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-   -   Intentional vs. Natural Connection (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12176)

Hades36 07-14-2011 02:25 AM

Intentional vs. Natural Connection
I keep feeling like, for my wife and I to go looking for other poly people to connect to, is somehow disingenuous. I mean, for both of us, all of our romantic connections have always started from the most accidental and NON romantic situations with people that we usually had no real interest in at the beginning. Isn't going on a website like Polymatchmaker or trolling for other poly people sort of like a guy or girl deciding they want an intimate connection with someone and going to a local bar? I've always been a believer in the idea that you will NOT meet Mr or Mrs Right in a bar or night club, but in a bookstore while you're both reaching for the same beloved novel, or in a laundromat as you're both fighting over who needs the last available dryer more, or just after you both smashed into each others cars at a busy intersection. Love has always happened by accident for me (at least accidental in that I was not aware, at the time, of all the synchronous occurrences that made it possible) and, I think, for most people.

I mean, are me and PLove really going to find people on OKC, or at The Pleasure Garden, or on Poly Meet-Up, who we can really build a healthy, long term relationship with? Is that doing it wrong? I mean, is being intentional about trying to find other people to connect to put too much pressure and expectation on the entire situation? But, then, how else to poly people looking for other poly people find each other, connect, and build tribes?


idealist 07-14-2011 03:08 AM

Thanks for sharing!! I would say that your own limiting beliefs will be what will block you from meeting someone on a dating site or a meet-up. Look around you....don't you know any couples who are in a long term relationship which began online? Just because all of your relationships happened a certain way, doesn't mean another way is not possible. I would suggest you open your mind up a bit!! Good luck!!

redpepper 07-14-2011 05:00 AM

I met Mono on POF of all places. He was looking for a hook up, we got talking about my very open profile, he wasn't interested and was paranoid and then came back and said he couldn't stop looking at my picture and thought we should meet anyway, no hook up necessary (Although he was secretly hoping he would get laid anyway ;)).

I met Derby at a poly discussion group locally.

I met Leo on POF also. He is a swinger and we have a non-sexual relationship that is very loving, romantic and deep regardless.

Yup, anything is possible.

I suggest that if you want to meet like minded people that you create it for yourself. I would start a group or join a group of poly people in your area. The way to meet people is to go out there and meet them.... no attachment to romance, but just to get the ball rolling in terms of finding friends.

MonoVCPHG 07-14-2011 05:10 AM


Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 91728)
(Although he was secretly hoping he would get laid anyway ;)).

You practically jumped me! ;) Besides..you had those sexy jeans on and were shaking it like Shakira :eek:

redpepper 07-14-2011 05:13 AM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 91732)
You practically jumped me! ;) Besides..you had those sexy jeans on and were shaking it like Shakira :eek:

Well ya, I was hoping too. After the respectful process I had laid out for myself that is.... that took less than a week no? Ya, so didn't stick to my own boundaries! PN was not impressed! remember?

Anneintherain 07-14-2011 05:30 AM

I may have met my first husband when he bumped into me repeatedly at a dance club (because those things are common at 20), but I met my second husband on OkCupid. I also met the guy I am dating now on OKCupid (albeit after seeing him on fetlife and recognizing him from my matches, who knows if that would have happened if I hadn't taken the effort to reach out). My husband generally finds dates through OKCupid because the chance he is going to run into some random person other that at work whom he can become enamoured with is small, let alone somebody who is open to poly (and we don't date people who are think they will just "give an open relationship a shot")

Meeting people randomly is great, but that is if you are generally outgoing. With website tools that help you find and learn about people you might not ever run into, what is wrong with taking advantage? Besides, love/lust at first sight is really uncommon for me (once every few years), so how many other people might you click with that you didn't get a chance to because you knew nothing about them during a chance encounter and weren't struck by chemistry that moment? My husband is very social, I am somewhat introverted, so some of the things like big poly events aren't as great for me to go to at least.

You can always use them as an opportunity to meet like-minded friends, hobby partners, adventure partners. You don't HAVE to be searching for relationships, which is what is so great.

Hades36 07-14-2011 09:40 AM

Thanks, but what is POF?

transitapparent 07-14-2011 09:46 AM

plenty of fish

PLove 07-14-2011 11:16 AM

I think that the point Hades was trying to make is not WHERE we meet people, but the intentionality of it.

In our experience, when you are saying "OH--I want to meet someone," it has rarely worked out that we meet a person with whom we really connect. It's only when we are just living our lives and doing our thing that we've tended to somehow stumble across the person with whom we feel a connection.

So what Hades is getting at is if you are intentionally seeking a partner does that tend to work out or is it more something that happens?

Magdlyn 07-14-2011 11:36 AM

Like others here, I met my gf on OKC. We clicked immediately and have been together for 2 1/2 years.

Since gf is of a younger generation (age 33), brought up on the internet, and very alternative in her makeup and tastes (transgender, pagan, pansexual, kinky, handicapped), and since she is shy, she doesn't meet too many people just in day to day living that would be a good match with her. All of her relationships except for one (unsatisfying emotionally) in high school and one other since (her previous long term partner) were started online.

I also had limited places to find someone after being in a LTR for over 30 years. My vocations as a nanny and florist didn't bring me anyone who was available to date. I've never gone to a bar looking for a hookup.

However, through OKC, the gf and I have formed connections with the local irl poly/kinky/queer community and now do meet new people through the ones we originally met on OKC. No new romances though, just friends. I think when we go out as a couple, people tend to think we are not available, even if they know we are poly.

OKC has brought me a few lovers that turned into LTRs of a few months to 2 years duration. Nothing nearly approaching the intensity of the love I share with the gf though, which is frustrating.

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