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-   -   Primary still friends with the ex???(rant) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1166)

PickMoreDaisies 11-10-2009 05:47 AM

Primary still friends with the ex???(rant)
 
What the heck!! So I wasn't really going to post today but...well here I am. My ex that I broke it off with a couple of days ago just showed up at my house....not to talk to me, but to go to the pub with my hubby. They are friends, they work together...but still...isn't that just a slap in the face considering how angry and hurtful the break up was? I have been trying to hold it together for the last few days and am trying to reach a point where I can see the positive things that this relationship has brought to my life...and the list is fairly large. This seems too soon but at the same time I know that they are friends and will continue to be so after this has been resolved and grieved. I guess I just feel that I could have used more than a couple of days space....is that unrealistic?

MonoVCPHG 11-10-2009 06:05 AM

This is not unrealistic at all. Your partner should be a little more concerned about allowing for a cooling off period out of respect for you. That being said, you should speak to him, express your concerns and he can in turn explain things to your ex so it does not overtly affect their relationship. Don't count on him reading your mind. Sometimes people do things without even realizing who they are affecting. It's not malice, just absent mindedness sometimes.

PickMoreDaisies 11-10-2009 06:17 AM

I'm not mad at my hubby, oddly I feel like he also needs to be there for his friend....what a state I'm in....what confusion...I guess I'm mad because I have been leaning on my hubby for days and suddenly he got taken away by the very person that is causing me pain....wow maybe i am being selfish...just totally discombobulated right now...

thank you for the calm response...need calm right now

MonoVCPHG 11-10-2009 06:25 AM

Every now and then I get off my raging soap box of injustice...shhhh don't tell anyone ;)

redpepper 11-10-2009 07:55 AM

I would think he would want to be there for his buddy. After all he has just broken up with someone and that is what friends do... gather around wounded friends, drink and talk it out... I don't know if it was the best idea to pick your husband to do that with, but you could learn a hell of a lot more about what happened for him!!! :D that would be awesome! I wish we could all gain from that kind of relationship dynamic in this way! Same as interviewing our prospective partners exes! I think that would be such an advantage!:rolleyes:

PickMoreDaisies 11-10-2009 08:57 PM

I am a bit calmer today. I am upset that ex picked my husband to go for a beer with, although I understand that only he would truly appreciate the situation. I guess I felt that I also needed hubby to be there for me at the same time. I would like to say that my hubby is awesome and I can't imagine how he manages all of it...and me for that matter.

I was hoping that there would be some great new clarity that would arise out of the conversation with the two of them but it seems it was just more of the same. BF can't be the person that I want him to be, he will never give me what I need (though he seems unclear about what it is that I need), but the concern seems to be that he is upset that I am feeling hurt and wants us all to be able to be friends again. I'm just not ready to move towards trying to be friends right now, and actually I am not usually friends with men. I'm not really ready to have the two of them hanging out without me again...but I assume that that will be the future.

Fidelia 11-11-2009 07:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PickMoreDaisies (Post 11662)
. . . he is upset that I am feeling hurt and wants us all to be able to be friends again. I'm just not ready to move towards trying to be friends right now, and actually I am not usually friends with men. I'm not really ready to have the two of them hanging out without me again...but I assume that that will be the future.

This is all completely understandable and normal, in any relationship-poly or not.

Give yourself some time and space to heal. You're grieving the loss right now, which is good and healthy and real. Don't ry to rush through the grieving process, but don't live there forever either.

As for the future, never say never. There's something about this now-ex-bf that is interesting and attractive enough that you tried to make an ongoing relationship. It would be a shame to slam the door on a valuable friendship simply because the romance ended.

redsirenn 11-11-2009 11:13 PM

yes... give it time, but it seems like this could be a nice friendship.

Don't knock the friendship with guys thing either :) Since my divorce, I have renewed this part of my life and it feels fantastic! They are who I call upon to eat junk food with while watching dirty movies, drink beer and play darts with, play poker with, and watch horror flicks with! Talk about fulfilling some needs!


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