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-   -   Help me please. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11879)

floundering 07-06-2011 08:53 PM

Help me please.
Help me please.
I am on the verge of losing the best relationship of my life.
Background in a nutshell. I have been with my partner since 1996 we have children. Five years into our marriage our sexual connection faded. I waited 7 years and finally said that I did not want to live without sex and romance in my life. We have morphed into best friends, there is no sexual or romantic intimacy between us. I started dating my gf a few years ago and for a long time I was afraid to really stand up for us because I didn't want to push my partner so hard that she would separate. My gf felt neglected and was so sad all the time that she wanted to pursue another relationship. She has done so and although I have tried for a few months and many sleepless sick nights to be poly i don't think I am. I know I have a wife, but I am sexually and romantically monogamous. I have tried to set up a meeting with the new gf to see if that would help but she only will meet me if the gf is there. I wanted to meet her to see her as a person and not my imagined monster. I know i sound greedy and selfish but I have tried so hard to fight for our relationship and now have my co-parents full permission and acceptance. It feels like it is all being tossed for a woman she has known for a couple months. I don't know what to do, and i can't stop crying. please help

Tonberry 07-06-2011 09:18 PM

I don't know quite how to help you. If you really can't deal with her having other relationships, poly isn't an option.
However, maybe mono isn't an option for her. You should talk about it. I mean I know you say she said she'll be mono if it ends with the other person, but she might be saying that because, like you, she doesn't want to lose you. And she's hoping with time it will work better.
Or maybe she would be fine with a mono relationship but doesn't want to hurt the other woman, just like she told you.

What's the problem with meeting her with your girlfriend also being there? You could always do that first and talk about things and see if you have a better idea what to do. I'm not sure I understand what the problem is, maybe it's scary for your metamour to meet you alone and that's why she'd rather have your girlfriend here too, plus she's who you have in common after all.

I would suggest to try and arrange a meeting with the three of you and get to know your metamour. Then you can see a) if poly is still unthinkable, b) if she makes your gf happy and c) how committed and in love she is, if it's still a stage where she could take it or leave it.

Either way, you'd probably have a better idea after said meeting, whether it goes well or not.

redpepper 07-06-2011 09:40 PM

Knowing ones metamours makes a huge difference to the harmony of a tribe in my opinion. I think I would go out of my way to meet her as soon as possible and by any means possible. During the meeting I think I would express how I feel about it all and ask for in put around what boundaries they and you want to set. You don't have to agree right away, but agree to think about what they each suggest.

Likely the other two are just as anxious and concerned about the result as you. That means you can go into this with empathy and with the approach that they all have needs just as you do. Your gf has been waiting around for some time to be mono with you by the sounds of it. I think I would let her play this out and be their at the end of it or at least until its evident that this woman is a keeper to her. By that I mean about a year and long after the NRE after all.

It sounds like she might be mono too, or at least would prefer that, so I think I would be reassuring her all along that things have changed now and when she is ready, you will be waiting to be exclusively with her if that is what she wants. Thern wait.

As to sex? Its up to you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do and there is no protocol.

floundering 07-06-2011 09:41 PM

Thank you so much Tonberry. What I am trying/failing at doing is to follow a couple books that i bought on poly to try to deal. Most of what I have found is that people say it's best to meet the other gf on neutral ground away from the loved one so there can be no perceived, or imagined inequity in how she treats both of us. My biggest concern was trying to find some structure. I think that in my wanting to make her happy and not so bereft I said ok to something I had no idea would make me feel the way it does.
thanks again for responding, it is so nice to have someone hearing me.
thank you thank you

floundering 07-06-2011 09:45 PM

Thank you Redpepper! I told her that the most i feel i can do like this is a month. She's been seeing the woman for three months. Iwas hoping that if the meeting went well i could try for 6 months. A year sounds like being an abused wife at this point for me. Again, thank you thank you thank you.

opalescent 07-07-2011 03:01 AM

To clarify, it sounds like you may want to divorce your wife, remain co-parents, and develop a monogamous relationship with your girlfriend?

Are there reasons when the relationship with your girlfriend became more serious why this was not an option? While you are not in a sexual/romantic relationship with your wife, you can be considered non-monogamous because of the deep emotional connection parenting and being best friends have forged between you and your partner.

It would not be a bad idea to meet your girlfriend's interest but just meeting her is not likely to help. It sounds like you and your girlfriend have much to discuss about what each of you really want, and what that would look like, and how to get there.

What do you want? Do you know what she wants? On a deep level, beyond buzzwords like poly or monogamy, to what each of your hearts and minds truly wants from each other.

floundering 07-07-2011 06:27 PM

Thank you Opalescent. Divorce is not an option because no one wants it. I don't because I want my children to feel secure. My gf loves my family and loves my co-parent. She does not want to live with me and does not want me to be apart from my kids. We talked for a long time last night about my desire to meet her new gf. I have hope that it will help me see her as less of a threat and more human. She agreed that the two of us, new gf and me will meet before they see each other again, I greatly appreciate that because I hope that my physical and emotional reaction to them being together will be much more tolerable. I am truly romantically and sexually monogamous with my gf and my co-parent is 100% aware of this and is on board. Thanks again for your comment and I really appreciate how helpful all of you have been. I wish everyone that needed or wanted support knew of this resource. Thank you all! So much!

floundering 07-08-2011 03:23 PM

update shumupdate
Hello, I'm going to the funny farm! Or am already there. My gf and I went to her father's the other night, he is lifetime poly and we met with him and his partner. We sought out their advice and we came away after a lot of crying and processing with a solution to my problem of needing to meet the other woman. I have been hoping that by meeting the other woman I will at least be able to lessen the jealousy and angst when they are together. The other woman did not want to meet me and finally agreed. I wanted to meet alone and on neutral ground for the reasons that it would but us on an equal plane, we wouldn't be able to imagine that our gf treated either of us better than the other or any other imagined issues. The other woman, does not want to meet me but will if the gf is there. I stepped back from my need for it to be alone and neutral in hopes of moving forward. My need was for this meeting to happen before the two of them are together again so i don't go through another night vomiting and suffering from panic attacks. God knows if i didn't love my gf I would have bailed long ago. I don't want anyone hurt but I feel I have a right to stick to this request. I want to meet her before. The other woman is poised to break up with my gf over the demand. She says she feels manipulated. I don't know what to do. Part of me would be so freakin happy if she did break up with the gf because our plans are to go back and try monogamy if that relationship ends. The other part of me does not want my gf suffering and grieving the lose of that relationship. That relationship is a couple months old, gf and I are coming up on 2 years 8 months. I just can't lose her, i feel insane. I appreciate any help you can give me and I'm so sorry if i am a bore, i have nobody to talk to about this.

JameeDee 07-08-2011 04:32 PM

Be Strong
Hi babygirl. I know you feel crazy right now, because I have been there. Not EXACTLY there....but close.

I'm married and my hubby and I have recently fallen for Pinky. Although our situation is different from yours because I also have a relationship with Pinky, I totally understand the jealousy, panic, fear, all those terrible feelings.

All I can tell you is to be totally honest about your feelings for your gf, and your feelings about her gf. Why is it such a huge deal that your gf doesn't hurt this other girl's feelings? Seems to me this other girl is being difficult. AND she is hurting YOUR feelings. Doesn't your gf care how YOU feel in this situation?

Just my $0.02 ... you can only control how YOU feel. You cannot make anyone else love you, feel for you, or do for you.

Your number one job here is to take care of yourself. No one else will.

We love you, girl. Hang in there. :)

floundering 07-08-2011 05:01 PM

Thank you JameeDee, do you and anyone else for that matter think it will ruin the relationship if my hope continues to be that my gf and I get back together monogamously?
My gf knows that's what I want and she says that she will be mono if the other relationship does not last. Thank you so much for your time. I hope one day I will be able to help around here and not be an advice suck.
thank you so,

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