||11-13-2009 12:10 AM
what a compleat pleasure
I think it was hardest on me. My stomach was in knots. I kept wondering what would happen when J and M met for the first time? would they like each other. would it be rocky. would we all feel really uncomfortable. Truth is since this is all so new to me, I am having to fly with things. and for me that can be hard. I like to "know" to "understand" things. I feel more comfortable when there are not a lot of possible outcomes. Don't get me wrong I like excitement how could I not and be in a Poly relationship. but whenever I am stressed I feel it in my gut. Also it has not escaped me that I was going to be meeting with two men. Men who have done a great amount of work on learning to feel there feelings but lets face it the society sets up big road blocks for men feeling. I think it could have been easier for me if I was with a man and a woman just because the language barrier might be less apparent. M got out of the car and I felt that familiar queezy shakiness in my chest. I wanted to run up and kiss him right there but as we where in a public spot where I know lots of people and they all know I am married, I held back. but only until we where inside my studio. after spending a little while together we went to meet J at the restaurant. the first hand shake was awkward for me and I think for them as well. I will not regale you all with the full events of the evening but just say, we all talked about fairly mundane first time meeting someone new things. I noticed right off that they where smiling and sharing jokes. One of the things that I had asked was that I have a word if they started to tease me to much. Something that both of them are apt to do. that went really well and I was not the only one who used our word. I think this might be something to consider for other things as well. After dinner we came back to our house (me and J's) and all spent some time talking more. I had already talked about the fact that I wanted to spend the night with M, as I get time with him much less than with J. We talked about this a lot with people having some feelings but the funny thing was is was not really what they where feeling but worry about the others in the group. I know that is what happens when you have a lot of caring people. I also think it will be important for us to not do this to often as we really can only say how we are feeling and any attempt at talking for others is pointless. I hardly slept just thought a lot and actually ended up feeling like I was getting sick. There is such terror for me about living my truth and wanting something so strongly. It brings up feelings of direness. that I will loose what is happening. Again useless behavior. The next day was so sweet J made breakfast for us all and I packed a picknik lunch. then we went on a tour of the area for M. the Ocean was beautiful and we goofed around in the car and sang cheesy songs. I was so happy. both of my guys together. The thing that was hardest for me was not knowing how much I could touch them. would one feel like I was touching the other to much or not enough. I am such a snuggler and I did feel a bit like the distance was making it hard for me to stay connected. the best part of the whole time was later in the coffee shop when I stepped away for a good chunk of time and they REALLY talked. That was the best part for me. That they liked and trusted one another and they felt I was worth it. for them to go for the hard conversations. Both of these men are doting and loving in my direction most of the time and I feel so blessed to have such wonderful men in my life. when M had to leave I was so sad and wanted to have him stay forever. They both said how nice it was to meet and later to me they both shared how much they liked the other. We had fanciful talks of living together and sharing a house. This is my idea of heaven. M still wants to have a primary and I am supporting him in this. My only want for them both is happiness. I don't ever want to keep them from living there lives to the fullest potential. I hope I am able to be with them both as they do. mostly this update is to get it out and have the option of tracking my thoughts as I go. Please share if you want to. I would like to not have you share in a construct of wishing for what I have. I think we all can have this it just takes hard work and communication and love.