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-   -   New poly couple going slowly,somewhat. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12344)

jrrmjr820 07-18-2011 07:32 PM

New poly couple going slowly,somewhat.
Hello everyone,

Well, as some background, hubby, let's call him M and I are embarking on our first foray into poly. We have always discussed bringing in another man to our relationship. M is bisexual but not biamorous and I am straight and polyamorous. We just figured that being married with two young children, lets call them B and Q, we could only just talk about it.

Well my sister, N, came to us 2 months ago and told us that she is entering a polyfi mff triad with a husband and wife who also have 2 young children. So we realized that it didn't have to be just talk so we began our search for an at least bicurious man to enter our relationship. Well, we have found a potential partner, let's call him D.

We have met him in person once so far and have determined that we do have some chemistry. We have been emailing and messaging and texting for going on two weeks. We will be seeing him again on Wed for some more getting to know you time. He is also married with two young children and a mono wife, we'll call her L. She knows that he is poly and is supportive but doesn't want details. We have hope that if this works out that she will at least meet us and possibly become a good friend as we all have a lot in common.

I asked both M and D if they would mind my starting a thread about this on here as a way for me to get out the joys and any sorrows or frustrations that this process dishes out. We plan to take the bedroom activities slowly and see how things go. M is a sub and so he is not very take charge in bed and that is okay with me some of the time. D is an alpha personality so he likes to take charge in bed and that appeals to my equally sub side.

I am a true switch when it comes to that stuff. It just depends on my mood. M and I are into some BDSM and have recently joined a group for that side of us. D has no experience in that area but has said he is willing to explore it as he becomes more comfortable. The things that I like require my partner to take charge and M will do so if asked but it is not his preference.

Labels aren't that important to me but I am not sure if we would be a triad as the 3 of us will have sexual contact with each other or a quad as he is married but she won't be having sex with either M or me. Any suggestions on that? Well, I will be adding to this as things progress.


nycindie 07-18-2011 07:35 PM

Hi and welcome! How about adding some paragraph breaks?

jrrmjr820 07-18-2011 07:37 PM

Sorry about that, I didn't realize that it was quite that long and the iPad isn't letting me scroll through it to fix things. Is that better? I ran upstairs and fixed it on the computer. It should flow much better now.

jrrmjr820 07-19-2011 04:03 PM

Well, I am getting excited for our get together with D tomorrow. We will do more talking and getting to know each other and he will meet my sister and the kids. N will take B and Q down to play Lego in the playroom so we can have adult conversation without the kids around as we are introducing D as a new friend of ours. I have hope that things will continue to progress and that this will turn into something mutually beneficial and longterm. We shall see how it unfolds.

jrrmjr820 07-20-2011 04:20 PM

Well, it seems like this journey may end before it even starts. :( D says that he is not sure if he is ready yet due to things that he is still carrying from the past. He is concerned that we will head down this path and he will end up pulling out and hurting us. I told him that we all have baggage and that I think that we need to at least try. It is my choice to risk being hurt and I am willing to risk it. Even without our collective baggage, there is the risk of all of us being hurt down the road if this doesn't work out. We are going to talk more later and I will let you guys know how it goes.

jrrmjr820 07-20-2011 06:57 PM

Well, D is not coming over tonight. :( He is going to take a couple of days and think and decide if he really wants to try with us or not. I am willing to be hurt if he is willing to try as there are never guarantees in life and especially love.

However, if he just wants to chat with me and exchange naughty words and pictures and set up future meetings that he will then back out of like tonight, I want a clean break.

We have too much chemistry and I don't think that I can be "just friends" with someone when there is this much chemistry as evidenced on our first meet up and never be able to act on it. It's too hard and not fair to me.

He agrees with me but has asked for a few days where we both think things over. I have let him know that the ball is in his court. If he is wiling to try to make things work then I am all in but if he just can't then a clean break is best for all of us especially considering we both have 2 small children to think of in addition to his wife.

jrrmjr820 07-21-2011 12:51 AM

Well, apparently, my post has upset D and so he said he no longer needs a couple of days. I guess he took my venting as portraying him as an asshole which I guess I can see but wasn't my intention.

He did tell me he might not be ready but I asked him to try so he kept on even though he was still having a hard time. I wish that after that first time and he felt that way that when I asked him to try he would have just said no and ended it then.

I thought that I could just be friends with him as a like minded person if he truly didn't have an interest but i got more attached than i realized and i just can't do that and be fair to any of us.

He says that he was trying not to dwell on it so,that he could try to get to a place to move forward since that is what I seemed to want which is true. I did, however, tell him on more than one occasion that if he felt he couldn't so it to tell me and he kept on keeping on all the while telling me that he was coming over tonight for talking and play time.

Of course, I was disappointed today when found out that he was not coming for sure. I needed to vent and start putting up walls in preparation of rejection. I was honest with him before starting this thread that sometimes I would be venting on here and that if he read anything that he didn't like to come to me and ask about it. Instead, I think that he grasped at what I wrote as the catalyst to do what he wanted and needed to do anyway, end it with me before we went any further.

I can respect that but it doesn't make the last two weeks disappear. I guess that I am making rookie mistakes. I will you guys know how things go on our journey to add more love to our lives.

jrrmjr820 07-22-2011 04:05 AM

Well, another day has gone by and we aren't much closer on our journey into the poly world. I know that you shouldn't rush things but it feels like I failed myself by pushing my square peg too hard into D's round hole of a life.

M has been super busy the past year or so and I am lonely. I am hoping that with finally exploring my poly side that I can find someone to connect with that M gets along with and possibly also connects with.

I hope that eventually, we can get to a point that when M is gone a lot the new guy can help me by giving me adult interaction, love and cuddles and of course adult play time. That when M is home, we can all interact and enjoy time spent together.

B has what is either ringworm or a bad spider bite, I will know better tomorrow. I hope that whatever it is that it heals quickly and that she doesn't get too sick from it. Q is hilarious and frustrating. Tonight, M had an event to attend and Q kept coming up to me and saying, "Mommy, my need to talk to you por a min," me..."what do you need budbud?" him..."When is my daddy coming home and is he coming in his twuck? Whewe is his twuck?", lol. That went on for an hour.

Well, I will keep this updated as we continue on.

just3 07-22-2011 01:14 PM

We have had ups and downs as well. Just hopefully coming down the hill of our last hump. Hubs and I also have 2 kids. Wait till you find a square hole for your square peg ;) I think my peg is a octagon lolol. And finding another octagon takes time
Good luck!

jrrmjr820 07-22-2011 01:20 PM

Thanks, Chris. I guess I am just feeling discouraged is all. B seems to have a bug bite but I am not sure. We are going to watch it for today and will call the doc tomorrow if it isn't improving as she says that it really hurts. :( On an excited note, we are doing a virtual academy with her and her books and supplies will be here today. The only thing they still need to send is her hardware and that should come in a few weeks.

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