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ClariceK 07-20-2011 10:36 PM

Work Situations
I have been having some thoughts and concerns and wanted to bring them up here to ask about others experiences with this. I am writing to you because I dont know if this is jealousy (I don't think it is) or if it is my true internal safety mechanism that tells me things aren't a good idea.

SU and DJ work at the same time in different places a few blocks away. SU gets out over a hour before DJ gets out of work. She walks over and meets him at his work and waits in the car till he is done with his work. I don't have a problem with this situation except that I don't feel comfortable with the fact that he kisses her while he is at work and has done this in front of other coworkers and it makes me uncomfortable.

We are pretty much out as a family in public, but I feel as if hubby's work is not a place to be kissing someone other then his wife. I think it looks even worse when I am not there. I think that his work should be handled as a "off limits area" as far as PDA goes. I feel as if it gives the impression of his "having a secret affair with their roommate or friend" and thus looks bad. I find this to be even more important of a issue if DJ goes into management at his work because honestly there will be situations in which she will not be going as his "wife" because I would be taking that role and I feel it would make social situations hard for me. There was already one situation in which there was a picnic with his work friends and families and the comment was made about her and he being in the pool frolicking together with her swimming between his legs "I wouldn't let another woman that close ot my husbands penis" was the comment made and looks were passed among the other "wives" that made me feel like I just wanted to leave the picnic. They (DJ and SU) didn't see a problem with it (of course they didn't they were playing and acting like 10 year olds at a picnic where they were the only ones roughhousing over the age of 8) which was another thing that I felt was inappropriate.

Am I being bitchy or do you guys think my concerns are valid. I have always looked at it like if this relationship DOESNT work out, she goes off and I am left being seen as the wife who's husband fooled around on her and didn't even care or worse yet was too dumb to even notice it. Maybe I am just having a crappy day and thinking of negatives because hubby worked today instead of spending the day with me like he could have done when he was offered the day off.

sluttyunicorn 07-21-2011 02:00 AM

im sorry sugar i didnt know it was bothing you you should have said something to me it only happened one time and it wasnt in front of any but "p" i promise it will never happen agin

ClariceK 07-21-2011 02:11 AM

It's ok, I didn't write in order for you to see it as something to make you feel bad. DJ and I talked about it today and before I said anything I wanted to get some opinions, unfortunately no one else read the post and I wasn't able to get any perspectives before you got home and saw it and we talked about it. I also discussed with DJ about his maybe not wanting to pick up people who he works with because well, if it doesn't work out, you still have to work with them, but that is still up to him if he pursues that.

Minxxa 07-21-2011 02:57 PM

I have had a little experience with this in a couple of ways. When I used to work at a club (where I met hubs by the way) and we were dating, he used to flirt with the girls when he came in, and often was there when I wasn't. This was fine with me as we were nonmonogamous from the very start, but it's true you DO then have to deal with the talking behind your back, the "sympathetic" looks, the "i can't believe he would do that to you" comments--- EVEN when you've made it perfectly clear that it's fine with you and you aren't monogamous. Most people will prefer to believe that you're only saying that to "save face" and that deep down you are truly hurting and upset-- because they would be and they assume everybody else is like them.

And yes, I mostly let it roll of my back, but it WAS upsetting many times not because he did anything wrong but because I then had to deal with the fallout and the fallout was upsetting (and frustrating!) when people won't listen to you and just nod and pat you on the head like you're a child.

For that reason I did make it clear that once I left that job, there would be no dating of people I work with, or flirting around my work place, or anything of the sort. First, if it doesn't work out, I STILL have to work with these people and deal with fallout, and secondly, there are plenty of people in the world elsewhere! :)

Hubs is also in the military which creates a special set of crazy circumstances. There is a whole undercurrent of cheating within the military families-- on deployments, shore leaves, etc. especially, but not a lot of honest open communication. A lot of don't ask/don't tell, and a lot of "I know he's screwing around, but as long as he doesn't bring it into our home I'll sit here and pretend it's not happening." It goes both ways as well, lots of women alone for 6 months going out together and things happen. So while cheating is known and not accepted, but "put up with" all around-- allowing your partner to see other people is still seen as wierd and sometimes threatening. The other part of this is that if you're at all involved with other military people/families-- it is one of the biggest judgmental gossip circles of crap I've ever seen in my entire life. This is one of the reasons I keep my distance for the most part nowadays, I got caught up in that mess when I was young and I won't go back. But hubs has to be careful where he is now because dating someone would not be seen in the same way due to his career. And again... dating someone he works with could be career-ending if it goes badly and they decide to make a stink, he could seriously suffer.

Anyway, long story, sorry! But my point is that while yes you want to be above board and open-- but you have to take into effect how that's going to affect the other members of your group. I STILL to this day, 10 years later have people who act concerned that I'm still with my hubs-- considering he "was running around on me" back then. Which he wasn't. And they knew that. And they STILL refuse to accept it. :-(

ClariceK 07-21-2011 04:07 PM

Minxxa, thank you sooo much for your reply. I felt so bad because I love them both and have been trying so hard to not make any "rules" but it just seemed like this one was a safety thing for the family as well. I don't have to see these people often, but when I do I dont want it to be uncomfortable. The others in the family say they don't care what others think, and f that is the case that is fine for them, but out of respect they should care enough what I think.

I don't think it is going t be a issue anymore as I have made my feelings known to both and both said they understood, I just more so wanted to make sure I wasn't being selfish or anything.

redpepper 07-21-2011 06:33 PM

I think its always good to let uncomfortableness out regardless of how you think it will be received. That way a boundary can be discussed around what is more comfortable. They likely just didn't think about it at all. Its likely that turning it down is not a big deal.

Mohegan 07-22-2011 08:56 AM


Originally Posted by ClariceK (Post 93006)
Am I being bitchy or do you guys think my concerns are valid. I have always looked at it like if this relationship DOESNT work out, she goes off and I am left being seen as the wife who's husband fooled around on her and didn't even care or worse yet was too dumb to even notice it. .

I wanted to touch on this b/c it was something that bugged me a lot when we first entered into this. Cricket was Karmas affair for almost a year when I found out. Most of the people we associate with knew and I didn't. I had a hard time with how people were possibly seeing me.

And then I decided to let it be. If they cared about me they would ask and I would be able to explain it. If they didn't ask, well then they didn't deserve the explanation and they could think whatever they wanted to about me, doesn't change who I am.

It was hard because these were people who knew about my medical issues and at times I could almost hear the " poor Mo, she's too broken to satisfy her man so he had to look elsewhere."

I don't anymore, mostly b/c they either saw us all together and realised it wasn't an issue or they were aware of the work Karma and I were doing to fix our marriage and saw it for what it was. Those who asked and supported us are still in our lives and have an understanding for the way we live. Those who didn't bother to ask and just went off their assumptions are the ones no longer in our lives.

I get that from a professional stand point it could be an issue. Karma brought Cricket into my job one night and I about flipped out. Mostly b/c I didn't want to deal with the questions, these are co-workers not friends and they don't need to know all my business.

I am now heading into a really good job and I do not want Karma bringing his new friend (possible g/f) into this job as I want to make this a career and until I get a good reputation for my work abilities, I don't want to bring my personal life into it. For the same reason I would not have a b/f come to my job.

But eventualy, once I am established with them, I will probably care less.

I guess it's a personal thing on if it's okay or not. I'm just one of those people who have always felt my personal life has no place in my professional one.

Minxxa 07-22-2011 02:41 PM

I think that's the real issue... work people are your co-workers, they are NOT your friends. They are not going to ask you questions about what's going on, they don't know the real you enough to hear what you're saying and accept it. They are going to see things, make assumptions and then most likely talk behind your back to other people about it and treat you differently.

I realize not ALL work people are like this, but in my 27 something years of working, especially in offices, this is mostly what goes on.

Now yes... if you've been in a place long enough, and have created relationships with people and know them enough to feel comfortable introducing another partner, then fine. But that's something that comes with time, and you have to make a judgment call on how it will be received.

And yes, I also agree with RP that if something is bothering you, you definitely need to communicate that. I am finding that hubs and I discussing this beforehand has helped. In other words, I've told him that when something's bugging me, or an issue I am going to tell him about it (and I hope he does the same). He doesn't need to automatically react to it, it's not an attack, it's just an issue and we can talk about it and maybe it's just something I have to work through, or maybe it's something he didn't realize or maybe it's a problem I'm seeing that he missed. Either way, if it's out in the open we can make a decision about it, work on it and move on.

GroundedSpirit 07-22-2011 04:55 PM

Hey Clarice,

Well, as Minixxa said - people are going to talk - regardless !

Know what I'd do ?

Direct their conversations. Be in charge of what their conversations are. In other words - give them something substantial to talk about ! :)

You could have swam between some legs too and been horsing around. And in some way that was obvious but NOT tasteless, making it public that you and her are very much on the same page and have your own bond - be it 'sisterly' or otherwise and that whatever interactions are occurring with him and her are FULLY sanctioned by you !

Then sit back and watch the fun :)


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