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-   -   Poly Dating (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1243)

bock 11-23-2009 04:47 AM

Poly Dating
In the past I've made something of an ass of myself. This is nothing new for me, of course, but it had the potential of seriously hurting friendships that I'd rather not put on the line. At the time, I was still kind of getting my feet under me, and wrapping my brain around being poly.

I had already had a triad with my wife and a mutual friend, but we decided to cut if off after a month. It was obvious to us that our friend was still hung up on an old boyfriend and that she really wasn't looking for anything more than a fling with us. It was fun at first, but after the initial excitement left, there just wasn't any chemistry to back it up. We parted ways amicably, but the result left me of the opinion that we had rushed into our first poly experiment.

Don't get me wrong, we're still poly, and we found the whole experience generally positive. However, we decided that in the future we should definitely get to know anyone before we really get involved.

Anyone else have a similar experience? Think our clever plan will work? :)

Since that decision, I've asked out a couple female friends of ours--thinking that I'd get to know them a bit better. They... took it reasonably well, but given their reactions you'd have thought they didn't listen when I explained my being poly. Very embarrassing: currently batting 0.000. :o

LovingRadiance 11-23-2009 05:06 AM

My experience is nothing like yours.

But I can say-I would rather meet someone who wants to be my FRIEND and simply get to know me. I have NEVER dated someone who set out to date me from the onset. It doesn't work.

So instead of saying "hey I'm poly blah blah" maybe just say hey-you seem interesting and I'd like to get to know you.
Then as the relationship ensues and you get to know one another-start talking about morals, values, life goals, expectations. Poly will inevitably come up in those talks. IF you can't discuss morals, values, life goals and expectations, you can't make a relationship beyond shallow friendship work ANYWAY-so it's still working towards your goal.

That's MY two cents. :)

My husband and I met when I was 13. We started dating when I was 24.
My "boyfriend" and I met when I was 18. He became my lover for one day when I 20. He became my "bf" when I was 34.....

Friendship is the key to building solid relationships (imho).

redpepper 11-23-2009 08:27 AM

I think you will find with a lot of reading on here and elsewhere that your situation is quite normal. Many people start out the way you have and continue from there on a similar path. There are definitely trends on this forum and this thread is much like many others in it's trend. I wold hazzard a guess that most were posted in the throws of limerance (there I used it Ceoli! :D).

AutumnalTone 11-23-2009 05:26 PM


Originally Posted by bock (Post 12685)
However, we decided that in the future we should definitely get to know anyone before we really get involved.

Isn't it funny how poly dating is so very much like mono dating?

One should find out if the other person is on the rebound from a recent breakup (rebound relationships usually aren't successful). One should find out how the other treats family on a regular basis before getting seriously involved. Find out how the other treats wait staff and store personnel. And so on.

Even if the relationship begins by dating, it's always useful to proceed slowly--meaning not spending half of each week from the outset with the other person. See them once a week for a while to learn about them and gauge if it's a good match. That sort of thing.

bock 11-24-2009 01:26 AM

I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking that normal dating compatibility criteria should still take a front seat in poly dating. One thing that I've never found a satisfactory method of doing is asking out someone on a date who is new to the very *idea* of poly. It always comes out awkwardly, especially since it conflates the delicate dance of courtship (e.g. "hey what are you doing Friday night?") with the often detailed explanation of poly to someone who has never heard of it before (e.g. "So what, your wife is cheating on you and you have a harem?"). Like I said, awkward :p

If you've had similar experiences, or if your silver tongue has a better way of communicating, please do share.

redpepper 11-24-2009 02:44 AM

There is also threads on this too btw.

being open and honest and confident in who you are seems to work best for me in anything I do in my life. Poly dating is not different. If someone doesn't get it then I educated them and leave them with it.

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