ago. I'm finding it hard to remember not to expect same things from these relationships and sometimes I find myself being a little disappointed with the time spent with JJ.

I think there might be something in our living arrangements that have to do with this. I used to live together with JJ, but for the last 9 months or so I've been living apart from him, exept for one 1 month period during that time. This is because of my job. So because at the moment I'm not living with either one of my partners, I only spend "quality time" with them. I mean that I mainly see my partners during the weekends and because there's two of them, I see JJ about twice a month. Because we don't share our everyday life together at the moment, I feel like we should make the most of it when we're together. And that's when I notice that I'm expecting fireworks with him too, even though after 8 years there really isn't much of that anymore. Time with him is comfortable, nice, loving and all that. How come it's so hard to accept that this quality time with him just can't be the same as it is with my other partner? How do I start appreciating more this different kind of time spent with him?

NeonKaos 07-27-2011 10:39 PM

Quote:

How come it's so hard to accept that this quality time with him just can't be the same as it is with my other partner? How do I start appreciating more this different kind of time spent with him?
You get a pencil and paper and you write 5000 times:

"I will appreciate the quality time spent with him even though it can't be the same as it is with my other partner."

Seriously. You smack yourself with a clue-by-four, pull up the big-girl diapers, and just do it. It doesn't have to happen over night. But you basically answered your own question.

Or as Yoda would say: "Just DO. There is no 'try'."

nycindie 07-27-2011 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mya (Post 94097)
. . . when I spend time with JJ (the one I've been with for 8 years) after spending time with rory, it always takes me a while to get used to the fact that our relationship is in a different place.

I have seen several people here talk about needing some transition time after being with one person and in their environment, before jumping back into day-to-day life or relating to another partner. They give themselves an hour (or more) to process before reconnecting with their SO. Redpepper has talked about it. I recall some discussion about it in a thread on a similar topic that I started a while back: How do you avoid distraction? But it has been mentioned in other threads, maybe you can find them in a search.

HTH!

Mohegan 07-28-2011 12:36 AM

Shift your focus from the ways the two relationships dont match up and instead look at and be thankful for these people as individuals. Do you not have friends you spend time with for different reasons? I have the ones I club with, the ones I'v known forever, the ones I share hobbies with. To me the people we are in relationships are the same. I don't compare my friends, I love them for who they are and who I am when I am with them. Same for partners. Love them for who they are, not for the relationship, they are not the relationship, they are people. Love them for what they bring to the relationship.

I believe in the power of thought. If you only look for the negative, that's all you'll be able to see. Look for the positive and celebrate that. Take it upon yourself to celebrate who they are and what they bring to your life as individuals.

Mya 07-28-2011 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 94098)
You get a pencil and paper and you write 5000 times:

"I will appreciate the quality time spent with him even though it can't be the same as it is with my other partner."

Seriously. You smack yourself with a clue-by-four, pull up the big-girl diapers, and just do it. It doesn't have to happen over night. But you basically answered your own question.

Or as Yoda would say: "Just DO. There is no 'try'."

Okay, so I guess it was a stupid question then. I'll just start doing it. :rolleyes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 94103)
I have seen several people here talk about needing some transition time after being with one person and in their environment, before jumping back into day-to-day life or relating to another partner. They give themselves an hour (or more) to process before reconnecting with their SO. Redpepper has talked about it. I recall some discussion about it in a thread on a similar topic that I started a while back: How do you avoid distraction? But it has been mentioned in other threads, maybe you can find them in a search.

HTH!

Thanks for the link, that was an excellent thread! I have also done searches, including tags such as NRE, but I guess it all depends how different threads are tagged. I guess I just needed the transition period as well, but for me it was way more than a few hours. I'm actually feeling better already about my time with JJ. I got time to get used to it and also just writing about it has helped me with this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mohegan (Post 94112)
Shift your focus from the ways the two relationships dont match up and instead look at and be thankful for these people as individuals. Do you not have friends you spend time with for different reasons? I have the ones I club with, the ones I'v known forever, the ones I share hobbies with. To me the people we are in relationships are the same. I don't compare my friends, I love them for who they are and who I am when I am with them. Same for partners. Love them for who they are, not for the relationship, they are not the relationship, they are people. Love them for what they bring to the relationship.

I believe in the power of thought. If you only look for the negative, that's all you'll be able to see. Look for the positive and celebrate that. Take it upon yourself to celebrate who they are and what they bring to your life as individuals.

Thank you Mohegan, this actually helped me a lot! I really try not to compare them, I know that doesn't help anyone. But the thought of thinking more aboout the people than the relationships, that's really good. I try to keep that in mind. :)

NeonKaos 07-28-2011 05:02 PM

It wasn't a stupid question at all. It's just that the answer is not that complicated.

lovinhimloviner 07-28-2011 07:52 PM

I find I am having a bit of the same issue. The difference is both of my SO live with me. One is a decade long relationship and the other has only been romantic for a few months. With my hubby it is all dealing with the day and all the new problems that have come up that day. Or small talk or we will kinda talk about M his OSO. She is very private so we don't talk much but she is a MAJOR part of our lives so it is bound to happen. With the problem talking to each other like we are going through now I find my self really needing to be with J. It is a new relationship but I met both of them a day a part. (or something like that maybe a few days longer) I have gotten to know both of them over the last 10 or so years. Since j and I are in a new relationship it is nice to go from a hurtful conversation that doesn't get B and I anywhere to going to J and just instantly connecting. The compassion is there as well as the love and communication. It is hard not to compare the two but I don't because they really aren't comparable. B has been married to me for 9 years and has been through everything with me. J has been there for most everything. I love them both so very much but at this time j and I connect on a deeper level than B and I can just because we can talk to each other. I know to B that isn't fair because he feels like he has put in more time and should be the one I can connect to more but right now it just isn't the case. It seems to me like he is going through the same thing. His OSO and him are perfect for each other. They just click and work like clock work. now I don't know if it is just the NRE for both of the relationships or if these other people are better for us than we are for each other, but I know I love my hubby and will do anything in my power to make it work the right way with him.

That might have been off subject there towards the end lol It has been a long week.

nouryia 07-29-2011 01:25 PM

Mya: You're definitely not alone. My relationship of 5 years does not feel as urgent and full of passion and 'gaze into your soul' moments as the 6 month old relationship does. That new partner and I have quite some sparks going on...lol

Now I've worried about that a bit, only to be reminded that the NRE eventually does fade and gives way to a more settled and comfortable state, like the one I feel with my initial partner.

In the meantime, I'm convinced that Yoda has it right...just DO, lol. Make the efforts, create special times and try to maintain/refresh the connection you share with your long time love. I've been putting more thoughts and efforts in my interactions with my husband and it seems to help me feel closer to him.

Magdlyn 07-29-2011 03:05 PM

As opposed to NRE, I like to say long term relationships have Established Relationship Energy, ERI. Now, it sounds like your longer term lover and you have been taking each other a bit for granted. Tell him since you aren't living together now, you need to make every moment count. Go on interesting dates, have good talks about important subjects, not just day to day "take out the garbage, feed the cats" sort of convos. If you feel you 2 are in a rut, get out of it!

ERI can be wonderful, since you know each other so well... but people do change. Don't fall into a trap of boredom. He is NOT the guy you first met. People change and grow daily. You've changed too. Treat each other to the people you are now, not just the old template.

NeonKaos 07-29-2011 03:23 PM

That should be ERE, not ERI.


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