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-   -   Does this bug you? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12314)

Imapolygirlmaybe 07-17-2011 08:28 PM

Does this bug you?
*Bear with me please, I am SUPER new to the board and poly (in fact I still feel weird calling myself that) and so if I use the wrong terms or seem off base that is why*

I have a boyfriend, he is married. His wife and my hubby ARE NOT in a relationship (although they have had sex a few times). My hubby and his wife DO not have a bf or gf. Our marriages are both open. This is all fairly new and it's been ROCKY. Started out as a swinging relationship and from the get go was very intense between bf and I.

On to my question.

He gets ONE evening a week to come over and spend time with me. This was agreed on by all parties. He waits until my kids and his are in bed before he comes over. So this way we have four or five hours of one on one times and lots of sex. This is THE ONLY time we are allowed to have sex (once a week.)

That is not the part that bugs me.

His wife INCESSANTLY texts him while he is here. She KNOWS we only get one night, she knows he and I could possibly be having sex and she texts him anyway. I DO NOT initiate texts with him, this is to avoid my possibly interputing their time or something they may be doing. When he and I text it's almost ALWAYS because he initiates the text.

I finally broke down and got mad about it. Why? He and I were arguing about something and SHE knew he was coming over to resolve said issue. He and I are in a heated discussion, she texts, he stops talking to me reads the texts and then I say what was that all about?

His answer?

"oh she was telling me about this deal she found on sheets."



I lost my mind. I told him that while I REALIZE 100% that she is his wife and COMES FIRST...that it's incredibly hurtful to me when we are fighting that he will STOP talking to me to discuss sheets. She knew we were fighting and felt the need to text him about sheets. I get it if it were something important like something with the kids, or whatever but sheets? REALLY?

The texting thing has always annoyed me. But to text with her while we are having a heated discussion about sheets to me is just disrespectful on both parts.

Is it just me? Is this normal for poly relationships? Am I just being jealous?

just3 07-17-2011 08:39 PM

It would irritate the crap out of me. My last bf actually looked and answered a text DURING sex. I almost killed him. bf wasnt in a relationship outside of ours but still felt the need to talk to a friend of his DURING! I was so pissed. It ruined the mood lol. IF there is a emergency with a kid etc that warrants a phone call not a text.
It is a respect issue. During your time he shouldnt be talking with his wife about sheets for sure lol. I would be having a discussion with your bf about it. Just because a text comes through doesnt mean it has to be read right then. Thats just my opinion anyway.

nycindie 07-17-2011 08:41 PM

Along with your rules about only seeing each other once a week, establish that he will not answer texts until he's heading home, or that she will not send any unless it is an emergency. There has to be some respect for your relationship with him. And that respect must come from both her and him. If they won't accept that, I would find that rather sad and wonder what place I had in his life if I was accorded so little consideration.

River 07-17-2011 08:51 PM

You can play at the rule thing which nycindie recommended, and that's fine, or you can all decide to grow up and be adults about this thing, in which case you will have need of only one rule: Love one another. I mean, 'cmon!, texting about sheets while with your other, and him texting back about it...?! That's unloving behavior on both sides. So, in my mind, is the rule about seeing each other once a week during certain prescribed hours. But that's none of my business. You do it however you want, but I'll say that if you're all loving one another you'll find that there will be less and less need for setting up rules for one another.

And get some polyamory books and read and discuss them. I'd not try auto mechanics without a manual or some training, and you don't seem to me to be a born natural at groking poly. So I'll keep my hands out from under the hood, and you do some reading up. And all shall be fine in the world.


It just occurred to me that my relationships don't involve rules like, "Don't bust the windows out in my house" and "don't deliberately scratch my favorite CDs with a fork" and "Don't throw cold water on me when I'm sleeping".... All of this stuff is implicit in loving relationships, and so is "Don't text me, or answer text messages, when I'm sharing precious intimate time with my partner." And I would say setting a rule like "don't see your other love but once a week for x number of hours" breaks the implicit premise of loving. A rule having to do with trusting your loved one to make sound decisions about spending time with their other partner. Yes, it is loving to ask for more time if such time is desired and the other partner is taking up a lot of one's time. That, too, is implicit in loving.

Imapolygirlmaybe 07-17-2011 09:23 PM

It's so nice to have a place to come and ask questions. AHHHHHHHHH so nice.

The once a week thing is only for sex. I see him nearly every day. We can only have sex once a week per his wife.

Yes we have more rules than I like. This is why.

This started out as a strictly swinging relationship. His wife had issues from the start though.

Each time she would exhibit behavior that made me think she was uncomfortable with he and I (i.e. texting the whole time he is there, asking when are you coming home, changing social media statuses to things like "home all by my lonesome") first he would talk to her about it and she would claim to not have an issue and would blame it on something unrelated.

I finally decided to have a sit down talk with her about a month into this (things were NOT serious with he and I at that point) and I explained why I thought she was uncomfortable and told her I would end things immediately if she was not comfy with me for whatever reason. I did not want to cause an uproar. She even said to me she really was fine and blamed it on everything under the sun except being uncomfortable.

Fast forward three months later, a huge blowup ensued between the two of them and she told him she wanted him to end it. This did NOT go over well because for the three to four months during this NO MATTER WHAT we did she continued to say she was fine with everything....then it turned into a relationship.....that at that point she wanted to end. After a huge long discussion she agreed that she would TRY to accept the relationship that had grown but that she was not sure she could and that we had to STOP having sex.

We stopped.

We were allowed to talk and still see each other but NO sex. This was hard. This went on for six weeks. I was angry that I opened myself up to this relationship with him for her to back track and say "well I was never okay....even though I said I was."

I nearly walked away during that time. It was very difficult but the relationship he and I had was important and he and my hubby had become pretty good friends.

She eventually said we could start having sex again but only once a week. We have stuck to that....and I don't like it but my feelings for him and our relationship was more important so I just deal with it.

We all hang out in a group setting and this works well. She and I get along fairly well considering.

I told him that the texting thing had to stop and the last time he came over she didn't text him while he was here.

We have had many bumps in this road and I am sure we will have more. The BF really does mean well but I think he is just as confused as I am. She says she's okay with he and I but I just don't know.

Mohegan 07-17-2011 09:36 PM

I'd be pretty pissed. I try to not call Karma at all when he is with someone else. Occasionaly I will, if it can't wait. But for the most part, that's their time. We actualy got in the habit of Karma calling when he was heading home to see if I needed him to pick anything up.

I'm sorry but texting over sheets, regardless of who you are with is kind of a sad waste of time.

I'd talk to your b/f or his wife if you guys are able to, and ask her to pull back a little. If this is new for all of you, she may not have realised that it is infringing on the small amount of time you have together.

As for the one night a week thing, I get it if this is all new. She is probably easing into it to try and make the transition easier. I've eased up quite a bit now that the newness has worn off and I have adapted to things. I'm not against schedules, they keep things from getting crazy. But the rigidity of her schedule seems to be a bit much.

Maybe its time the two of you have a chat?

Mohegan 07-17-2011 09:42 PM

Sorry just read your last post. It defintaly sounds like she is adjusting. Especialy if she didn't text after he talked to her. Sounds like she wasn't aware it was an issue. Some people can't put themselves in that spot and realise it. That's where the communication comes in. Im sure it's hard to be so restricted, but your patience will pay off if she really is trying.

Imapolygirlmaybe 07-17-2011 09:53 PM

Oh that's the reason I have not just walked away because I do see that she is trying and in some ways things are so much better. There are still a few things that irritate me though and I find myself resenting her because of certain actions.

He has to ask each time before we have sex and that infuriates me. We really have honestly stuck to the once a week thing but it MAKES ME ANGRY that he has to ask permission like he is five. This leaves ZERO spontanity for us. He says he just does that as a kind gesture to her. He says that she didnt tell him he had to but if he is here and things get hot, if he has not asked her we don't have sex. PERIOD. I hate this and I am trying to just deal with it. I want to talk to her about the whole POLY thing but it's tough. I don't even think he has actually said the poly word to her. She knows we have a relationship but I believe that she wants it to remain the way that it is. Her having control over when/how/why etc and me sitting here waiting around all the time. IT drives me batty. I only THINK that and I could be totally wrong.


Originally Posted by Mohegan (Post 92390)
Sorry just read your last post. It defintaly sounds like she is adjusting. Especialy if she didn't text after he talked to her. Sounds like she wasn't aware it was an issue. Some people can't put themselves in that spot and realise it. That's where the communication comes in. Im sure it's hard to be so restricted, but your patience will pay off if she really is trying.

redpepper 07-18-2011 02:21 AM

I can hear the resentment in your posts. Might is suggest that you view this differently and encourage the others to do the same? Boundaries are a good thing, but not about ownership over others and not if they aren't fluid. Your "rules" are fluid but one sided. You all have the right to have boundaries, so express them and be grateful that others listen and do their best to oblige. Eventually the need for such strict "rules" will subside and turn into communicating immediately what needs there are before assumptions and expectations seep in. It takes patience and a lot of time. Let this resentment you have go. I don't think it serves anyone to project that out into the world. You are fucking her husband. She didn't siign up for an emotional attachment when you started this. Be empathetic. How would you feel?

This is all very new. Have patience! Go at the pace of the one that is struggling the most (ie. her). Breath and remind your self that there is lots of time and there will be lots of struggles. This cell phone thing is pretty minor compared to most issues that land on the doorstep here. Read around and see. I think you should be grateful that things are moving forward at all.

Anneintherain 07-18-2011 05:02 AM

I also would have only been mad at my boyfriend, and not his wife, in this situation. Nobody said he had to read or respond to the texts, and even though you have problems with what is going on with the current rules and all, it doesn't seem fair to blame her for his behavior.

The fact that you told him it had to stop and he didn't get texts the last time seems to me that his wife is respectful of this, and it either 1. didn't occur to her that it was a problem because you didn't mention it to bf earlier and let him know it was a problem for YOU or 2. she assumed he wouldnt be enough of a ninny to answer if he was busy being intimate with you.

I hope you all are able to keep finding new comfort levels with the explicit permission for being sexual though. Don't be afraid to ask to renegotiate the things that are bugging you, although if you do get to see each other for sex once a week, I am a bit confused about how he has to ask permission to have sex with you, and can't if he hasn't asked, since it's a set sex date night?

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