Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   First Date for the "other" partner.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1241)

LovingRadiance 11-23-2009 03:48 AM

First Date for the "other" partner....
 
So as most of you know Sept. 25th I explained to Maca (probably not the best way possible) that much of the previous problems and complications that I have brought to our marriage are because I am and always have been Poly. Only I didn't KNOW that "poly" existed!

At that point I also let him know that while I knew/know it isn't the BEST way to "start a poly relationship" the reality is that I am in love with our roommate and have been his lover off and on for damn near to 15 years. There is OBVIOUSLY a lot more I could say on that topic-but it's not for this thread.

Anyway-Maca hasn't had "anyone else" and one of the issues he was coming up against was not knowing if he COULD go through with making love to another woman without me there. We had a 3some with another woman early in our marriage becuase I knew it was a fantasy of his that he hadn't gotten to experience prior to our marriage. But he's never been with anyone else (since our marriage) on his own.

We talked about this extensively and I told him I thought he should just let me set up a one night stand with someone we can trust. Someone he could be with (or not if he just COULDN'T go through with it) that would respect and understand that this was about him facing his fears with a supportive friend. Someone who could accept not suddenly needing to be his "girlfriend" since he doesn't feel ready for that step but also wasn't going to treat the night like a casual fuck".

He agreed with some trepidation and the "date" was set for this weekend. Just prior to Friday night a HUGE drama that detrimentally AFFECTS our family in a MAJOR way and absolutely BROKE my heart but isn't pertinent to poly and isn't caused by ANYONE in our home happened.

He suggested cancelling-but for my own reasons, in spite of feeling a bit emotionally... sensitive, I decided to go through with it. On his side it went very well.

The one frustrating part for me was that I KNEW that although I am by nature not jealous or possessive in this way, this is STILL a big change of situation from our "normal" up to this point.

I had planned the date for Friday night so that we would have all day Saturday (Green Gecko is home Saturdays and could watch the kids) to process our emotions, reconnect, talk about how it went for him, what he learned about himself and how that may or may not impact us, our relationship etc.

However-due to the unexpected drama, that wasn't possible Saturday because I had all 3 of my Godchildren (1, 3, 12 yrs respectively) in addition to our two youngest (2, 9 years) and two others (5, 7 yrs). So I ended up feeling VERY distant, out of touch with Maca and frustrated in addition to already being emotional about the bs that was going on with my God kids.

It was late evening before we got to go do something and by that point my emotions were over-taxed. I burst into tears and worried him sick.

The cool thing for me was that he responded quickly and efficiently, loving me and listening as I expressed my grief about the kids, my reasons for not wanting to cancel and some of what I learned about ME due to the situation.

The plans had included a dinner together (all three of us) before hand, I had rented a hotel for them, set up the room (including her favorite scent perfume, massage oil and bath salts, condoms, etc). Maca was nervous so I had agreed to go to the room with them, settle them in, get things "moving" before I left. I was determined that I wasn't staying-although I'm sure that he would enjoy that, because if I'm there he isn't going to learn if he can or can't handle making love to another woman without me AND I'm not interested in being with anyone else at this time.

I figured out some things about my needs in the way this whole thing transpired. I expected that I would encounter some new thoughts, feelings etc that needed to be addressed (and need to create boundaries for future reference if he did manage to go through with it). But I wasn't expecting to come against a distant past heartbreak. I didn't expect to have a major emotional inner-turmoil from something that for all intents and purposes is long over. But obviously-there are still risidual feelings-specifically hurt in regards to it.

So we did finally have a great talk and we took most of this morning to really connect and that was AWESOME.

I guess my biggest point in sharing this-is that even if YOU aren't "new" to poly, if your partner is-there ARE going to be things YOU need to work through in their changing, growing and learning.

;)

Sorry if this post seems to die mid thought. My mom just walked in and I need to help out with some stuff for her. I will try to fill in anything I missed later.
:(

maca 11-23-2009 04:34 AM

Lover , you are a great soul. Your my friend , wife and my lover.I have and I am learning so much in this life with you.I have heard," I dont even know who you are" so many times in the last two months, its scary. I'm me , I'm open, I'm true. I'm glad you have finally stopped living your life to suit the popular masses.

RP ( hugs my dear) you have been a friend just by talking to me.

Peace and Love
Maca

MonoVCPHG 11-23-2009 04:36 AM

Sounds like you guys are in a good place...WOOT WOOT!! :D:D

LovingRadiance 11-23-2009 04:42 AM

We are Mono.
It's been a little scary getting here (like a HARDCORE rollercoaster in many ways).
But it's so amazing to realize that through it we've BOTH had each other's back 100% and are at the end grinning and giggling. Though admittedly I think we'd rather head for a new ride then repeat this one! ;)

LovingRadiance 11-23-2009 04:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maca (Post 12677)
Lover , you are a great soul. Your my friend , wife and my lover.I have and I am learning so much in this life with you.I have heard," I dont even know who you are" so many times in the last two months, its scary. I'm me , I'm open, I'm true. I'm glad you have finally stopped living your life to suit the popular masses.

RP ( hugs my dear) you have been a friend just by talking to me.

Peace and Love
Maca

XO, you are quickly becoming one of my dearest and best friends-and that means so much more to me then you could EVER know.
XO.

MonoVCPHG 11-23-2009 04:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 12680)
We are Mono.
It's been a little scary getting here (like a HARDCORE rollercoaster in many ways).
But it's so amazing to realize that through it we've BOTH had each other's back 100% and are at the end grinning and giggling. Though admittedly I think we'd rather head for a new ride then repeat this one! ;)

I'm mono..repeating the same ride is in my nature :eek:
Hopefully this is funny...

LovingRadiance 11-23-2009 04:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 12682)
I'm mono..repeating the same ride is in my nature :eek:
Hopefully this is funny...

It is funny-just a little headturning with the giggle is all. ;)

redpepper 11-23-2009 08:21 AM

Oh. I just wrote you a PM, not realizing this was all public knowledge and you answered some of my questions already! but publically!

So, I don't really get it. And it isn't our business so you don't have to respond (you did say it isn't for this thread), but why would Maca think that he couldn't fuck another woman without you around (I have to say, *really!*:rolleyes:) and why would you want to add this drama added to your life? Stuff like that creates craziness in my experience and adds more to an already complicated issue. Was this to some how even up the score, make you feel that your cheating for 15 years was somehow lessened? Was it just a way to have his needs met so that you would feel better about your and greenchecos needs being met? I don't mean to sound rude, and blunt, and certainly am not judging, but I am trying to understand and care about you all. How this would at all benefit anyone other than your friend and Maca got a night of fucking that was above board is very odd to me and rather puzzling. :confused:

redpepper 11-23-2009 08:32 AM

Just one more thing, I'm glad it all brought you together! You have a funny way of bringing yourselves back to connection though I must say! :D

Does this mean Maca is considering dating this woman? Could he be poly after all?! Not the ideal way to start a relationship, but..... I'm one to talk. :p

LifesRogue 11-23-2009 05:09 PM

Im still quite new to the definition of poly, as I have always been poly, but never knew of the definition persay either.

but wanted to respond to this,
My husband believes that there will be souls in life that intregue us, that we will often fall deeply for. I feel as he does, that there are ppl out there that u will love and care deeply for and hence generally where my poly ideals come from.

Hubby is similar however in that he is not specifically poly, although he is open to the idea that one day he may find a girlfriend, he really is very mono in PRACTICE, although poly in PHILOSOPHY...if that makes sense.

I have not ever set him up with anyone, but have tried to get an understanding of what he may be looking for in life. I would be lying to say it didnt thrill me to see him interested or looking at another girl from time to time, to know that I am not hurting him or 'leaving him in the dust' with who I am and MORE so, who he allows me to be day in and out.

So, although I can agree that this could be problematic for both parties, setting up a date night persay, I can also relate to the feeling of connection that Radiance is seeking from her partner. The connection being a simple understanding of how she feels being understood by her partner whom she cares deeply for and does not want to hurt because she is who she is, but the hubby does not view HIS life that way.

I live every day, day in to day out, hoping that I never hurt my hubby because of the way that I am. I pray in great thanks each of those days for the unconditional LOVE and RESPECT that he gives to me for being EVERYTHING that I am, inside and out.

just wanted to share...


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:36 PM.