Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Restless Heart snydrome:cause or effect? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11842)

dingedheart 07-05-2011 05:31 PM

Restless Heart snydrome:cause or effect?
If you been here for any length of time you see the same pattern or story. I myself have that exact same story. After a number of years ( ) fill in the blank in my case 15 yrs married 17-18 total .....a spouse says I think I'm poly ...I have these feelings for these other people and I LOVE YOU TO DEATH and that's not going to change but all my needs aren't being me so that's why I want to give this polyamory thing a try.

Well honey what needs are you talking about I'll try to help meet those ....you cant ...otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation. Well what am I doing wrong or not doing ....nothing and everything ....its not about you its about me ......What? I need this for me ....I know you feel threatened and confused but love is infinite and my ability love and to have sex with others has no impact on you at all. Wait back up.... did you just say have sex with others? Yes ....of coarse silly what did you think I we were talking about. I don't know....the room is spinning and my ears a ringing....I think I'm going to past out. (first aid break...glass of something)

So what you're saying is you have taken this relationship as far as you think it can go .... the new car smell is gone so its time to start looking for a new one.....well I wouldn't put it like that but yes we are on steady glide path that may lack a certain excitement. So you're saying I'm boring ?.....no ...no you are very interesting just not as much to me anymore.... it could be a growth issue...you should look at this as growth opportunity.

So how does this work ? ....well I thought of putting an ad on one of those on line dating sites. So to get those unspecific needs met your turning to the internet? Well duh.....what could be as exciting and easy all at the same time.

Well lets say you find someone and start dating ....how does that work ...time wise. Well ...we'll have to see. What does that mean? Well everyone's needs must be considered of coarse. If you add a relationship wont time from something else get cut. Not necessarily. .. Wait.... how often would you see this person ...well I did'nt want to mention this to later but it could be person(S)... plural ....and perhaps 1-3 three times a week. What time of day ...nights... I work silly. Isn't that when you and I are together with our kids? Yeah about that...you guys might see me a little less . What am I suppose do while your out fucking some other guy or as I just learned guys. First of all that's very vulgar not necessarily true....this is about love so I prefer to make love or have sex ...second we would be dating ...going to dinners ...movies...concerts, weekend get a ways, etc.... date stuff and that may or may not include passionate love making ..... so you may want to get a hobby or take a class to fill in your time ... or work on your own self development stuff ....which might make you less boring.....that sounded negative how bout it could make you more interesting.

I really don't see the benefit to me and the kids? Well ...A much happier /satisfied me. It simple if I'm happier everyone will be happier. Also I'll most likely feel sexier and that to could spill your way as well ...you lucky bastard. In most cases spouses feel closer after this ...... Can't you see its a win win for everyone. What? .... how does you spending free time having another relationship which includes sex going to make us closer ...less time... less attention ...focus divided... how does that make sense? Wow.. I can see you really need time to reflect and dig into that self growth stuff that we were talking about earlier....In the end I think you'll see that's going to be time well spent. And you may want to talk with a therapist as well ...help sort out your resistance to this...

I could go on but I'm running out of time this morning .....those who have gone down this road feel free to add dialog as it happened in your lives.

The question.... is restless heart syndrome the cause or the effect?

Do people find poly..... out of boredom, or narcissistic ...self entitlement or the idea of self discovery( I've always been this way) that occurs after years of mono relationships.

MonoVCPHG 07-05-2011 05:41 PM

Holy crap this whole post seems so real and so depressing. I don't know how people make the transition form mono/mono to mon/poly.

There's something very genuine in how you wrote this my friend...sad but very genuine. :(

Thanks for sharing this although it leaves me with a hollow feeling.

Take care

Vivien 07-05-2011 05:47 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 90174)
Holy crap this whole post seems so real and so depressing.

I agree, but I'm not sure if that's because the dialogue rings true for us, or because it rings true to the dialogue we have with ourselves as we're trying to overcome our shame at not following social rules about what love, fidelity, and commitment look like.

SNeacail 07-05-2011 06:12 PM

I'm speculating here, but I don't see someone in a healthy 15+ year mono marriage, just all of a sudden saying "I've always been this way", without past episodes of cheating involved. I have seen a few "I fell in love with a family friend, but I still love my spouse, now what do I do?" I think the key word here, when dealing with 15+ year marriages is healthy.

If you really look at this board and the relationship that are working, you will notice that only a small few see their OSO more than once a week, some not even that often. Those that do, are NOT in a new relationship and their OSO is more of an extention of their primary family. **Statements here assume, spouse, kids, bills, etc.**

Carma 07-05-2011 06:45 PM

Wow I hope my husband doesn't read this. :( It casts everything in the worst light -- I know I am playing spin doctor quite a lot with my mono husband, and it can be a real struggle to focus on the positives. But I'm not stupid -- I know he isn't thrilled, but is making the best of things.

Maybe what it comes down to is, some mono's can tolerate poly, and some just can't. Maybe the pain is just too much to bear, for some. I feel so terrible reading your pain, D. Thank you for sharing in such an honest way, though, because it keeps things in perspective for me. Sometimes (especially reading this!) I wish I were mono, but for now, I'm living polyamorously, for better or worse.

BrigidsDaughter 07-05-2011 11:06 PM

I feel your pain D, but I'd have to agree with SNeacail on this one, I don't see this happening alot in healthy long term marriages.

Runic Wolf and I have been together for 13 years and married for almost 11 and other than the first couple years of our relationship, we've either been open to the possibility of other partners or polyamarous (whether living mono or being in multiple relationships), though for 9 of those years I was more or less emotionally mono. I can't imagine the pain you must have felt to have a conversation like that seemingly out of the blue.

SourGirl 07-06-2011 03:49 AM


Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 90172)
If you been here for any length of time you see the same pattern or story. I myself have that exact same story...

Thanks my friend, for starting this discussion, it needs to be said. :)

As for it not happening in 'Healthy' marriages. You bet your hiney it does. I`ve bared witness to it from the close-friend side of things. No one is immune. Who gets to define healthy anyways ? Your version, or my version ? Everyone has weak moments, and goes off the path for awhile.

All it takes is the right ingredients of events, and long-forgotten feelings, ( If you havent dealt with NRE in 15+ yrs, you might be a wee bit rusty in recognizing it, or in handling it correctly.)

If you dont believe that, think of every story you have heard about someone who said ' I thought I was happy in my marriage, just coasting along,..then HE/SHE came along and rocked my world. I feel so aliveeeee with them....'

Marriage goes bust due to these new feelings. Spouse takes off with new flame. Only to have that go up in flames, and them regretting losing their long-term spouse.

So while those who are 'in the know' on NRE, and understand mid-lifing, and what signs to look for, ( and are able to recognize and dodge it,) there are many , many people who do not.
It happens in monogamy, it happens with poly too. People are looking for a new feeling, a new flavour, ..something they havent yet shared, beause they don`t understand it themself.

Sometimes its a new car, sometimes it`s travel , sometimes it's a fancy, new, romantic hobby.

SNeacail 07-06-2011 04:51 PM


Originally Posted by SourGirl (Post 90247)
As for it not happening in 'Healthy' marriages. You bet your hiney it does.

I was refering specifically to the senario of one spouse saying "I'm poly and have always been this way, and this is how things are going to be...". Just the whole one-sided ness of that type of statement doesn't sound like it comes from a healthy relationship to start with. There's no denying that even in healthy relationships thing can get turned upside down and ass backwards very quickly.

dingedheart 07-06-2011 06:31 PM


thanks for the comment ... if you don't know how people transition from mono/mono to mono/poly no one will.....but Restless Heart Syndrome isn't confined to the mono/poly dynamic. How many "polys" rotate in and out of relationships after the new car smell is gone.


I agree a long standing healthy marriage might not use the excuse of always being poly unless cheating was involved. Let instead say they question the theory of monogamy and embrace the new theory of non monogamy. Then use that as a position to softening hurt feeling and rejection the partner may have to get this new experience without throwing out their entire life. And replace I've felt like this forever to I've been feeling like this for a long time ( ) insert a number for years.


Thanks you for the comments ....Didn't things like what I posted get said in your house? How different was it. Do you have kids? I know I listen to the intellectual arguments but went along with it for the kids sake. Does your husband post here? RP and Sage would be a good resources on the number of people with this same story....if they still around. Freetime could jump in..... although he's in the newly converted column. Still he could share those initial talks.


Thanks ...Except the first couple of years.....why the first couple of years? What do you mean 9 yrs emotionally mono? ....a little pregnant comes to mind.


NO..... thank you for your kind comments. It has been an observation I've had for a while now. Just thought I'd run it up the flag pole ...forth of July and all.

Things and dialog I didn't have time to cover yesterday.


Carma 07-06-2011 08:32 PM


Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 90320)


Thanks you for the comments ....Didn't things like what I posted get said in your house? How different was it. Do you have kids? I know I listen to the intellectual arguments but went along with it for the kids sake. Does your husband post here?

YES these things have probably ALL been said in my house, or at least thought or felt or implied!!!!

I think most of it is the implied stuff that made me feel the sting. I would hate to think I was sending some of these messages to my husband, but I know damn well that I have, unintentionally. The pain he has endured makes me feel conflicting feelings -- one, awe and gratitude that he loves me so much he is willing to sacrifice for me, and two, terrible guilt that I have put him in the position to make that sacrifice. He is making the best of the situation and mostly it is because YES we do have kids.

My husband says he is usually ok with it intellectually but emotionally, he struggles a lot with it. We are both really into psychology and heady stuff, so some of the challenges of poly have been exciting, I guess, but mostly it has been very, very hard on him.

He has posted in the past but I don't think he comes here much anymore. I think he is reluctant to "embrace" poly and it's hard for him to hear the successes -- he is just hoping it will be over soon. Sometimes, so am I.

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:48 PM.