confused and kinda scared.
I'm not one for telling long story's so to make it short, I moved in with a friend of about a year, her and her BF. she was in a Poly relationship with a him and another person via long distance. Both her BF and the other guy turned out to be lying.. well I don't think I can say the things I want to here, but you get the point. I went down to live with her in order to get on my feet in another state. but as time went on we fell for each other and she left the two others to be with me, it's not what I asked, it's what she wanted.
We live together now and we are happy, but I'm a mono, willing to at least try to be poly but I don't know where to start. yes I am afraid, I don't know what to expect. we have talked about it and set up some "rules"
if you need more info feel free to ask.
have any ideas that could help?
Wanted to say...
Things will come whether or not you are prepared. It all depends on whether or not you are willing to accept the outcomes that will be arriving. People are going to do what they want regardless of what you do, except killing them. Yes, this includes me, but the importance of realizing that fact will help. You already know that if I wind up falling for someone that is not within our middle ground, it would be painful but I would be willing to do it for you to feel comfortable with being in a relationship with me<3
Hope this helps ^ - -^
I would suggest reading some poly books. A big part is coming to terms with feelings and situations you may not have encountered before.
One approach is to imagine a lot of situations and swap things in and out of that situation to see how you would feel. Foe example, imagine if she came home and said she was attracted to a guy she knows. See how you feel. Then swap it out. Imagine if you had said you saw a girl you were attracted to? Or imagine if she said she saw a girl she was attracted to? Or imagine if she saw a TV star she was attracted to?
Try to vary the situation to see where your comfort zones are and then you can try to understand them. Over time, some uncomfortable situations may not be so uncomfortable as you get use to it and trust grows.
The biggest area to focus on in the beginning is communication. Try to take some things slow so both sides can adapt.
Good to voice your fears but desire to explore something new & different (for you). It's how we grow - right ?
In traveling this path you'll end up dealing with several elements of human nature including emotional, physical and sexual. Each of them will require sacrifice on everyone's part - in the hopes of a net positive gain for everyone.
Contrary to what some believe, the sexual part you may find to be the easiest to conquer. That's been our experience anyway.
The emotional will require developing extremely good communication skills. Never a bad thing anyway - right ? Lay EVERYTHING out on the table ! Even what might seem insignificant at first. Talk as much, and for as long, as possible to try to feel secure that everyone clearly understands where everyone elses' fears and insecurities lie. Try to work as a team to build caring, awareness & security for everyone.
The physical is a toughie and can often reflect back to the emotional piece. Accept the fact that nobody can be in two places at once. Some sacrifices will have to be made here. Whatever final form (triad, V, quad, quint etc) you end up finding yourself in, you'll likely end up in a situation where everyone can't be doing things with everyone else ALL the time. It's just not possible. Be ready to deal with the almost inevitable fact of someone feeling slighted or left out. Talk right off - in the very beginning - about the reality of that and start formulating plans on how you will handle it lovingly TOGETHER ! Communicate, communicate, communicate !
Did we mention "communicate" ? <grin>
Best wishes to you and we hope your experience offers valuable life lessons and ends you up in a happy and fulfilled place.
Don't forget that if you are really mono that it's okay and that you can say that and opt out of the poly thing. Just cause everyone around you is doing it, doesn't mean that you have to. Good for you trying it out in terms of thinking about it and trying to put yourself into a mind frame of what it would be like though...
Do lots of reading on here and ask lots of questions if you can't find what you are looking for. We are all here to help as you go along.
Mono gave us a book suggestion-that was JUST AWESOME. I am poly, hubby had always been Mono.
I read the book and felt SO much better about myself.
He's reading it and learning so much about me AND himself!!
"Love Without Limits"
go find it-and read it!!!!!!!!!!
Read it together if you can. It's well worth the read.
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