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-   -   Pro's & Con's...Did you make a list? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12690)

lovinhimloviner 07-27-2011 03:54 PM

Pro's & Con's...Did you make a list?
I haven't seen anything on this subject and i was curious. Has anyone who was mono getting into a relationship with a poly person ever make a list of pro's and con's? If you did was it constructive? Did it help you?
Here is another question for mono people.....did anything beside communication and honesty help you get over the fact that you were dating a married person? I am trying to understand where M is coming from and thought maybe if I heard others stories it might help. I have read a lot from Mono and think he would be a great person for M to talk to. I just want to understand better.

MonoVCPHG 07-27-2011 04:39 PM

There is a list somewhere I believe...hmmm I'll dig around!

MonoVCPHG 07-27-2011 05:11 PM


Originally Posted by lovinhimloviner (Post 94041)
did anything beside communication and honesty help you get over the fact that you were dating a married person? .

Three words - mono relationship experience

I know you've probably already heard me say this in comments but:

Having a healthy traditional mono relationship was critical for me. I achieved and experienced things in a unique way that I could not have done in a relationship with a shared partner.

A lack of experience with a person who expresses love the same way is one of the reasons I don't recommend mono/poly relationships to most people. It works both ways; I don't recommend this type of relationship to poly people for the same reasons.

There are so many external factors to deal with that a person may never get to thier internal issues. Peer pressure, parental approval and society judgement aside, there is the basic need in a lot of people to experience what others around them have. That's where my experience made the difference....I had it all in a tradtitional sense and know what the grass looks like on both sides. I haven't missed out on anything.

Again it all comes down to relationship expectations; future gaols and what the person wants to achieve.

Brat 07-29-2011 02:25 PM

A year ago, I started in a triad.... had never been part of a poly relationship. I thought everything over, and I did make a pro-con list of sorts in my head.. however, in my experience, the heart won out over logic and lists. In the end, it didn't completely work out... but we are all working on it (again)

nycindie 07-29-2011 08:55 PM

I never make lists of pros and cons about anything, unless there's a piece of technology or an appliance I want to buy. When it comes to interpersonal relations, I prefer to trust my inner teacher (intuition).

sage 07-29-2011 09:51 PM

Yes I made a list, 11 positives for a mono in a poly relationship, it's under favourites on my blog. I even subsequently added a couple. It is my list though and some of the points are specific just to me.

But you aren't mono you're poly. In reply to another of your threads there is a site on yahoo groups, called livingpolymono that could be good for you. It's for polys in relationship with monos, which actually might be more your thing. One you have a relationship with a mono metamour to sort out and two I am beginning to wonder if your husband is actually poly. There is also a polymono site for monos in relationship with polys, so you could take your pick. Many of us belong to both.

I know this is sort of the wrong thread to be saying this but I'm multi-tasking here. One big positive for me in polyamory is that it seems to bring problems in relationships to the surface, and that's definitely what it's done for you. A whole hornets nest in your case.

The first and most basic thing that strikes me with you is that you seem to be putting your husband's and his girlfriends needs way above your own. You keep wanting to back away from communicating here because it upsets them. Sometimes things need to get worse before they can get better. Sometime you need to upset other people in order to be true to yourself. A lot of resentment has built up over the years and dealing with it will be messy but you have to deal with it before you can be free of it.

nycindie 07-29-2011 10:00 PM


Originally Posted by sage (Post 94451)
But you aren't mono you're poly.

I don't think she asked for herself, but for her hub's GF, who is mono.


Originally Posted by sage (Post 94451)
The first and most basic thing that strikes me with you is that you seem to be putting your husband's and his girlfriends needs way above your own.

I concur with this. And from other comments made by the OP, I believe there may be a real issue surrounding self-esteem that is at the root of this.

sage 07-29-2011 10:51 PM

There is a reason why they tell us to put on our own oxygen mask first before helping others. You have got so much to work on with your husband I don't think you need to worry about his gf. That is her work, your work is you and then you and your husband.

lovinhimloviner 07-30-2011 03:23 AM

I agree with you I know I need to work on me and I have always had problems with self esteem. I had an abusive alcoholic live in boy friend for quite some time. He later, after he sobering up from a 15 year drunk, told me that while he did find me attractive he knew I had a low self esteem and was sweet enough that he knew he could manipulate me enough to keep me buying his booze and taking care of him. He was one of those guys that would convince you that no one else would want ya. My husband has helped me sooo much in this area over the years. I think I worry more about us with M in the picture because even though she said she would rather walk away than come between us I still worry he will be less and less interested in me. Most of my problems are in my own head and I am going to counseling. I would never want M to walk away ever. I truly believe after H and I get over our hurdle and H and J get over theirs and M finds peace with this kind of relation, then I really think we will be great. I know that is a lot of ands but I think we will get through it. As long as I keep my head about me.

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