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-   -   First Times (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11945)

KharmaCanuck 07-08-2011 04:34 AM

First Times
 
I learn best, and am most comfortable - in any situation - if I have some vague notion what to expect. My fiancee (and the one who introduced me to this idea) has been very supportive in sharing her thoughts and feelings on the subject.

But I'd like to hear about others experiences with polyamory. Did you go looking, fall into it by circumstance, or were you introduced. How did the first time go? Were there pre-event butterflys? Did your partner show/share jealousy or some other emotion? Are there things you'd do different? What pit-falls could us noobs easily avoid if we had your experience?

Thanks in advance... I look forward to hearing your stories.

ray 07-08-2011 04:56 AM

Hi there!

I sort of fell into it. An engaged friend of mine initiated a relationship with me. It turned out to be fairly unhealthy and ended pretty miserably. Some red flags...

Not properly communicating desires/limits with each other
Placing excessive rules on outside relationships
Attempting to isolate a partner
People not willing to meet you halfway
Partners who give you none or very little power in the decisionmaking of your relationship
Metamours who don't welcome you
metamours who refuse to work through their own problems
People not wanting to give your relationship a label even after being together for months
Highly closeted folks

There are plenty more. Not all apply equally to everyone. There are plenty of good things too. Just tread carefully.

KharmaCanuck 07-08-2011 05:00 AM

Sorry. The water streaming down my back is from the wet still behind my ears. What's Metamours?

ray 07-08-2011 05:19 AM

Whoops, sorry

A metamour is your significant other's lover/spouse/partner. One with whom you are not romantically involved. It's an important relationship, nonetheless. There should be a thread around here with some acronyms and shit... Hmmm, check the stickies.

redpepper 07-08-2011 07:09 AM

try this sticky found at the top of the "new to polyamory" sectionWe had a thread about this before I think. I can't find it... not tagged I guess. I think I was thinking of this one actually How you changed when you opened to poly?

I came out as poly back when it was called non-monogamous around these here parts. I was a lesbian living with my then wife. We decided to open our relationship to other women and I found a man instead. We tried to live as a triad together and then as a vee, but she was mono and I wasn't and neither was my boyfriend, now husband. She moved on to other things and stayed very close to us both after some major work together.

Kommander 07-08-2011 07:21 AM

My first experience with multiple simultaneous loves (described in my blog thread) I just sort of fell into naturally. In my naivete, I thought I was alone in how I felt; that one could love more than one person at a time. As stupid as it seems now, I once the only alternatives to monogamy were polygamy and swinging. I was happy to learn that I'm not alone, and have never been happier about being wrong.

kits 07-08-2011 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ray (Post 90617)
Not properly communicating desires/limits with each other
Placing excessive rules on outside relationships
Attempting to isolate a partner
People not willing to meet you halfway
Partners who give you none or very little power in the decisionmaking of your relationship
Metamours who don't welcome you
metamours who refuse to work through their own problems
People not wanting to give your relationship a label even after being together for months
Highly closeted folks

That seems to be a useful list, for all types of relationships even. It must have been hard to have been launched into a situation with any of these problems on your first introduction to polyamory, but its hopeful to see you've come out of that quite well.

Seasnail 07-08-2011 02:22 PM

I knew about polyamory from friends, but my spouse encouraged us to try it in order to get his needs met.

What didn't work well: his desire to move quickly, and thus I missed out on time to really sort out what would work for me and what would not. This was frustrating for both of us, and was impeded by poor communication skills. Also, trust was somewhat lacking, because my spouse had had affairs in the past. We didn't agree on the boundaries very often and I rarely felt safe, especially in the beginning. I felt that I needed a lot of boundaries in order to know what to expect might happen. I also tried to place boundaries instead of asking for respect around specific needs. He would have prefered not to have any boundaries at all. I was often emotionally exhausted trying to cope with the amount of change constantly happening, and it made me much less articulate than I am capable of. I needed a lot of support, and didn't reach out as extensively as I might have. I was also not firm about getting my needs met, because I was afraid it might end our marriage.

What did work well: he was very supportive of my first experience with someone else. I think occasionally, he experienced some surprise at his feelings, but didn't display a lot of jealousy and seemed genuinely happy for me. Compounding this, although my lover was also inexperienced, my metamour was not, and she has been our friend for quite some time. There was a lot of trust already there. She supported us all in that particular transition. My lover and my metamour also had clear expectations and desires, making it easy to decide if I wanted to be part of their lives in that way or not.

What else worked well: helping choose my spouse's lovers, and having open communication with them. Not that I set him up on dates, but that when he expressed an interest in someone, I felt better about it if I were encouraging and aware of what was going on from the beginning. I once brought in one of his lovers from out of town for a surprise visit, and I really enjoyed meeting up with them later in the day and seeing how happy he was.

Good luck, and good for you for gathering information first.

Setxfamily 07-08-2011 07:27 PM

With our first and so far only real poly relationship we kind of just fell into it. We meet this fellow and before we even knew about the term polyamory we had formed a pretty solid triangle relationship. It lasted for about 4 to 5 years before the economy and our diffrent companies broke us up. Our partners company transfered him and he had to take the position or lose his job and we tried to keep it going but the costs of travel and just finding the time did not work out at all. We had a few jealousy issues and other things but we always talked them out and all went to bed happy.

Breathesgirl 07-08-2011 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ray (Post 90617)

Not properly communicating desires/limits with each other
Placing excessive rules on outside relationships
Attempting to isolate a partner
People not willing to meet you halfway
Partners who give you none or very little power in the decision making of your relationship
Metamours who don't welcome you
metamours who refuse to work through their own problems
People not wanting to give your relationship a label even after being together for months
Highly closeted folks

I would add unwilling to put you in touch with metamours as well as that could indicate lying and cheating.


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