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-   -   A blog thing (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11672)

Feedhercandy 07-01-2011 01:38 PM

A blog thing
 
The last few weeks have been full of emotion - with a strong leaning towards the negative. Some of it poly-related, but most not. I'm feeling overwhelmed. And, to be completely honest, scared I'm nearing some kind of breaking point. I will reach out for some support.

ray 07-01-2011 03:27 PM

Well, feel free to rant/vent/muse on here. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed. Sometimes realizing that there are people there and just talking about it can make things a little lighter to carry.

Feedhercandy 07-03-2011 04:45 AM

Hook-ups
 
I've been experiencing very many emotionally draining things over the last few weeks. Amongst all of it, I've been struggling with the idea of sexual hook-ups (are there other kinds, btw?) A little while ago I had a fantastic, ridiculously tempting opportunity at either supremely hot one-on-one sex, or a potentially fabulous foursome. It didn't happen. And while I do give full respect to and don't reduce the power of the other folks involved, the not happening was basically because of me. I called the action to a screeching halt.

I'm frustrated because I don't know why this is such a challenge for me. Ok, I do know, and that's why this is so frustrating. What I can't quite figure out is the particular combination of factors that makes sex effortless and amazing and easy for me - and there clearly is such a combination.

Feedhercandy 07-03-2011 05:40 AM

I feel I need to add how this is related to poly.

My hubby and I entered poly through the swinger community. Purely by chance, I may add. I posted on okc, and the first fully awesome couple who messaged me happened to be swinger. I, then we, went to some clubs, observed some cool stuff, but didn't participate. I'm still great friends with that couple, though the dating didn't go anywhere.

Since then, I've met others. All lovely people. All interested in the next step. The next step - or its failure to occur - has been the stopping point. Though the slowness in engaging in sex has been great for my primary relationship, after a while I realized that it wasn't the only reason. (I seriously feel I'm sharing too much right now, gawd).

I understand that those who are worth it will wait, but I'm finding it hard to flirt and have fun and get to know people, with the expectation of sex being so imminent and heavily-weighing at every turn. I'm starting to think that with poly, since people know you CAN have sex, they expect that you WILL have sex after the smallest expression of interest. Or am I just misreading this whole thing?

nycindie 07-03-2011 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Feedhercandy (Post 89778)
I'm starting to think that with poly, since people know you CAN have sex, they expect that you WILL have sex after the smallest expression of interest. Or am I just misreading this whole thing?

I kind of feel that way about dating in general, not just poly. But I know what you mean. In poly, almost anyone has potential because you're not looking for THE ONE, and if there are reasons you would normally write someone off as a mono, you can still consider them as a poly because you know that another partner can make up for it or fulfill other needs. The dating pool is much bigger now!

For some reason, at age 51 and being fairly new at dating again after my husband moved out last year, the fact that I can be upfront about sex has, amazingly, been a huge relief for me. No more pretending that that's not what's on our minds. For me, it's kind of like the wallpaper -- we all know it's there, so I can ignore it. I hope that makes sense.

It's like, the fact that sex is already on the table makes it easier for me to talk about other things and get to know someone. And what I also find is that when the topic of sex is broached, talking about it is easier and more matter-of-fact, rather than avoiding the subject as a way to look good and posture myself as a possible candidate. In the old days I didn't want to seem slutty, and talking about sex too soon seemed impolite or like too much assumption was being made. Now, knowing it could happen (but not that it will happen for sure) kind of takes away the need for playing games, at least when I compare this time in my life to when I last dated 12 years ago (before I met my husband). Now, if it becomes obvious that the focus of someone's interactions with me is mostly sex, and I think that's all he is after without acknowledging me as a person, then I'm outta there. But I am enjoying the ability to dispense with all the subterfuge and posturing.

Make sense?

ImaginaryIllusion 07-03-2011 11:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Feedhercandy (Post 89778)
(I seriously feel I'm sharing too much right now, gawd).

Not at all...without sharing, others can't see the opportunities to lend a hand.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Feedhercandy (Post 89778)
I understand that those who are worth it will wait, but I'm finding it hard to flirt and have fun and get to know people, with the expectation of sex being so imminent and heavily-weighing at every turn. I'm starting to think that with poly, since people know you CAN have sex, they expect that you WILL have sex after the smallest expression of interest. Or am I just misreading this whole thing?

Your story kind of resonates with me. It sounds fairly familiar to some of the tentative steps into non-monogamy that my wife and I took. I really liked the idea of casual sex...and swinging had the expectation of lots of it, fairly easily. And one of the things I discovered about myself was that while I like the idea of casual...it wasn't what I actually wanted.

Even in the poly community, I was very driven to find another partner. To make things happen, so that we could continue the journey. This was one of the points where it would have paid to have listened to my wife more, and just let things happen.

I find there are some people in the IRL communities I've been a part of who either have that drive (which I expect you can smell a mile away) or who have the idea that being poly doesn't mean being able to date anyone, but rather it means you should be dating everyone!

For me, I finally found a suitable partner once I had given up looking. I've finally come to the realizations required to put sex in it's proper context for me. Important...but not a requirement. And I've been able to relax and leave a lot of the stress behind. And I've finally been able to redirect my drive and energy into other aspects of my life which probably by now could use some attention. My wife is a smart cookie.

As with any relationship, it just takes some time to find possible partners with compatible views & desires as you do. Be patient, and take the time to get to know people. Eventually you'll meet some who won't exude desperation, or perhaps after the initial settling out period, they'll calm down and enjoy you for you, instead of something they're chasing.

There's no rush that should have you thinking that you need to jump into anything you might regret before you're ready.

Feedhercandy 07-08-2011 04:29 AM

Secondary integration troubles
 
i'm feeling down. well, actually lonely which always brings me down. but that's not really the major point of this post. i think i'm having secondary integration troubles, and since you lovely, clearly brilliant and compassionate folks helped me out of the last secondary rut, i'm throwing this to you (last thread can be found here).

i just had, what i would consider, an unpleasant conversation with my secondary. hmmm. he needs a nickname. let's go with "the boy". so the boy and i have been wanting to spend more time together. i feel like i've worked quite hard to integrate him into my primary life. but both he and my hubby are not of the super social type, so making them bond hasn't been easy (though they do seem to like one another, and enjoy each other's company when it happens).

so, i recognize that the majority of the relationship management between us three falls on me. but does all of it have to? ok. back to the unpleasant conversation. he wanted me to come over and i wasn't up for it. he said we needed to "work on that time sharing deal" with me spending a couple nights a week at his place. i said that maybe that's something he could talk to my hubby about tomorrow (i invited him over for a beer bonding evening). and his response: "why me?" now, coooomoooooon. seriously!?

now the sleep over thing isn't really the issue right now. i know his comment was more a joke than anything (we have a two-year-old and being out of the house regularly over night isn't possible right now). what bothers me is his response. this is an easy relationship. i make near to none demands and have little expectations. would it hurt to put a little effort to have some serious discussions with the husband once in a while? work on developing a friendship of some kind that creates room for such conversation? i know my husband is game, but he is also incapable / unwilling to put in any management effort. bah, i say, bah!

nycindie 07-08-2011 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Feedhercandy (Post 90607)
bah, i say, bah!

:D

Feedhercandy 07-08-2011 04:13 PM

Feeling better
 
Though having serious conversations via txt sucks ass.

But it had to happen. A friend of mine and I were having a conversation about the different ways that people behave in their relationships. He has one partner who tends to withhold love as her participation in an argument (aka when there's something going on that she doesn't like). This morning I realized I do the exact same thing. And it's passive agressive, not particularly fair, and has to stop. Hence the serious txt talk. At least it was better than the witholding.

I guess it all comes down to time. The boy has very little. I have a lot more of it, but it's heavily constrained. I just need a big fucking house where we all can live. It can't be that hard, can it?

River 07-09-2011 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Feedhercandy (Post 89778)
I understand that those who are worth it will wait, but I'm finding it hard to flirt and have fun and get to know people, with the expectation of sex being so imminent and heavily-weighing at every turn. I'm starting to think that with poly, since people know you CAN have sex, they expect that you WILL have sex after the smallest expression of interest. Or am I just misreading this whole thing?

Poly people are all over the board. I'm the sort of guy who, at this time in my life, really wants to get to know a person and find out what potential is there for a wholesome, whole relationship. Sex is great; I love it, but even better is real loving, a lot of care for one another, and what I might call heart-gasms. Crotch-gasms are great, too. But I'd rather have a heart-gasm, with or without a crotch-gasm, than just a crotch-gasm.

Point? Sex isn't as important as loving is. It's great, sure. But loving is better. And the two together? Fasten your seatbelts!

If you're clear on what it is you want and need, just make those signals clear to whomever you're hanging out with. Things should go fine if you do.


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