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-   -   Dating drama (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1185)

Derbylicious 11-14-2009 12:49 AM

Dating drama
 
So a few months ago my girlfriend and I had a discussion that we would make better friends than lovers as we aren't looking for the same thing. Up until this point things have been just fine. We hang out and have a good time together.

Being that we live in a pretty small town we were discussing dates that we had been on/were going on. As it turns out the woman that I had a coffee date lined up with for the next night had stood my friend up a few weeks earlier. I didn't think anything of it at the time and just took it as a warning that I might be stood up too. As it turns out she was really upset that I would consider even going out to meet someone who had stood her up. (I didn't know until less than 24 hours before my planned date).

I went out anyway but now I don't know how things stand with my friend. I don't want to lose this friendship but I also don't think she has any place to dictate who I chose to meet. As of this point I have no idea if the coffee date and I will even have another date. So what should I do to keep everyone as happy as possible?

-Derby

NeonKaos 11-14-2009 12:53 AM

Trust your feelings, Luke.

You want to get serious with someone who can't even make a phone call to break a date?

Derbylicious 11-14-2009 12:55 AM

Apparently there was a call to break the date but never any contact after that. And I'm nowhere near getting serious at this point anyway! :)

NeonKaos 11-14-2009 12:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 12024)
Apparently there was a call to break the date but never any contact after that. And I'm nowhere near getting serious at this point anyway! :)


Well I don't see any problem then. As long as there was a phone call, no one owes anyone further contact. In that case do what is best for YOU. Why should your ex have a say in who you date?

ETA: It's not called "being stood-up" if there's a phone call. It's called a "cancellation". Maybe I should put that in the Definitions for Legion thread :p

Fidelia 11-14-2009 01:40 PM

The issue is your ex-girlfriend's. Why did she feel upset? I don't know; perhaps she was transferring some of the feelings of rejection or frustration from the cancellation onto the current situation. That would be understandable, but not reasonable. What are you supposed to do, present all your potential dates to her for approval? She's your EX.

IMO, you don't owe your friend anything in this situation, but you may wish to talk it out with her and help her work through her issue. Some communication between her and the other lady might be really good for your friend, to help sort things out and clear the air.

In the future, you might want to spend less time talking about your love life with this friend.

redpepper 11-14-2009 11:17 PM

Coffee soon hey derb. And our meet this week. Chat then.

Derbylicious 11-16-2009 04:22 AM

So we had a chat and my ex said she needs space. I'm ok with that. If we can have a friendship that would be awesome and if not I think it might be for the best. Thank you everyone for your kind words getting me through this. If nothing else this has taught me what I need to look for in a future relationship.

-Derby

Ceoli 11-16-2009 04:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 12168)
If nothing else this has taught me what I need to look for in a future relationship.

Yay!!

This is why all relationships we have are a form of success regardless of their outcome. And isn't gaining more ability to find a good partner a great outcome?

AutumnalTone 11-16-2009 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 12022)
As it turns out she was really upset that I would consider even going out to meet someone who had stood her up. (I didn't know until less than 24 hours before my planned date).

I'd ask your friend why she thinks her dislike of this other person would create any obligation in you to behave in any specific fashion. This other person cancelled a date with your friend, sure--what's that got to do with you? Does she think you need her permission to date people? Why does she seem to have a problem with you deciding how you'll interact with others on your own? Why does she think she has some control over you?

Derbylicious 11-16-2009 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeventhCrow (Post 12197)
I'd ask your friend why she thinks her dislike of this other person would create any obligation in you to behave in any specific fashion. This other person cancelled a date with your friend, sure--what's that got to do with you? Does she think you need her permission to date people? Why does she seem to have a problem with you deciding how you'll interact with others on your own? Why does she think she has some control over you?

I don't have an answer for you. I was trying to work things out and talk with her to see if I was missing something in why she was feeling the way she is. All I could get her to tell me though was that she needed space. So space is what I will give her. She knows where I am if she comes to the place where she wants to have a friendship with me.

-Derby


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