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-   -   UPDATE: for those following "Will you be my husband's girlfriend" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12390)

openbj 07-20-2011 02:55 AM

UPDATE: for those following "Will you be my husband's girlfriend"
Last night brought about a whole shrew of gear changes!!! All for the good. I was chatting with a friend of ours (female). We were just chatting, nothing serious, just enjoying visiting with one another and catching up. Well, things just took a natural direction towards poly talk. I opened up and told her that J and I are going poly. She loved the idea!! She said, "You know, I'm really not surprised. I could see this really working for you guys."

I don't think I could have breathed a bigger sigh of relief!! From there, the conversation took another turn, but still following the poly lines. She thought that J had flirted around with her on several occasions in the past. I assured her, that yes, he indeed had lol. He finds her to be an attractive woman and really has a lot of respect for her. He has wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship with her, but never moved forward with anything because he didn't want to hurt the friendship all the way around and didn't think she would be interested.

Turns out, she is possibly interested!!! She says, "I can really see how this would all work. We're all family anyways, I love you both, I know you guys love me in return. Let me think about it." J is ecstatic!!!! He never thought he had a chance with her so he never sought anything. But then, this naturally flowing conversation flows exactly where he's wondered about all this time. So, she is now thinking about things. If anything, she and I are even closer as friends for opening up like this last night. She is like the sister I have never had! She's single, never been married, no kids, and just a complete doll of a person (inside and out). She said that her biggest concern is that she would be intruding on us, but I assured her that wouldn't be the case. Awwwwwwww, I did not expect this, but I love it!!!!

It's funny how things can just naturally present themselves when you're not even looking. I've already talked to her about moving with us, which she just loves the idea of!! Actually, before these job offers came on the table, we were considering moving to her town in TX and she was planning on becoming roommates with us already. She's having housing problems with her college, so we were going to rent her a room. Now, we may just be living together as a real family, completely open and honest!! She is even possibly willing to transfer colleges to be with us, which is part of what she has to think about. We're actually hoping to get the OK job even more now, because we could still just move to her college town and J could commute back and forth to work, no problems. Then she wouldn't have to transfer schools.

Awwwwww (sorry, I can't stop saying awwww lol), we're all kind of riding on Cloud 9 right now.

TruckerPete 07-20-2011 02:44 PM

Why the rush to move in together? Why not date for a bit first? Or, a while. A long while.

Adjusting to a roommate is hard enough. Adjusting to a new relationship is also tough. Why combine the two? Seems like a recipe for disaster, especially since you've not had the benefit of previous poly relationships to foresee stumbling points that are a natural part of the process.

MonoVCPHG 07-20-2011 02:57 PM

patience and pacing :)

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 92925)
Adjusting to a new relationship is also tough. Why combine the two? Seems like a recipe for disaster, especially since you've not had the benefit of previous poly relationships to foresee stumbling points that are a natural part of the process.

Let's be honest here people. We have seen lots people floating on a cloud of NRE rush into this very situation....most have failed. Things happen behind the scenes of the forum and when they are negative, they are often not shared.

One step at a time my friend, slow down. it sounds like you could be off to a good start but this is just the start. She's offering to make possible changes in her life that could have a big impact on her academic development. Why not see if the relationship works at all before jumping into something with both feet and finding out it doesn't work.

I know you are very excited about this and that is great, but expect that you will have to go through some stuff you didn't count on.

This is a very exciting time for you...just breath and have patience :)

openbj 07-20-2011 07:31 PM

I understand where ya'll are coming from, I really do. But, she has lived with us in the past already, just as a roommate and good friend. We all had a blast!

Like I said, we're hoping to move to her school town so that she doesn't have to look at transferring schools. She would still live with us, because that was in the plans already, before the job offers came in. She has been booted from the dorms because of a goof in the admin office, but she can't afford an apartment on her own. The school is willing to pay a small monthly rate if she can find a room to rent for this next school year. After that, she's on her own. So, we figure it would just be nice to be able to supply a room for her. If she does transfer schools so J can live closer to his work, then either she'll live with us until she can find a job and a place or she'll be in the dorms nearby.

TruckerPete 07-20-2011 07:49 PM

I have personally never seen anyone on this forum move in with someone (even friends) and start a poly relationship with them at the same time and come back to tell us of their success. Generally, they come back asking for advice and support with what's happened since the move (very bad, unexpected things), or hint at trouble then drop off the face of the planet.

If you must do this, please do your research on foundations, and actually, there's a really good list of questions from another group I'm part of that's a very good start to figuring out what everyone wants. You should sit down, the three of you, and make sure you're in agreement about these things.


i.e. can i/we give possibility of long term commitment? living together? life/future? marriage? (or are we a closed group?) can i/we offer fluid bonding at any point? can we define what safe sex means to us? can i/we offer shared events, outings, vacations, etc. (or do we need connections who are willing to be background or portrayed as friends, not romantic partners?) can i/we offer a level of connection where communication and/or seeing each other daily is feasible?

can i/we give partners support of any other connection? (or is there a want or expectation for approval and/or vetos?) can i/we give support of newer relationships even if the primary connection develops problems? (or is there an expectation that other love would be reduced or disposed of?) can i/we offer support from the start and along the way? (or is there a probation period?) can i/we offer support of a new love making plans for time and projects with our partner(s)? (or are time and project decisions made from within the existing relationship?) can we support informing each other of plans? (or do we intend to grant or deny permission?) can i/we offer support of individual connections? (or is overlap and/or love/sex all directions required?) can i/we offer support even if some of the connections shift?

can i/we offer privacy of intimate moments? (or is there an expectation that everything must be share-able?) can i/we offer financial intertwinement? having kids? parenting? can i/we offer an actual *place* for other loves to visit/sleep? does that involve existing partners giving up beds and/or bedrooms? can i/we be ok with that? (or do other loves need to come with their own place, car, and/or finances for hotel rooms?) etc.

openbj 07-20-2011 09:34 PM

We've already discussed just about everything in that quote together lol. We may not be able to meet face to face right now, but we do all still talk on a daily basis.

Actually, comparing that list to how we relate with D now, it really isn't much different, except with her being J's girlfriend lol. She has lived with us in the past and could possibly live with us again (ultimate goal would be to find a house with a garage apartment or something so she still had her independence). She has gone on vacations and trips with us on several occasions already, so that part is nothing new and would just continue. We're actually looking to go on a family cruise for Christmas this year and D would be invited to join us. Which, even if she were to decide not to move forward with poly and just remain friends, she would probably still be invited to go with us. That's just how we all are together.

When we live close together (or in the same house), we do everything together, the three of us, and do a lot together with our boys included. While we have lived apart (us here in OK and D in TX), we have dreamed and planned on things to do together once we move close to each other again (that's always been in the plans, we can't stand living away from each other).

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