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-   -   Help Defining Our Marriage (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12571)

Sunset 07-24-2011 02:37 PM

Help Defining Our Marriage
I there, my husband and I are open to Poly. We have had some experiences with swinging and a little bit with poly. We feel the concept is really great and more natural for people rather then monogamy.. I am very bisexual and it works out well, especially b/c seeing him with another W is a turn on for me. We are in our early 30's, have been together for 7 years, and exploring for over 1.5 years now. He has never had a W of his own, but lets me go out on first dates, with the hope that they will want to have fun w/ him at some point. However, he is getting tired of waiting since my last "gf" left the country, its hard to have patience b/c i am out there seeking out "our" woman. The former W was great. She was always open for 3some fun, and she and i fell in love and are still in touch, albeit she is in a different part of the world. Hubby and her fell in what i call "like", b/c he has this ability to have good boundaries with his emotions/sex, where I dont nor want that.

We are not having much luck in the way of meeting our unicorn and he is even suggesting couples. It seems so hard for him, but sort of easy for me and I feel badly about that! I am also growing concerned that I am looking for one type and he another. Things are confusing right now, and on top of this, I am constantly struggling with societies pressure to fit the norm, and i have even lost very good friends when i "came out" to them as bi/open/poly.

All this aside, We both agree we want a family in a few years, but right now, want to keep exploring and having a good time (plus we have some financial and job stuff to straighten out first). Any advice? Book recommendations? I want him to be happy. I really love him, and it hurts me b/c he seems unhappy. He really wants to be included, and I am not sure if he really wants another F or if he just doesnt want to be excluded. I feel so badly when i leave him alone at home when i go out on dates. It worked well in the past when he knew he had the opportunity to be involved. I even set up a special one on one night w/ him and my former GF on his birthday... at a hotel, and then i joined in later. It was amazing and very sexy. i did just meet a woman who said she is primarily looking for another W, but is herself in a open RL and is bi, so she didn't rule out a 3some from time to time.. hubby was ok w/ that, but lately the W we find are located at a far distance and hubby feels this is never going to happen. His frustration leads to mine, which leads me to toss my hands in the air b/c im doing all the work.... by necessity because he doesnt feel he can find a woman as a married man, be it for himself or the 2 of us. Any suggestions on any part of this appreciated :)

redpepper 07-25-2011 08:59 PM

I would suggest doing your own thing and finding your own partners. Assuming that whomever you are with will want threesomes is a bit far fetched. Sure these things happen and sure it might still happen, but expecting it is kind of a turn off for most women.

I would drop the unicorn idea for now and seek your own partner while he seeks his. It is possible for married men to find women to date if they have the right attitude; not needy but fun and friendly, not assuming sex, but taking time and letting the "relationship" aspect unfold. Other than that maybe you should stick to swinging for him to get his needs met.

Check the tags in the search engine for "unicorn," "dating," and anything else that might seem helpful.

Satisfiction 07-26-2011 10:07 AM

It sounds like both of you are putting too much pressure on finding the ideal situation. Sure it might happen, but you can't expect it. I would either forget the whole idea for now and focus on your own relationship, or you both go out and find people to date. Having him sit at home while you go and hopefully find someone for him to be with too is too much pressure. All that unnecessary energy will be following you around on your dates and there is no need for that.

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