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-   -   People who matter and people who might (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1171)

Legion 11-10-2009 10:17 PM

People who matter and people who might
 
This is an extension of some thoughts going on in another thread.

The question, paraphrased is: How can one risk a current relationship with someone you truly deeply and really care about (Person A) for some new person you just met, hardly know and have next to no bond developed with (Person B)?

My answer is that quite simply, that my experiences with Person A have led me to believe it is worthwhile to pursue and entertain people I am attracted to. In at least the case with Person A, it has led to a satisfying series of interactions which I wouldn't change.

This is sort of the mentality that brought me to poly. I certainly DON'T want to throw away relationships with strong bonds that I've developed over years for some NRE with someone who is practically a stranger. But I DO want to find out if that stranger might be another "Person A". It's a reflection of my platonic life as well. I have a few good friends, some of whom are my siblings, some are past lovers, but they are all unique and in all of these relationships there was a time when we were unknown to each other.

The problem recently I've experienced is that I was with Nyx who agreed to try poly with me, but then anytime I started actually dating or interacting with someone romantically besides her we would have a meltdown, tears and hours of conversation to try and get to a stable place again. The stable place usually involving me also dropping any present or future plans I had of dating for a little while. A little while passing, another attempt to actually shift "mono" to "poly" and another break down or even break-up, the circle continued.

Thing is, Nyx is very important to me, but she doesn't see things the same way I do. We are not together now, but we hang out and I know we would like to find a way that works for us.

MonoVCPHG 11-10-2009 10:20 PM

I hope you do find a way, Legion. That would be my wish if me and Redpepper ever had to change as well.

Take care
Mono

redpepper 11-11-2009 09:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Legion (Post 11674)
The problem recently I've experienced is that I was with Nyx who agreed to try poly with me, but then anytime I started actually dating or interacting with someone romantically besides her we would have a meltdown, tears and hours of conversation to try and get to a stable place again. The stable place usually involving me also dropping any present or future plans I had of dating for a little while. A little while passing, another attempt to actually shift "mono" to "poly" and another break down or even break-up, the circle continued.

I would suggest that NYX is not poly and loves the idea of you so much that she is willing to forgo what she really needs in her life, which may just be a man that wants to stay home with her and her kids and just be with her to help raise them.... nothing wrong with that, at all, but until she figures it out either way I suspect that the circle WILL continue.

NeonKaos 11-11-2009 11:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 11749)
I would suggest that NYX is not poly and loves the idea of you so much that she is willing to forgo what she really needs in her life, which may just be a man that wants to stay home with her and her kids and just be with her to help raise them.... nothing wrong with that, at all, but until she figures it out either way I suspect that the circle WILL continue.

Redpepper makes a lot of sense as usual.

Fidelia 11-11-2009 03:35 PM

I agree with RP and YG. From what you've written, it sounds like Nyx has issues with the practice of polyamory.

And sad as it is, the two you simply may not compatible as a couple due to this basic difference. :(

GroundedSpirit 11-11-2009 03:42 PM

Hi there,

Seems you've hit the classic conflict with Nix and may not (?) understand the female needs vs the male needs. Please see our last post. It would seem unlikely that Nix is truly cabable of blossoming in a poly relationship without doing some serious self analysis of her current belief system. Her "true" needs (primary) feel unsecured & threatened. Whether you can give her the proper assurance that those needs are understood and you desire to meet them will be your choice. You may or not want to and in fairness - it's time to "call a spade a spade".
Honest communication.


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