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-   -   This is so weird but also exciting lol (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12461)

openbj 07-22-2011 03:14 AM

This is so weird but also exciting lol
Well, in the mean time of us finding a girlfriend for J, he would really like for me to step outside of my comfort zone and try either a spouse swap with a couple or a threesome (me with him and another guy or him with me and another girl) or me with another guy and him watching or him with another girl and me watching. I do want this too. We've been talking for quite a while now about doing something like this, but it has really become more realistic over the past few weeks. So, last night I made a post on CL looking for a MF couple or a girl that is interested in helping us fulfill some of these fantasies just for fun, NSA lol.

We've had a few replies already, two couples are possibilities but we're still receiving emails so we're waiting to have more options to choose from. In the meantime, a guy has contacted us (even though I didn't post about looking for just a single guy) about either him watching us or hubby watching he and I. He was nice enough to include pictures and he is quite attractive. So, I replied nicely back that we are really looking for a couple or a female, but also included a partial picture of me (no face in the pic) as a way of saying thank you for being kind enough to include pics in your email as we had requested. He immediately replied back with, "Sure your not up for watching me or watching you or both?" I replied back to him that I would discuss it with J to see how he felt (I'm pretty sure I already know his answer because he's already said that he would like to do this at some point). I also let him know that we are new to all of this and that this is especially new to me because I have only been with my husband ever in my life.

His reply:

")...thanks for sharing...on my end i am into quality and sensuality as well as tease...watching each other could be a great entry into this whole thiing"

Thoughts?? I'm thinking that he may have a point in that him watching us could be a slightly less stressful way to introduce myself to more adventures instead of just jumping in head first to a spouse swap or a threesome. This would also give J an opportunity to see how he feels about me being with another guy (if we decide to go that way). He says that he would like to think that he'd be okay with that, but I've never been interested in another guy or desired another guy before, so it's all new. I think that it could stir up a lot of emotions in J that he didn't realize were there. It's one thing for him to have extra relationships because that's just who he is and has always been. It's a whole different ballgame if I were to start having other relationships because it's territory we've never been in before.

Sorry for the ramble. Just trying to sort my thoughts.

openbj 07-24-2011 04:58 AM

Well, I'm not sure things are going to go poly with our friend that has been thinking about it. She hasn't said no. Actually, she hasn't said anything either way about joining us. But, she and J were talking the other day and he asked her if she had ever thought of him that way. She said that she hadn't. She has always just thought of him as a good friend, fun guy, and someone that she can talk to about anything, but that's it. So, we've pretty much dropped the conversation of polly, although he does flirt with her a bit. Maybe she'll think of him like that later, but right now, we're all still really good friends and that's it.

On the note of the guy that wants to meet up with us for some fun. He's still emailing me and really wants for this to happen. I'm going to talk to J tomorrow after he's had some sleep (he works nights) and this could possibly be happening either Monday or Tuesday. So nervous but also pretty excited! This guy is in town on business once a month for a few days, so he stays at a hotel. We'd meet him there and he said that we can start out in the hotel jacuzzi to ease the nervousness of the situation and get comfortable with one another before we head to the room. This sounds like a great idea to me!! Because as nervous as I am now, I can only imagine what I would be like when we got there lol.

openbj 07-26-2011 03:58 AM

I made a response on the "Which Way To Turn" blog that I thought would also be important to post in our own blog.

"That's awesome!! It really give me hope for our future. I really needed to hear that, because a girl that he had wanted to bring in and she didn't agree AT ALL, just sent me a message saying how messed up I was for letting him do this and that I was "NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER going to be happy with him". She followed that statement up with "I know that hurts to hear, but it's the truth". It didn't hurt to hear, because I know it's not truth and I won't accept those words into my heart. But, it did really piss me off lol.

Lies are the HARDEST!! I too hold honesty so dear and near to my heart. When people speak honestly to me, whether it hurts or not, it speaks love to me. So, I completely understand how it made you feel, because I feel those same things when J lies to me, and I always know when he's lying. I have told him, "I know you better than any other person out there, sometimes even better than you know yourself. You cannot expect to lie to me and me not know it." Yet, he still does it.

But!!! On a great note. He has been nothing but honest with me for the past week now. He has come clean about everything. There's a girl that he's been flirting around with for a couple of months now from work. I kept asking him, "What's going on? Where is this going?" And he would swear up and down that there was nothing going on, he just enjoyed talking to her, blah, blah, blah. Well last week I told him that it was okay to go ahead and see her, but we needed to bring her in. He finally opened up!! He told me that yes, they've already been seeing each other and sleeping together. He also said, "But, we can't bring her in." Why? Because he lied to her to get the relationship going. He told her that we were in the middle of a divorce, so as far as she's concerned, I'm not part of the picture. It hurt to hear that, but I loved it so much that he was being honest. I didn't even get upset with him. I've allowed him to go ahead and continue seeing her because it's not something that is going to last. She leaves for college in 2 weeks and we move from OK to NM not long after that (and he'll even be gone for 8 weeks for training for this new job in upstate KS). So, it's about to end very soon. I have a very hard time with him lying to her, but with all of us going separate ways very soon, I'm just letting it be. She can count it as her fun for the summer before college and not be destroyed by finding out that he's lied so much to her.

On our end though, he has told me every time he is going to meet up with her, what they are doing, where they are going, what they have done (even sexually) afterwards, etc. He even talks on the phone with her in front of me now. I LOVE IT!! Yes, I have moments where he does something for her or says something to her that I have jealousy rise up, but I beat it with a stick and kick it right out. It's mostly just silly NRE things that I tend to miss from when we first met and had NRE lol.

I look forward to the next girlfriend and being there from the beginning!! I just have this excitement about it that brings me peace to know that everything is going to be alright and wonderful.

I have worked very hard over the last year to make things comfortable enough for him to be honest. Admittedly, I have failed many times by trying to force him instead of inviting him, but it's getting better. I'm getting there. We're getting there."

Mohegan 07-26-2011 04:13 AM

I'm glad my blog gave you some hope. But please be careful. From what you are saying, I'd be very cautious. The women Karma was with knew he was married and knew that wasn't changing. It was only me he was lying to, not everyone.

I hope you both realize how hard it is and how much work it takes to rebuild trust. It's a hard road. And he needs to be completely on board with that for this to work. He needs to realize that his actions effect multiple people and he needs to be on the up and up with all involved. As well as take the time to work with you and fix what he broke.

I don't want you to think I just forgave Karma and we all lived happily ever after. The first few months he was only allowed to see Cricket if I was with them. No picking her up, no dropping her off, no going out with her, no talking on the phone with her, no IMing her NOTHING without me being there.

It didn't last long, but I needed to heal before I was going to be completely okay with things.

You matter and you deserve to be treated like you matter. He needs to do whatever it takes to fix things.

openbj 07-26-2011 04:28 AM

Thanks! Normally, I would step in and take control of a relationship he was having, actually ending the relationship is more like it because I wasn't open to poly at the time. I was more focused on trying to make him mono, which he's really not.

I've asked him why he told her that lie and he has said that it's because he was afraid she would reject him if he told her the truth (that we had an open marriage, mind you, we were only open when they met, not poly. Rule was no emotional attachments, just sex and done). But, he really liked her and said he couldn't just sleep with her and drop her like that, but he also couldn't find the words to explain that we were open either. So, he got nervous and told her that he was married but that we were getting divorced.

J does NOT do well with rejection. When people meet him, they think that he is this super confident guy that is so sure of himself. He puts on a good front that way and for the most part, he is (in most things). But rejection, especially when it comes to relationships and sex, just tears him to pieces. All of his affairs in the past knew he was married and that they weren't going to go anywhere and our relationship wasn't going to end over them. But this one, just messed him up. He couldn't tell her the truth. I think part of it is because he is now 31 and has been feeling the stress of "getting older", and she is almost 19. But, that's just my guess. Also, his co-workers are a major gossip wheel. He says he was also afraid that if he explained things properly to her, she would tell someone else at work, and then it would be around to everyone. Which he's a very private person, so that was not acceptable at all.

Whatever his reasons though, it will be over soon enough and we will be gone from here. I can say, he's not trying very hard to hide our marriage from her now that he's being honest with me. He has added her to his FB and he and I talk and flirt around on there all the time (our friends have even told us to go get a room on several occasions haha)! So, at this point, it's just a matter of time before she figures things out lol. If she doesn't, it's because she doesn't want to know the truth.

nycindie 07-26-2011 05:18 AM


Originally Posted by openbj (Post 93739)
He couldn't tell her the truth.

Well, it seems you're giving him a free pass and laughing it off now, but make sure he knows that shit's not acceptable if poly is going to work for you. I'm afraid that in your excitement about "going poly," you are putting blinders on and avoiding some red flags here and there. Slow down, look around, keep your eyes open, take a deep breath, and be careful.

openbj 07-26-2011 05:44 AM

Deep breaths and caution have become a regular for me. I don't laugh it off with him. He knows how seriously I hold all of this. I'm sorry if seemed that I was laughing it off on here, but I'm really not. I hold keeping my husband's honor very highly, so you probably won't ever see me fully vent about him or bash him ever on here. That's just not how I work. We are really pretty private people, so even posting the little history that I have here, is outside of our norm. But we both understand that some things need to be shared if we truly want sound advice.

With him, our conversations go very deep and he knows exactly where I stand. In fact, I've probably asked him to just tell her the truth at least 5 times over the last week. But, he is two months into this lie and doesn't see the point in causing her pain over something that is just going to end in 2 weeks anyways.

Now, I'm also not naive enough to think that just because she goes to college and we move away, that all texting and phone calls will immediately cease. I realize that that's something that is going to have to taper off and settle on it's own because they are friends. And if they continue to talk as friends for quite a while, he knows that I fully expect him to either tell her the truth or at the very least tell her that he and I have worked things out and there will be no divorce or separation. But, I'm not sure that's going to happen. Their relationship is very shallow and I don't see her being too interested in what he's up to once she gets around all those college guys. He's also already making comments about, "She seemed so mature at first, but the more I'm around her, the more I realize just how young she is :(" "She's starting to get really whiny with me if I suggest doing something (like going to the casino) that she doesn't like." Stuff like that does not sit well with him.

openbj 07-27-2011 02:51 AM

We decided not to meet up with the guy that's been emailing me. J and I talked and we both came to the conclusion that we are just uncomfortable with meeting up with some random guy from online. J is very protective of me and really worries that another guy would cause me more pain during sex, without realizing that he's doing it, or that he just wouldn't care.

But, it looks like we are going to connect with a poly group here on the 4th for a free concert in the area. So, we're looking forward to that!! We are also taking a date night this Thursday. We're thinking dinner and a movie. There's a steak house nearby that he wants to try before we move away 'cause he's heard great things about it.

openbj 08-03-2011 03:05 AM

J is still really working on the NRE :) I love that man!!

Today, we took the boys to the lake down the road and had a great time. We didn't stay too long 'cause it was 113 degrees (F). Scorcher!! While we were there he really focused on family time and left his phone on the beach. I wondered if he would check it often to see if she had text, but he didn't check at all!! I was so proud of him! We followed that up with a trip to the sno cone stand in town (J's idea) and picked up some stuff for me to make homemade ice cream (no machine needed!). It is in the freezer now working on freezing (it's not going fast enough LOL). J had me send a pic to him while he was at work of the ice cream, 'cause he can't wait to dig in to it either.

I love days like this!!

openbj 08-12-2011 04:46 AM

Figured I should update a little. I haven't disappeared lol. After my last post about going to the lake, J got really sick with strep. Turns out, the lake has been tested and found to have toxic algae in it :( He's the only one that got sick though (literally by the next morning). The boys and I made out just fine. J is doing much better now that he's been on his antibiotics.

Since J and I started talking about poly several weeks ago, I have been doing a lot of thinking and searching my own heart. I've only been with J sexually. He's my first and only. But, I do have needs in my life (emotionally and yes, sexually) that just aren't being met by J. It's not his fault, he's not ignoring me or anything like that. He's just different from things that I enjoy. I'm more of a romantic, passionate, compassionate, quiet, loving person. J is a much more outgoing, loud, spontaneous, erotic, adventurous person. All things which I really love about him, because it helps bring those things out in me (and I in him). But, I also enjoy just being cuddled, caressed, talked to lovingly, etc. J does those things at times for me because he knows I enjoy them, but it's not really his nature. I enjoy the foreplay to build up to the passionate sex (deeply passionate make out sessions just rev my engine!!), J just wants to get straight to wild crazy sex lol.

I've been thinking about what it would be like for me to find a guy that could meet those needs for me, just as J is looking for a girl to meet his more wild needs for him. I've never even thought of myself actually being with another man until recently, and honestly, the idea brings me joy. I've always fantasized about what it would be like, but never thought that I could actually move forward with those fantasies and have all my needs met while still being with the love of my life. It's kind of a weird and foreign thought to me, but an enjoyable one at the same time. I'm not sure where this is going to take us, but it's something I'm talking about with J. I think it would be a huge stress relief off of him to know that I was being taken care of and loved in a way that I need while still getting my wilder side of needs met by him (yes, I do still have a wild side lol, don't we all??). I know that J identifies as poly, but I never thought that I would. Now, I'm not sure what to think.

Breaking down the walls of mono concerning J has really caused me to search myself. It's a pretty neat adventure so far. I'm learning things about myself that I had been to "spiritually brain washed" to even begin to pay mind to before. I can say with 100% confidence, that I could love J as well as another man. That part, I know.

Am I really mono as I have told myself all these years, or am I actually poly and have just been repressing it due to the church brain washing and past life events? This is a huge question that I am asking myself right now.

Ah, to be young again, I allowed myself so much more freedom in my relationships then (except the sexual end, I always said I would only have sex with my husband, mostly due to being raped at a very young age and having a skewed view of sex as a result). Now, things just seem so much more trivial than they should be!

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