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-   -   A difficult decision to make (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12389)

NotInventedHere 07-20-2011 02:35 AM

A difficult decision to make
Hi all. I'll first of all say that I'm not into polyamory proper - for me personally, the best relationship is sexually free but sentimentally monogamous.

Anyway... I never was a big fan of sexual monogamy - never could figure out why you can be the most loving and caring person in the world, but if you happen to give an orgasm to someone else you're suddenly an asshole/whore that doesn't even deserve attention, much less continuation of the relationship. I also can't see why people understand that you get bored of, say, always eating the same food, but find it unacceptable that you get bored of always having sex with the same person.

However, my girlfriend of six years was monogamous, so I endured it (properly - didn't cheat once). Then, after the end of my first (and so far only) long-term relationship, I decided I was done with the whole idea. I have far too strong a sexual drive and a desire for new experiences to be content with having a single-digit number of sexual partners in my life - and having only had 2 at the age of 27 certainly doesn't sync with that view. So I decided from then onward it'd be either mindless sexual fun with random people, or a relationship with someone who thought like me.

I quickly encountered two problems. Problem 1 is that finding people who like open relationships is really stupidly hard. Problem 2 is that intentions are all well and good, but life has a way of screwing up your best efforts. In this case, I found a girl with whom everything clicks - she's exactly the sort of person I need right now, and possibly exactly the sort of person I've always needed. I'm not yet in love with her, though I could easily become madly so if I let my feelings go unbridled, but I'm definitely feeling things I never felt before. It's hard to explain, but in some way it's as if I feel things are meant to happen - and this means a lot coming from someone who's never believed in fate, signals and all that stuff.

There is just one thing that doesn't click. At first it seemed like she might be accepting of a sexually free relationship, but it wasn't so - as soon as the topic even remotely drifted to extra-relationship sex, she made it quite clear that she's monogamous.

Telling her I intend to be sexually promiscuous is a surefire to destroy every chance of what might be a fantastic relationship. But if I don't tell her, then I have to resign myself to potentially years of more sexual monogamy, which might end up wrecking the relationship (it certainly helped a lot to kill the first one). And the only alternative - the only way to, ironically enough, ensure a stable sexuality from me - would be to have occasional extra-relationship sexual flings that I'd have to keep hidden. The hiding wouldn't be a problem from a practical point of view thanks to a favourable geographic situation and several potential targets that I know wouldn't cause problems, but there is something inside me that rebels at the thought of promising something with the specific intention of breaking it, especially when I know the pain it'd cause if it ever came out. I've never consciously broken someone's trust, no matter if they could or couldn't find out, and it feels like a huge barrier to cross, and one I'm not certain I want to even get near to.

I considered just letting her go and focusing on having fun, but I'd lie if I said there isn't a part of me that deeply wants to love and be loved, and that would make me feel like I've given up what may well be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for sentimental ecstasy. So far, that part and the part that wants to have fun are fighting a bloody battle with no winners.

Any opinions?

I wish people didn't complicate things so much. :(

redpepper 07-20-2011 04:28 AM

Either let her go, or save you and her a world of pain; tell her the truth that you will never be able to be faithful to her sexually and see what happens. Seems clear as mud to me :)

Anneintherain 07-20-2011 04:28 AM


Originally Posted by NotInventedHere (Post 92851)
Telling her I intend to be sexually promiscuous is a surefire to destroy every chance of what might be a fantastic relationship. (

Well...ya! That terminology might be a bit much. Much more sage people will come along with good advice, but I'll throw in my two cents.

Is it that you want to be sexually promiscuous, or that you'd like to be open to having other partners? Do you want one night stands, friends with benefits, or occasional romps with long distance partners when you're in their neck of the woods? All of the above? How do you see your choice of living fitting in with a monogamous partner? Are there compromises you might be willing to make if she makes a compromise about what she is comfortable with?

If you have a better idea of what your wants and needs are, I am sure you can couch them in a way that is true to what you want, but doesn't automatically scare off this person. But no, never would I suggest lying. Think how you'd feel a few years down the line if this person who you thought you might be able to have everything with, finds out you have lied to her? You probably lose her, lose some integrity, and won't really like yourself anymore. Better to be honest with her (in small steps if you need to, before you do anything you'll regret) in my opinion. If you end up having to part ways, at least if sometime in the future she changes her mind about relationship styles, she might be willing to look you up again.

MonoVCPHG 07-20-2011 03:18 PM


Originally Posted by NotInventedHere (Post 92851)
as soon as the topic even remotely drifted to extra-relationship sex, she made it quite clear that she's monogamous.


I'd say you've answered your own question here. Unless you want to live like a caged animal I suggest you find someone who wants the same type of open relationship you do before you get in too deep. You'll be saving yourself, and her, a lot of grief.

My suggestion: Lay it on the line now and see what she does. You don't have external ties keeping you together like some that go down this path (kids, house, possessions). If you stay together it is for the right reasons and not because you are bound by external pressures.

Carma 07-20-2011 07:47 PM

Just a quick comment.

First welcome!

Second, wow, your honesty is amazing. Even more so is your commitment to being honest. I hope you will stick with that. Wish more people were like you.

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