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-   -   Any suggestions for a young newbie? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11935)

kits 07-08-2011 12:44 AM

Any suggestions for a young newbie?
Iím brand spanking new to the forum and polyamory so I thought I would reach out with some details and ask for a little advice.
The ability to be in love with two people at a time always seemed to be common sense to me. Moreover, I remember reading about polygamy and watching documentaries and thinking that without the religious aspect and with a little adjustment something similar to that dynamic could really work for me.

Last year I met a man and intended to have a friendship with him as he made it clear he was in a monogamous relationship. However, our relationship soon developed into love and we both acknowledged that. He told me ďIím in love with her, and you, but I donít believe in polygamy,Ē We needed to shut off all of those feelings. As if I could do that. Thatís when I began to seriously consider whether monogamy was a good choice for me, as I couldnít understand why someone would shut off such a strong connection as ours. I mean, I understand that it wasnít the right choice for him, but if I had been in his position I would not have been able to take the monogamous course as he did.

Just recently, I began a relationship with another man, and asked whether he would be okay with us both having romantic relationships with other people, but he said he would find the jealousy difficult to deal with. So, I feel as those I pressed those desires away. When our relationship didnít work out I wondered why I had repressed myself at all. I now feel ready to actually try this.

However, Iím rather young, 19, and am having some trouble finding people in my area open to polyamory. As well, because Iím not terribly sure of myself I worry about hurting people by deciding itís not for me. Through common sense and lurking among you here I think many would suggest that honesty and communication are the key, but do have any other advice for me? Or, suggestions as to how to find people?

cheescake712 07-08-2011 03:30 AM

Aww, Kits. I'll start by saying I don't really have much advice for you seeing as though I am extremely new to poly, but I just wanted to say that I can really identify and relate to your story.

I've always known that I was interested in both guys and girls, but I always felt like I should put those feelings towards girls away. I also always knew that I had a ton of love to give, and thought I could be in love with more than one person. It took me a while to understand it, and for a long time I felt like something was wrong with me. Like why did I have this wandering eye even though I was happy with whomever I was with?

I did have a brief and unsuccessful poly relationship where I was in love with four different people, and it opened my eyes to all the love and jealousy and happiness and insecurity that can come with this.

Now in my second poly relationship, I am dealing with more of this jealousy (my partners, not mine) but at the same time immense amount of love and happiness.

By no means can I say I am an expert, but I feel like this may just take time. The best and truly minimal advice I can give is be true to yourself, no matter what. Don't press your desires away.

Part of being young and 19 is trial and error in relationships. And a lot of broken hearts. So be ready for those. From these two experiences you have described, I'm sure you have felt the disappointment, but just keep your head up and keep looking for your happiness. It will come!

Okay, now I feel like I'm rambling and have probably talked too much about myself, but I could just relate to your story and wanted to help in the small way I could!

P.s. I love cheesecake too! I mean obviously...

redpepper 07-08-2011 06:20 AM

I suggest that you have a look at some tags and see what pops out for you. Seeing as you already know how important communication is, why not see what else is important by looking at the threads tagged "lessons" and "communication"

kits 07-08-2011 01:05 PM

Thanks, to the both of you.

And cheesecake, I understand what you mean about bisexuality also being pressed away, but I never really made the connection between the two funnily enough. But that does elucidate things a little, and being myself is certainly top of my list. Thanks.

You didn't talk too much about yourself at all, I found your advice quite useful.

And, cheesecake is just awesome. Cherry, chocolate, mocha, new york, ah, I'm hungry just thinking about it.

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