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-   -   Mono GF having problems dealing..... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12375)

lovinhimloviner 07-19-2011 04:39 PM

Mono GF having problems dealing.....
My husband and I are still relatively new to Polyamory. We have been in this life for about a year and I am very happy. We have a large family, my husband our 4 kids and my OSO J all live together. My H OSO M comes over often or they go out at least 5 nights out of the week. We are all dealing with the new situation and a new house as we have just moved. I have this problem of worrying about everyone. I know H and I are fine and I know J and I are fine. M is a mono who has a Christian mom. Because we live in such a small town everyone learns things about you even if you try to keep it to yourself. We go to the kids ballgames together and to the gas stations and stores together. It is not uncommon for the people at the gas station to see H and M together more than me and H. They like to get out of the house and do all the running and j and I like to sit at home with the kids. Anyway long story short someone who works with her mom put two and two together and told her mom why she has been so happy. Her mom cornered her and started screaming at her about how she is ruining my kidís life and our marriage. This combined with the fact that all of her friends have found out and not just disagreed with her decision but has made it their life mission to try and ruin her life and make her feel like a huge pile of crap, she is not dealing with things well. I know it isnít my place to try to fix any of this but I need to help somehow.
Is there any monos out there who have dealt with pretty much loosing everyone you thought cared about you for someone that you love sooo very much and donít want to lose? Was there anything that helped you deal with all of this?
I know she wants to get married and have kids someday and I feel like I am blocking her happiness by being married to him first. I will never leave my husband for any reason but I would be willing to sign a paper saying that we are no longer married so that she can have all of her dreams come true too. I feel like I am going crazy and I donít know how to not want to fix things.
Our kids are happy and love J and M like they are family. I know they are not ruined because of our lifestyle but I donít know how to try and get others to understand. Any suggestions will help guys. Thanks

nycindie 07-19-2011 05:00 PM

What a bunch of nosey busybodies in town!

I have a few ideas. Since the cat is out of the bag now, why not all of you go out socially a few times so people can see that you guys are all happy with the situation? Or go out alone with M as friends and let everyone in town wonder all over again (I love messing with people who stick their noses in where they don't belong).

You said, "I know she wants to get married and have kids someday and I feel like I am blocking her happiness by being married to him first." How long has your hubs H been seeing M? Are you and he opposed to him fathering children with her, if that is what she wants? Do you know what she wants? Maybe she doesn't see herself as a wife and mother, or maybe she's fine with it being a bit more distant in the future. And if she does, why couldn't she have a primary and still see H as a secondary? No need to feel like you're preventing the relationship from developing, as it can take many more forms in poly than it could conventionally! Signing a paper saying you're not married wouldn't do anything -- you'd still be married. But I think you are panicking too much.

lovinhimloviner 07-19-2011 06:00 PM

I know I'm panicking too much...I'm just afraid it will all fall apart. M is a great person and H and her are perfect for each other. She has told me that she never realized how much she wanted to get married and have kids till she fell in love with H. I would be absolutely fine with them having kids and would do everything i could to help make things easier. She is having a lot of trouble dealing with the isolation that has come from everyone finding out. She is a private mono type anyway and only has eyes for H. They have been friends for some time but has only been really dating for about 8 months i think. I know it is such a short time but anyone with eyes can see how much they belong together. M and I get along great and love to sit and laugh with each other. I am a talker and like to share how I am feeling. She is more of a not talk about things and just push them down out of the way kinda girl. She has had a pretty sheltered life and hasn't had to deal with much emotion in several years before now. I can see how strong she is but sometimes when everything she has pushed down starts to surface she has a melt down. Of course she only does this when she is alone because talking and dealing with feelings isn't something she is very good at.

lovinhimloviner 07-19-2011 08:25 PM

I guess I just really need people to talk to that understands and won't tell me I am just being selfish and ruining my family by living this lifestyle.

sage 07-19-2011 09:28 PM

I know many Christians are fine with polyamory but the reality is that most are not. My daughter is christian and we used to be very very close. The fact that my partner is polyamorous has pushed us apart to a certain extent. I can understand how a christian mother would feel about her daughter getting involved in an arrangement like this and as the cat is out of the bag there is no way to stuff it back in. I can see why you're worried.

By this "paper you are willing to sign", do you mean divorce? I know that sounds drastic but it might be the only way to give your husband the woman that he loves very much. You could always find two houses next to each other or have an upstairs downstairs set-up so that you could all still be close. It might just be easier with life in a small town. The other option is moving, but M will still be without her family which is a big loss.

Having said all this, M did know what she was getting into from the start and she is an adult so you shouldn't have to feel guilty (very hard though). I too have a tendency to worry and feel responsible about a whole raft of things. I have a new little trick that is helping me with things outside of my control
I divide everything up into three areas. My business, other people's business and God's business. Sometimes it's hard to tell where something falls. In these cases I leave it alone until it becomes clear to me. Living with uncertainly is part of the polyamorous deal because you have more people to
consider and they have own baggage to deal with. My other new trick is living life one day at a time and doing the very best I can with that.

Good luck

lovinhimloviner 07-20-2011 01:05 AM

Thank you I was beginning to think the idea of a divorce was irrational. They both said that will never happen but in my eyes we are both the primary and she deserves to have everything I have had for the last 10 years. Nothing will change in my mind except maybe a little acceptance from her friends and family. I can not picture our lives with out her in it.

BrigidsDaughter 07-20-2011 01:20 AM

I am not sure how you divorcing your hubby and her marrying your him would appease her mother. Especially since that sounds exactly like the sort of thing her mother is worried about, that your kids will suffer the stigma of having divorced parents. While this is not as a big of a deal these days as it used to be, in small very religious towns it can be huge. Don't rush things. She loves you guys and you love her. Take things slowly, like going out as one big family to show that your kids are just fine and see where things go from there.

sage 07-20-2011 01:25 AM

With this kind of love and thinking underpinning your relationships I'm sure everything will work out. This is probably the most loving thing I have read on any forum. I wish you the very best :-)

lovinhimloviner 07-20-2011 01:33 AM

Thank you very much :)

lovinhimloviner 07-23-2011 03:30 PM

Well things seem to be going better, if anyone is following this. M doesn't talk much to her mom but she hasn't disowned her yet like we thought. My H needs some lessons on trying to keep everyone happy though. He seems to forget about me in his NRE. I tried even reminding him all of the time how much I love him and even surprised him with some day time sneaking off lovin. But I don't get much of it back.

One thing I'm not sure we are doing right is time management. Since my OSO lives with us, when M is there then her and H are a couple and J and I are. When she isn't then H and I are the couple and J gets loving looks. I really feel like this leaves H with all of the attention all of the time. He is fine with the way things are working of course lol. The reason it started that way is because M is mono and I am trying to respect the fact that she isn't used to seeing her bf with someone else. She understands we are married and we still kiss each other good bye and good night but when she stays the night 5 or 6 nights out of the week I start to feel a little left out. H says I should at least be happy j is there all of the time so I am not lonely but I miss H and sometimes it gets to be too much. I end up having a mini break down and having a day where I just cry for no other reason. Sitting at work? crying. Going to the gas station? crying. People in this small town probably think I am just so un happy with everything and I'm really not.

Something that has been bothering both of us girls are we are the only two with jobs right now. J usually takes care of the kids, washes dishes and does the laundry and H will find something to do during the day most days but us girls are the only ones bringing in any money. Last night I found out I should be starting a second job (working with M, she will be my boss! That might bring on a whole new set of issues) because we need the money and they desperately need the help. J was so bothered by this and was very upset all night that I had to get 2 jobs to take care of 4 kids and 2 men. I don't know if it will motivate him any but it was real emotion when he spoke. H on the other hand said "Well there ya go baby" lol I just felt like I wasn't worth enough to him at all last night. Now he wants to know what is wrong and I am reluctant to say anything to him. I don't want to fight today it is my son's birthday party and I don't want him pissy all day.

Ok I am done rambling just had to get the off my chest. I feel better already.

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