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-   -   starting to date a couple... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12421)

newbiepoly 07-21-2011 06:13 AM

starting to date a couple...
 
So, I just had a 2nd date tonight with a m/f couple who are poly and they are amazing people. This is really the first time I've started dating a couple and exploring my poly side. I'm both nervous and excited. I have noticed that, even though being poly wasn't really something that was obvious for me before I discovered it, it still feels right and like something/someone I will be for the rest of my life...
anyone else feel this way?

I am also scared of becoming the 3rd wheel... because I am new to poly, is this a common fear that often doesn't really happen? or is it something that will need time, work, experiences, etc?

thanks

clairegoad 07-21-2011 10:05 AM

Yes, it's a common fear. I joined a couple in October. We focus on time together --spending time as a group, but also breaking into couples-- to build individual friendships/relationships. My couple is long term poly; they make an effort to provide individual time.

My couple has been together for 17 years, so I was a bit intimidated. They know everything about each other and I was learning about everything from allergies to inside jokes. Their shared history bothered me until I started listening to the stories, and realizing that we would be making our own memories. After only 9 months, we've got some amazing memories - a Broadway play, quiet times in upscale restaurants, shopping adventures, even buying furniture together.

Welcome to this wonderful journey.

redpepper 07-21-2011 06:18 PM

Try doing a tag search on here for "secondary" or "unicorn" there might be some like minded things to think about.

I'm not sure what you are asking with your first question about feeling the same way. At first glance I want to say, "ya, this whole forum feels that way." But maybe you meant something more specific?

MonoVCPHG 07-21-2011 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newbiepoly (Post 93047)
or is it something that will need time, work, experiences, etc?

thanks

TAADAAA!! There's your main answer :) I felt like a third whell for quite a while when it came to PN and RP. Now I don't. I think it took me a year and a half to get over that though..I move slowly :o

newbiepoly 07-22-2011 06:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 93094)
Try doing a tag search on here for "secondary" or "unicorn" there might be some like minded things to think about.

I'm not sure what you are asking with your first question about feeling the same way. At first glance I want to say, "ya, this whole forum feels that way." But maybe you meant something more specific?

So I had heard about this 'Unicorn' thing before and looked it up via google...

"refers to a pretty and otherwise dateable bi female who is willing to date a couple."

hmm... I didn't realize this was such a difficult thing, but I can definitely understand it.


What I was referring to with the first question was this: It seems alot of people "knew" they were poly their whole lives. I never knew my whole life, but this still feels right.

GroundedSpirit 07-22-2011 04:39 PM

Hi Newbie,

First - congrats to you for seeing beyond labels and stereotypes and general public myths. The whole '3rd wheel' drama is firmly rooted in the monogamous public perception and ruins a lot of otherwise potentially beautiful relationships.

That said, Clair offered some nice little commentary acknowledging the facts of 'history' and how you will be building your own new 'history' going forward (ALL of you!).

I often explain that it's really no different than beginning a new job or any other new social activity. You are the 'outsider' at first and it will take some variable amount of time before you really feel like an 'insider'. We deal with this throughout our lives - it's not really that big a deal. A little uncomfortable for some at first but the more you do it the more it gets easier.
Why some people think that this should not exist in the realm of relationships is beyond me ! <chuckle>

It's ok to just say "OK guys - remember I'm the outsider - so be kind to me :) " With a smile.

You'll be fine. Keep things in perspective and above all - ENJOY ! :)

GS

Setxfamily 07-22-2011 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newbiepoly (Post 93189)
What I was referring to with the first question was this: It seems alot of people "knew" they were poly their whole lives. I never knew my whole life, but this still feels right.

That is not quite true. Where I have been but I did not realise it until a few years ago when my lady meet this fellow and she found she actually had feeling for him as well. She had never even discussed or entratained the ideas in her mind that she would ever feel like that about anyone else but me. But she found that it was quite a natural and comfortable feeling and slipped right into the poly lifestyle with out to many problems.

Until he entereted our life we had never even hard of polyamory or even considered such a life style. But looking back I realized that it had always been lurking in the back of my mind.

newbiepoly 07-27-2011 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Setxfamily (Post 93301)
That is not quite true. Where I have been but I did not realise it until a few years ago when my lady meet this fellow and she found she actually had feeling for him as well. She had never even discussed or entratained the ideas in her mind that she would ever feel like that about anyone else but me. But she found that it was quite a natural and comfortable feeling and slipped right into the poly lifestyle with out to many problems.

Until he entereted our life we had never even hard of polyamory or even considered such a life style. But looking back I realized that it had always been lurking in the back of my mind.

huh! cool! It's always fun learning about other people's new experiences :)

Setxfamily 07-27-2011 04:02 PM

We are currently not in a relationship but we keep hoping a new match will come by one day. Our last one broke up when our partners company transfered him to a new location. It was a take it or your fired kind of deal.

We tried the long distance thing but it just did not work out. We both keep hoping that maybe one day he will be ablw to move back but so far no luck. But the few years we did have together as a triangle we cherished.

nouryia 07-28-2011 06:17 PM

I sort of relate to this dating a couple thing... Now I'm not 'exactly' dating a couple but here is my situation:

I am a married woman with two teens from a previous marriage. My current husband is bisexual. We decided to open our marriage sometime last year. He then met a friend's male partner and they became friends with benefits.

Said fwb has two mates, one bi-male and one female (triad) and they have small kids. I became involved with my hubby's friend (in threesomes at first, then on my own also) and we eventually fell in love; he is now my boyfriend I guess, lol. We also occasionally 'play' together with my bf's wife as we both have some bi leanings. Soooo as you can see, it gets complicated. :p


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