Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   SOS. Please Help! Primary is Freaking Out! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12160)

RunBabyRun 07-13-2011 03:04 PM

SOS. Please Help! Primary is Freaking Out!
 
OK, so quick background....my husband, IDRider47 and I opened our marriage a month ago. It was a good, well thought out and talked through decision but the idea was mine. Iíve been thinking about this for months now (see our blog posts if you want more info). I had someone in mind; he didnít have anyone at that point.

So, my relationship with E (my now boyfriend) has progressed to the point where we slept together for the first time a few days ago. Rider is freaking out. Heís had several meltdowns over the past 2 weeks and I have to admit some of them where not helped by my NRE insensitivity. Rider is seriously considering wanting to close the marriage.

I had originally said that if it wasnít working for one of us then we would close it. He had originally said that he didnít think we could unring the bell and that he believed I needed this, where he was content to be mono but poly opened up some interesting opportunities for him.

I love Rider SO much but unfortunately, he was right. I need this. E is not an experiment, he is a real person and I care for him very much. Rider is trying very hard to say and do the ďrightĒ things and be poly minded but he is suffering miserably. Everything in his life sucks right now (except our sex life). He canít sleep, etc...heís going under.

Rider has talked about closing the marriage, finding a way to survive him being mono and me being poly (this option doesnít seem to offer relief to his suffering) or ending the marriage. This frightens me. Why end the marriage? Why canít he believe and accept that I love him and that I want to be married to him? Why does it have to be all or nothing? He asks me why I couldnít have just been content with our very good marriage....he asks why I canít be now.....

We did have a very good marriage. The only thing he wanted was more sex. Our sex life was always good but he wanted more. Now we have sex 1-4 times a day and heís totally sexually fulfilled. So, I ask again.....why canít he accept that I love and want to be with him and bask in the sex? Nothing has changed between us. I still love him just as much. I still want to be married to him just as much AND weíre having the frequency of sex he wants. The only change is that I have E on the side who I can crash around in the mountains with and who I enjoy having sex with. Donít get me wrong, E and I are more than FWB but the point is, E takes nothing from Rider except the occasional times when we will want to do things when I would normally have been with Rider.

Rider cannot be everything I need even if I could be everything he needs. I like to crash around in the woods, sweat and be really active; itís not him. It is E. Why canít he love me enough to let me have that and be confident enough in my love for him that he can freely give me some time with E.
Rider is really struggling and says Iím being insensitive to him by spending time with E. Rider wants me to choose to stay with him instead since heís suffering. I told Rider that I was planning to go hiking with E today while he was at work and then I get a text from Rider saying that heís coming home from work early because he just canít handle all of this. I had already made plans with E. Now I have to be in the position again of denying myself the time I want and need to nurture this very new relationship and have to cancel on E OR go do what I was planning and want to do with E.

Hereís my dilemma- I need this open marriage thing. Is it selfish? What can I do to help Rider? I have recommended FreeTimeís thread to him because FreeTime suffered so much in a similar situation. I feel like itís just going to take time and Rider needs to breathe through it (yep, I know, sounds insensitive I know!). Itís only been 3 weeks since E and I started seeing each other and 2 of those weeks I was out of town. This is SOOOO new.

If every time Rider has a rough day I drop everything to come home or I stay home, he wonít be forced to overcome these hurdles. I want and need to help him but I donít want to prolong the pain. Iím at a loss and I just want the drama to end and for things to be settled.

Please help!!!!!

NeonKaos 07-13-2011 03:41 PM

Um, how do you have time to have sex 1-4 times a day? Don't you work? Do you do other things such as eat sleep and bathe? How long does the sex last each time? I always wonder when i hear people talk about getting "enough" sex. I think they must be getting it three or four times a year, then i find out they are doing it anywhere from 4 times a week to 4 times a day. That's a TON of sex for people who do other things besides have sex.

As far as your problem goes... I fixated on this "not enough sex" thing and now i have to finish reading the rest.

Chimera 07-13-2011 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeonKaos (Post 91636)
Um, how do you have time to have sex 1-4 times a day? Don't you work? Do you do other things such as eat sleep and bathe? How long does the sex last each time? I always wonder when i hear people talk about getting "enough" sex. I think they must be getting it three or four times a year, then i find out they are doing it anywhere from 4 times a week to 4 times a day. That's a TON of sex for people who do other things besides have sex.

As far as your problem goes... I fixated on this "not enough sex" thing and now i have to finish reading the rest.

Wow. That was also my most immediate take-away reading this. I was just having a conversation with my sweetie last night about sex frequency (he has gotten more involved with another woman recently) and new vs. established relationships. 1-4 times a day every day would not leave me fulfilled, it would leave me in pain!

On a more serious note, if this is what you need, it's valid to ask for it. I would say that since this is your first time and it's all very new, proceed slowly, carefully and also keep E in the loop. He needs to know how it's going. I would allow for times you might have to change plans in the beginning, but try to really hear whether it's critical or whether Rider is using it as an unconscious way to sabotage having to negotiate with you over your needs.

RobertCourage 07-13-2011 06:16 PM

I am in riders position
 
Hi. Not sure I can help but I can give you perspective. My wife is in a new relationship with T. The three of us have had sex together and it was great. They had sex alone several times and have now fallen in love. We have been married 19 years and she now wants both of us. I asked ifnshe would leave him and she said no. So the only way I can keep the love of my life is accept that I have to share her. I feel resentment at times and fear at others. I am freaking out often. In fact I had tong onto doctor today because of anxiety and my blood pressure was 180 over 100! So my advice is ton give rider time and support to process all of this. I am dying that my wife isn't hugging me, talking to me, etc all day long. Because right now I am vulnerable and scared and reassurance is so important. So I know it sucks that you have tomchange your plans. But it's a short term thing. The transition is hard and you need to take it at a pace that rider cam handle. Because the level of excitement you have relative to the NRE is the same level of fear he has a out this whole thing(at least for me that's true). And I do want this to work because it makes her happy. But wanting isn't enough. The pain is real. So please recognize that and give rider more love and attention than ever. It's the only way he will possibly arrive at the point of acceptance. At least that's my feelings right now.

Anneintherain 07-13-2011 06:35 PM

Well I don't think having sex 1-4 times a day is unreasonable at all. OK, I don't think I could do 3-4 a DAY but...

My take on this is yes you're being selfish. Not that people aren't entitled to, I do my share of it but - You have only been seeing E a few weeks. I am sure E understands that your primary relationship is very important, and that Rider is struggling, so hopefully he will be understanding if for now you sometimes have to change plans to put your husband first.

It isn't fun to dial it back at first, but if you want Rider to feel important to you (and not feel more strongly that the marriage needs to be closed/or your relationship end) you will do that by SHOWING him with your actions. Having patience now will serve you very well in the long run.

"If every time Rider has a rough day I drop everything to come home or I stay home, he won’t be forced to overcome these hurdles. I want and need to help him but I don’t want to prolong the pain. I’m at a loss and I just want the drama to end and for things to be settled."

Ok, that is mean. Maybe you are just venting, but if that's how you feel, do you think he can't tell how pissy and impatient you feel towards him? How is that going to make him feel secure and safe in your marriage? It's better to focus on feeling gifted that he is trying to work on these feelings and the other things he does for you.

If you were in his place I am sure you'd like to be treated more lovingly than that statement there implies you might be treating him. Sadly lots of couples in the position you are can struggle months with this, so if you think he's just going to get over it already, you're probably in for a lot drama, but I think you need to realize that you're responsible for your share of it.

I don't know the whole back story or anything, so if I've made assumptions about anything I apologize in advance.

SNeacail 07-13-2011 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RunBabyRun (Post 91627)
OK, so quick background....my husband, IDRider47 and I opened our marriage a month ago. It was a good, well thought out and talked through decision but the idea was mine. Iíve been thinking about this for months now (see our blog posts if you want more info). I had someone in mind; he didnít have anyone at that point.

You have only been at this a month and you have already had sex with the bf. Well, DUH of course Rider is going to have issues, it's only been a month. Slow the fuck down. That might mean only seeing the bf once a week and no overnights for a while (more than a month) or something a lot less than you are doing now. I've read your other posts and Rider's post and my impressions of your actions and this post is that you are charging up the trail at full speed while your hiking partner is abandoned a mile back suffering from muscle cramps and dehydration. I see your apparent unwillingness to slow down and even take a step back if needed as completely selfish and insensitive.

Snowdancer 07-13-2011 07:46 PM

I am glad I am reading your post today. My girlfriend just agreed to having an open relationship and she is already freaking out. I think all we can do is to love them more, be patient and go at a pace they can handle.

Minxxa 07-13-2011 08:12 PM

I think that when one partner is in NRE they can very easily start taking their partner for granted in order to get what they want. Mostly, I think it's just easier not to see it because they are caught up in a whirlwind of infatuation.

Being a partner NOT in NRE... it can feel like your partner doesn't care at all about your feelings because they are not willing to make any changes at all. And speaking as someone who has been that partner... sometimes you know something mentally and intellectually, and yet something happens that hits you emotionally and you need TIME to deal with it. If your partner doesn't want to give you that time... it can put you in a panic that you are losing them, that they no longer care about your feelings enough to put you first sometimes, and that no matter what you think say or do they are going to do whatever they want damn the consequences.

As others have said, it's only been a month. Yes you WANT to move fast, but are you willing to lose your primary relationship to do that? You really need to take a step back, talk to the BF and explain that your partner needs some slow down time and back up a step. Give Rider time to think and process, and... if I say so myself... having a partner that sees your distress and dials things back and helps you work through it is IMMENSELY helpful. It makes you feel like they love you enough to listen and take care of you and help you through things. It makes it easier to not feel like you're losing everything. It makes it easier to work through things quicker. It's a gift. And like any relationship, you have to give as well-- you can't just receive.

RunBabyRun 07-14-2011 04:00 AM

Got the message loud and clear! Thank you all!!!
 
Thank you all for your comments. One of the things I love about this forum and its members is that no one pulls any punches. I knew Iíd get good comments and that if I was wrong youíd all tell me to pull my head out of my ass....well, I hope you heard the big popping sound....head extracted successfully- thank you all very much!

I had a good talk with E today and then read these comments and talked to Rider when I got home. E is very understanding and sympathetic to Rider and I heard you all loud and clear- slow down!!!

Rider and I are about to write down a few boundaries that apply for a short time while he gets comfortable with this whole thing. Iím sure you all can see that heís an amazing person and Iíd like to say for the record that I am extremely lucky to be married to a man who is willing to work with me through the pain, pain Iíve inflicted upon him.

You are all awesome! Thank you for your criticism, advice, wisdom, and compassion. :)

NeonKaos, you made us laugh! Weíve been on vacation for the past two weeks so no, we havenít been working or going to school or anything. Itís actually pretty easy to do...morning sex, breakfast, shower, after shower sex, lunch, nap, groggy afternoon sex, dinner, sex. Bang, 4 times! If we averaged about an hour per session that left us plenty of time in the day to fight with family members at our reunion/vacation. See, easy peezy. :p

Chimera, the trick is lots of lube. I guess itís like anything, you build up a tolerance. ;)

Take care all and thanks for turning a really shitty day in a really productive day and one that even included some humor.

redpepper 07-14-2011 05:10 AM

I would slow it down a bit at this point.... you seem to be barreling though getting right to the fucking and not taking a breath and looking around to see how everyone is doing. Rome was not built in a day and poly needs a foundation of respectful boundaries, controlled NRE, honest communication with yourself first and then others and tons of consideration.... asking all the questions you do about why, why, why, just sounds whiney and selfish. You might want to check that out with yourself and see if you can be a bit more considerate to the man who is struggling to be okay with this.... it isn't him in the new relationship full of NRE, its you. Watching that and experiencing that can be torturous for a partner. Respect that and be considerate of his pace and feelings.


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:28 PM.