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-   -   Invited husband and lover to forums (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1167)

polymusing 11-10-2009 12:44 PM

Invited husband and lover to forums
Well, I went ahead and sent an email to both of them this morning - inviting them to come here. I'm very nervous (I can tell by all the typos I've had to fix). I don't know if they will. I don't know how this day is going to go.

Manno 11-10-2009 04:19 PM

Well, tell 'em to stop and say hi
I'm not sure how that will work, I really don't want my wife to come on here, as I use this place to help me collect and organize my thoughts and receive feedback.

sea 11-10-2009 04:50 PM

Both of my partners come on here. Not everything pertains to us, but most at least invokes conversation! Communication is a good thing!

Manno 11-10-2009 05:02 PM

I then take that feedback back into our relationship.

polymusing 11-10-2009 05:10 PM

right now I am on pins and needles waiting for a chance to talk with my husband - he's read the email - is "upset" - but he has a meeting right now - he works at home. I have no clue how this day is gonna go down.

polymusing 11-10-2009 09:42 PM

It did not go well. Has anybody else started from a place where their partner/spouse/whatever went from NO WAY to understanding and trying this?

We talked a little (time constraints) and we'll talk again tonight. I don't think my husband even came here. In fact he read the link with the word polyamory and thought it said polygamy (and he stewed there for hours). He said a lot of things that confused me and I'm sitting here not knowing what to do next.

MonoVCPHG 11-10-2009 10:03 PM

Sorry to hear this Polymusing. Good luck.

polymusing 11-10-2009 10:37 PM

And right now I'm realizing that the man that I want as a lover (we really aren't yet) - may never be - and I feel such utter sadness - I will keep talking with my husband - because there's nothing else to do - but talk.

Has anyone been in this place? Where they've brought up the possibility and had that door slammed in their face? But a change of heart occurred?

Right now I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. And I've been so happy this past year - even with tragedies - I've been happy.

sweetie 11-10-2009 11:14 PM

Have definitely been there. When we started out... it was a swinging thing. My sort of partner at the time had been friends with my partners before I was. Because I wanted to be part of Sea and Tommy's life, I thought, this is great, we all get to be together. Problem was, he wasn't honest with himself or us. Once I was with Tommy, he put conditions on our relationship. I couldn't be with Tommy, and still have him as well. It worked for about 6 months, and that was it for me. I didn't know it at the time, but I was already in love with Tommy. It didn't take away from the love I felt for this other man, but even though he started out in this type of relationship, he couldn't stay with it. Bottom line. He made me absolutely miserable, and hurt Sea. When we broke up, he couldn't be friends with Sea anymore. So not only did he break up with me, he broke up with her, and she didn't do anything except accept Tommy and I and be his friend. Definitely his loss.

rubyfish 11-11-2009 05:38 PM

I've been in approximately your place, polymusing. I knew in my heart that I couldn't do this whole monogamy thing, but I also knew that I couldn't cheat as I hold honesty in the highest regard. When I first tried tell my husband about it, he stormed out of the house. That was in July. By September, he accepted that this was non-negotiable to me, but he wasn't sure that he could accept it. Then he did research and read. Last weekend we sat down and talked again about it, to lay down "the rules," which pretty much consisted of not dating people that he couldn't stand (not that there is anyone in that category, but in general). We talked about my highly inconvenient current crush and now he lovingly teases me about it.

In short, when there's life, there's hope. Everyone moves at their own pace, particularly when they are scared or confused.

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