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-   -   Ideals or Relationships..which comes first? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1217)

MonoVCPHG 11-21-2009 09:17 PM

Ideals or Relationships..which comes first?
 
I read a recent post by Nyz that got me thinking about a question that intrigues me.

Is living up to your ideals of poly more important than the relationships you have?


Iíll start ;
For me the ideals of monogamy are not more important than my relationship. Otherwise I wouldnít be here because although I love Redpepper monogamously, I am not in a monogamously structured relationship. Itís one sided. Therefore I value the relationship over the ideals.

Thoughts?

Ceoli 11-21-2009 09:25 PM

I'm not quite sure what you mean by ideals, but what is most important to me is that the relationships I have are healthy and nourishing. Whether that happens in a poly or mono context is really secondary to me. So any relationships I get into have to hold to those ideals of healthy communication and care for each other. However, I don't see those ideals in opposition with the relationships I get into, so there's no need for me to choose between the two.

constlady 11-21-2009 09:29 PM

For me, the relationship is always the most important, whatever form it may be.

However I will say that I've reached a point in my life where I'm highly unlikely to begin a relationship with someone who isn't either actively poly or very familiar and comfortable with the concept.

A few too many experiences with those who had never heard of the word, said "Oh, yeah, that sounds great!" but down the road (after of course, the love had grown deeply) it turned out not to be something they really could live with and I've rather sworn off non-poly folks in general.

I've also been around long enough to know "never say never" though.
Love often shows up in the unlikeliest of places.

redpepper 11-21-2009 09:37 PM

I am in the relationships I have because I want to experience the people I am with. I am certain that if I so desired I could find other people to have relationships with and be happy, but it's not so much the having as the development and achieving depth, trust, longevity and commitment. That makes for happiness and fulfillment beyond compare.

I have chosen the ones I love very carefully and strive to create these things with everything I have. I trust them entirely even though I have been hurt before and could be hurt again. It's very important to give it my all regardless of the title of monogamous or polyamorous. I don't subscribe to anything but what I feel and know about myself and those I am with. I subscribe to what I have created for myself and create with the ones I love. there are no definitions for that.

MonoVCPHG 11-21-2009 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 12567)
I'm not quite sure what you mean by ideals, but what is most important to me is that the relationships I have are healthy and nourishing. Whether that happens in a poly or mono context is really secondary to me. So any relationships I get into have to hold to those ideals of healthy communication and care for each other. However, I don't see those ideals in opposition with the relationships I get into, so there's no need for me to choose between the two.

This is awesome Ceoli!..I'm starting to understand the fluidity of your relationships. I take this as meaning you could be in a monogamous relationship but could never actually be mongamous in a traditional sense because if a new experience comes along you want to embrace it. Your relationship would naturaly transform into a poly one.

Here's a quote from Ladyjools that also got me thinking about this thread as well

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyjools (Post 11343)
i think sometimes i am more commited to my poly lifestyle than i am to any of my partners, so right now at this time in my life i am poly and not just in love with more than one person, i choose to go out, date and meet new people,


MonoVCPHG 11-21-2009 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 12571)
I subscribe to what I have created for myself and create with the ones I love. there are no definitions for that.

Nicely put, Lilo :D I'm starting to sense a bigger trend that people find connections and then, if needed, the labels follow for the sake of cummunication. I think people run into problems by picking a label and trying to meet the "criteria" it has.

Ceoli 11-21-2009 09:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 12573)
This is awesome Ceoli!..I'm starting to understand the fluidity of your relationships. I take this as meaning you could be in a monogamous relationship but could never actually be mongamous in a traditional sense because if a new experience comes along you want to embrace it. Your relationship would naturaly transform into a poly one.

Yeah, that's pretty close! Though I want to stress that I don't think of it as looking over my partner's shoulder for the new thing to come along, but rather being open to whatever gifts may come my way. And it would be important to me to nourish the relationship I have, not drag it into something poly. I would want to be with partners who are open to that natural transformation should it happen. Does that make sense?

MonoVCPHG 11-21-2009 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 12575)
Yeah, that's pretty close! Though I want to stress that I don't think of it as looking over my partner's shoulder for the new thing to come along, but rather being open to whatever gifts may come my way. And it would be important to me to nourish the relationship I have, not drag it into something poly. I would want to be with partners who are open to that natural transformation should it happen. Does that make sense?

That totally does :)

WaywardDruid 11-21-2009 11:44 PM

??
 
The chicken.
No the Egg.
The chicken.
No the Egg.

What were we talking about?

Just Me,
Tim

BexyandBen 11-22-2009 12:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WaywardDruid
The chicken.
No the Egg.
The chicken.
No the Egg.

What were we talking about?

Sounds like breakfast to us! :)


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