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-   -   He chose me over poly- how do I help him move on? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=12067)

Topazia 07-11-2011 04:42 PM

He chose me over poly- how do I help him move on?
 
Hello all,

It's me from the "My BF won't let me go" thread. Well...he has been moved in 2 weeks and this weekend realised he can't handle poly. He had to make a choice. He has chosen me. But he doesn't feel he had a reason to dump her other than she shouted at him on the phone and demanded an answer which made him snap and say fine i end it with you.

He had a D/s relationship with her and has been talking all day how he has lost his sub...i have been trying to give him space..doing what I would do for a friend..made him lunch, did his washing, gave a hu, left him be ...i didn't say anything when he didn't sleep in my bed...but i told him i don't want to lose him and he said he doesn't know if he isn't going to push me away and hates me a bit for this.

So what can I do to help him? He is going round hers later to have a "closure" talk. I have tried to talk to him like I would a friend..saying if he dwells on what he has lost he will ruin the relationships he HAS got etc..

I don't feel happy or gloaty I have "won" because it doesn't feel like that. I'm scared watching him push me away will be more hurtful...just wondered if anyone had been poly and realised they took on too much and how they stayed with one partner after?

Thanks in advance..your answers on my other thread helped me tremendously, I mean it x

redpepper 07-11-2011 06:09 PM

Nothing really. Its not your relationship. Its his. Give him some "ahh's" and some "oh I knows," and listen to his tales of woah and wait. Lots of cuddles and kind gentle words might help. Really though, this is nothing to do with you.

sagency 07-12-2011 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Topazia (Post 91195)
...just wondered if anyone had been poly and realised they took on too much and how they stayed with one partner after?

Poly is a squirrelly beast that's hard to pin down. Have there been polys who became monos (de facto or fully)? Absolutely.

It we zoom out just a bit, the question is essentially "has someone realised they took on too much and moved on?" People get themselves into messy situations all the time. They drag themselves out, heal, and then make new mistakes. That's part of life and relationships.

Right now he's likely hurting, and RP's advice is wise. Pain makes the brain and heart go haywire. It sounds like you're on the right track by comforting him. Allow some space, and in time you can figure out what will work for you.


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