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-   -   Time Frame? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1200)

playfulgirl32217 11-18-2009 02:33 AM

Time Frame?
I'm just wondering what is the time frame on being comfortable with all of this. My partner and I (or former partner I guess I should say now) started out with just being able to sleep with other people since April. So about 7 months. We are swingers too since last January. Sex in front of me was never an issue but when I found out that he cheated on me in April I proposed an open relationship. I have battled with it ever since. About a month and a half ago he told me he wanted to open our relationship up to have actual emotional relationships with other people. Since then he has met three different girls and I've reacted badly to too.

Can someone help me please? I try to reassure myself and sometimes I can but I'm just wondering... Does this end? Is it just that I'm not poly and I'm trying to be OK with it for his sake? Can anyone tell me how long it took you to accept all of this??

LovingRadiance 11-18-2009 03:05 AM

Um, cheating changes the WHOLE dynamic. In order to have a "polyamory" (see multiple LOVES relationship) one must be able to LOVE one person first. Cheating is not loving.
If someone is cheating they aren't loving themselves-someone who loves themself is able to be honest and true about who they REALLY are. Cheating is in and of itself being dishonest and untrue about who you really are. If you can't love yourself-you can't possibly love someone else (which is necessary for a monogomous relationship) and if you can't do BOTH of those it's IMPOSSIBLE to truly love yet more people.

You need to address truth, honesty and realism in your relationship before you can even START to address trust and polyamory inthe relationship.
How long that takes depends entirely on how well you each handle that responsibility.

playfulgirl32217 11-18-2009 03:09 AM

well we didn't know about polyamory then or about open relationships. so the cheating part i understand. it was really hard to get past the issues with that. but i trust him and i know he's honest with me about everything. the trust/honesty part is really not what concerns me. the fear of loss/general feeling of uncomfortableness to the point of panicking when he's with someone else for no good reason is what i'm wondering when it goes away or how long it takes to get past them.

is this normal to feel this way? how long did it take you to become comfortable with your partners being poly?

LovingRadiance 11-18-2009 03:26 AM

Neither of my partners are poly. I am and they are only JUST getting into it. I didn't "come out" until September 25th about being poly. AND I cheated-which is exactly why I brought that up.

As for the others stuff-communication isn't what the average person thinks it is-it'smuch more complicated.
There is a thread on that... I think on the general forum and there is a post from Ceoli this week that pertains to your question as well. So if you do a search for posts by Ceoli in the last week-you can find a link on dealing with poly... the info is on... xeromag.com I am pretty sure. GREAT info there on dealing with this stuff and also on lovemore.com.

It can go fast-or really slow or never all depending on your willingness (and his/hers) to really go deep in yourself and find the TRUE issues that cause your jealousies and insecurities.

Also-do a search for posts by Mono, Maca, Lovingradiance. You'll find a lot of current helpful details in that as well. Gets tiring to rewrite (and less clear) but there are discussions on exactly this-so do the search. I'll see if I can find the communication one and link it... give me 5 min...

LovingRadiance 11-18-2009 03:31 AM

communication info great thread

start here! Great info. Let me know if you have questions-I take private messages from anyone-all the time!

LovingRadiance 11-18-2009 03:46 AM

Bad Poly

Another great thread-it's more about bad poly/good poly behavior-but it does pertain to some of what you asked.

LovingRadiance 11-18-2009 03:50 AM

Another good one

10 realistic rules for good poly relationships. Like I said-lots of good helpful info in here.

LovingRadiance 11-18-2009 03:54 AM

Two Threads by Maca


Maca is struggling a LOT with our newly poly-relationship. We've been married 10 years, together 11 and my affair was with my current boyfriend-GreenGecko. Long story-well covered again between my early posts and Maca's.

Let me know if you have other questions! ;)

Ceoli 11-18-2009 07:08 AM

I propose that LR officially be appointed this website's reference librarian.

NeonKaos 11-18-2009 01:23 PM

I propose (redux) that if someone manages to find this site, they should also have no problems finding information CONTAINED on this site.

I have been told that I overestimate people in regard to this, yet I continue to maintain the validity of the above statement.

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