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-   -   How to ask his wife? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12145)

dani11 07-13-2011 06:08 AM

How to ask his wife?
 
It has been several years since I have visited these forums, I always lurked, never joined. I read some good things, and have once again! Now I need some advice, and I hope the good people here can help.

Hubby and I have an open marriage, and have for some time (it is easier than explaining poly which we actually are) We have been married for 11 years together for 12. Opened the marriage 8-9 years ago. We have guidelines and all of that. His friends have known for the same amount of time. Though he has had a couple of short term girl-friends (it did not work out when they met me?) I have never had any sexual or emotional relationships.

Recently I found out his best friend wants to have a sexual relationship with me. This threw me for a loop because I have known hubby's friend for the same amount of time as hubby, we have always flirted and joked around with each other, but silly me I did not know he was serious! A couple of months ago he said he and his wife had decided to have an open marriage. Then he started hitting on me hot and heavy, that was when hubby informed me that his best friend was serious and had been attracted to me for almost as long as he had known me!

I am not totally against the idea, but some things worry me. This is his 3rd marriage, he has never cheated on any of them, and the other 2 did not go for his open marriage idea. He has only been married to this last one for about 2 years. I do not know her very well. I have only actually met her a hand full of times (the last 1 1/2 years have mostly kept in touch through facebook) The last 2 times I have met her, (once before I found out he wanted to have sex with me-and once after) she has said very little to me, picked a fight with best friend (her hubby) and took off to her room. (That is problem #1, I don't think she is totally on board with his idea, or maybe just for her as he keeps mentioning the guy she wants to see)

#2 He uses several words interchangeably-open marriage, swinging, swapping partners, girl friends, boy friends, dating. I am not totally sure how they want to go? Or what they have in mind?

#3 I don't want this to in anyway cause problems between hubby and best friend, or me and best friend. I don't really know his wife that well, so I cant say it would destroy our friendship, I don't want it to cause problems between best friend and his wife. (hubby is all for the idea, said he had been hinting around about it for years too-so it would not really cause problems with them unless things went horribly wrong!)

#4 Hubby says the best course of action is to get the wife alone and talk to her. I tend to agree with this, but am really not sure how to go about bringing it up? I also tend to believe what people tell me, so if she says 'fine' and I take it as 'fine'-then she really might not mean that! I would not know where to start or how much I could take at face value?

#5 Hubby and I have ground rules. I think it works better if you tend to have some. (Open, honest communication. Both having to agree. Etc) Could I ask about their rules? What if they don't have any?

Sorry this is so long, but I have been thinking about this for weeks now, and have no idea how to proceed. Any advice will be welcome!

sagency 07-13-2011 06:31 AM

I can see why you'd wonder if your understanding of things matches hers. Have you had any indication from her that she's ok with you and best friend being together?

One person you might talk to about who to approach best friend's wife would be best friend. I didn't see any part of your story that mentioned talking to him. Whether you talk to him with or without hubby is up to you, but you may get a better read one way or the other.

dani11 07-13-2011 06:18 PM

Asking the best friend
 
The reason not to ask the best friend would be, I know how he feels about it. If she says she is fine with it, he would take it at face value, just because it is what he wants. He has always been a pretty impulsive person, and somewhat self-destructive in the relationship department.

My Hubby said to wait a couple of days until he is off-then hubby will go and talk to her alone. He is fairly good at reading people (for the most part) He also does not settle for 'Fine'.

TruckerPete 07-13-2011 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dani11 (Post 91660)
The reason not to ask the best friend would be, I know how he feels about it. If she says she is fine with it, he would take it at face value, just because it is what he wants. He has always been a pretty impulsive person, and somewhat self-destructive in the relationship department.

My Hubby said to wait a couple of days until he is off-then hubby will go and talk to her alone. He is fairly good at reading people (for the most part) He also does not settle for 'Fine'.

These things will go much smoother if you can also learn to communicate directly with the person you need to talk to. Think about it right now ... your husband is going to talk to his best friend's wife about you getting involved with her husband ... That's getting to be a messy game of telephone!

I know that if someone who wanted to be with one of my partners sent their partner over to talk to me, I'd wonder why they weren't doing their own dirty work, as it were. I would certainly feel less inclined to trust them, because they have now shown an unwillingness or inability to communicate directly with me. (Remember, she doesn't know your motivations for having hubby talk to her.)

Half of poly is multiple ethical romantic relationships. The other half is really awkward conversations. :D

sagency 07-14-2011 12:04 AM

Dani11's idea might be a reasonable start. If the best friend's wife is unsure, hearing from the husband that it's okay with him might help her see that they're being open, and it might reassure her that spouses can accept such things.

TruckerPete 07-14-2011 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sagency (Post 91706)
Dani11's idea might be a reasonable start. If the best friend's wife is unsure, hearing from the husband that it's okay with him might help her see that they're being open, and it might reassure her that spouses can accept such things.

True, if it's to get the ball rolling or talk about things from his perspective, but I had the impression from her post where she said that he wouldn't settle for 'fine' (sorry, multiquote is a pain in the ass on my phone) that he was actually ferreting out the wife's feelings for her.

sagency 07-14-2011 12:58 AM

TP, I read it as her hubby would open the conversation and get a feel for things. You are correct that the ladies should chat at some point sooner rather than later.

redpepper 07-14-2011 04:53 AM

I'm thinking that if this were me I would invite them all over for a night of togetherness where I would bring up, "hey, he says he wants to get to know me better... what do you all say to that?" and see what happens. If anyone leaves the room due to not being able to talk about it, I would put everything on hold... If, when asked, he and she don't have the faintest idea of what they actually want, then I would put it all on hold until they figure it out. If she blows up and storms out,,,, on hold. If they say, "ya, he wants to get to know you better and here is how and what we have talked about, what do you think?" Then its time to talk about boundaries and set up some time to go on an actual date.... time to see where it might go and whether or not that is going to work.

Anneintherain 07-14-2011 05:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 91681)
Half of poly is multiple ethical romantic relationships. The other half is really awkward conversations. :D

That is priceless.

GroundedSpirit 07-14-2011 01:19 PM

Hey Dani,

Well, one thing's for certain, the old philosophy hasn't changed here by using new labels (poly etc). The risk is STILL there to affect the friendships just because if things turn ugly your hubbys friend may be forced into a position that he has to 'choose' - wife or best friend. So it's good to keep that on the horizon and decide if the risk is worth the potential gain (possible relationship).

Now.........if it were me, I'd also want to get more info direct from the horse's mouth (her). You might arrange a meeting with her on any acceptable need (shopping, lunch etc) and just open with........

"Oh - hubby tells me you guys decided to open your marriage too !. We've been open for years and find it helps our own relationship a lot ! "

From there you could ask about what THEIR guidelines are (so far) such as are existing friends excluded because of possible complications. If she's not sure (haven't come to that topic yet) you can use yourself as an 'example' - i.e. "what if your hubby wanted to hook up with me ???"

You should be able to get a lot of feedback from such a conversation. Things can proceed (or not) accordingly.

GS


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