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-   -   is he playing games with me? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1165)

Nyx 11-10-2009 03:50 AM

is he playing games with me?
 
When I was on here last, I was very happy that things were progressing. Over the last month or more, things have derailed - I broke up with my bf about a month ago because I was not feeling comfortable with the direction things were going in. The girl I had asked him to hold off with, he ended up getting physical with and kissing her.

I found out about this because he mentioned it in an offhand way in a group email he was sending to me, a totally different love interest, and her bf. He didn't even tell me to my face. This put me over the edge and I broke it off with him. About a week later I spoke with him, found out he had sex with that girl a couple days after we broke up...OK...fair enough. Over the next few weeks I tried to get my head around this and I had been getting my feelings in order, wanting to talk with him and when I tried to a few times, I sort of lost it and fled in a fit of jealousy.

Fast forward to today: I finally got my head space right and initiated a conversation with him about his relationship with her. I guess to really see what was happening instead of letting my imagination and assumptions hurt me. He told me that when she got with him a month ago, she said at first she was only interested in sex. They decided to not use protection as they felt it fairly safe. They spend their time at his house being intimate, eating, sleeping. Little else outside of a play they were in that has since ended.

We talked about him spending quite a bit of time with her, nearly every day. I wanted to know why he never spent nearly every day with me when we were together and we talked about that a bit. I have a busy life and kids, and I guess she is able to go to his house and lounge in indulgent lovemaking all night whereas I am unable to do so very often. I asked him what would happen if I started to ask him for more of his time.

He said he had actually been thinking of spending less time with her because he wanted to back off a little bit and that maybe he could start spending more time with me to accomplish getting distance from her. Is it just me or does this whole thing reek of game-playing? :confused:

Another thing that I mentioned to him was that he tends to leave things out, to refrain from saying too much and that I always know when he is not telling me something. To this, he said that he does that on purpose. I asked him, why? To play games? He pretty much said it was to keep from saying too much. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Poly about being totally up front? Isn't it about telling the truth? I feel really weird about this situation. He did say that he doesn't tell me everything because he is afraid I might get angry or upset, which I understand. But he does this even with things that I wouldn't freak out about. :(

MonoVCPHG 11-10-2009 04:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nyx (Post 11581)
she said at first she was only interested in sex. They decided to not use protection as they felt it fairly safe. They spend their time at his house being intimate, eating, sleeping. Little else outside of a play they were in that has since ended.

WTF! First if they are using the word poly in a relationship all about sex they are forgetting the last part of the word..."amory".

Secondly...I would not be fucking this guy or her if "fairly safe" is their idea of safe. Grow the fuck up...get tested and close your circle a bit if you want fluid bonding...know the basics.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nyx (Post 11581)
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Poly about being totally up front? Isn't it about telling the truth? I feel really weird about this situation. He did say that he doesn't tell me everything because he is afraid I might get angry or upset, which I understand. But he does this even with things that I wouldn't freak out about. :(

You are right. There comes a time when you have to call bullshit. I know people have a wide idea of what poly is but it does in fact have some minimum expectations of commonality. Openess and honesty are two of them.

Games? Yup......dangerous games because of the lack of concern for sexual safety?...you betcha.

Take care, use protection with this guy and think with your head as well as your heart. You have kids to think about.

Nyx 11-10-2009 04:41 AM

Well, I don't know if I would say the relationship is ALL about sex, but is seems it certainly started off that way maybe at least from her perspective. It makes me wonder WHY he would risk losing our relationship, which he claims is SOO important to him, in order to be with this girl who only wanted to have sex with him?? I asked him that and I dont' feel I got a satisfactory answer.....something about how he had decided to move ahead with her and given the fact that he had already TOLD me he was going to move ahead with her there shouldn't have been a problem....

What I see as the problem, though, is that he risked what I was led to believe was a deep, connected love with me in order to put his penis in a girl who didn't really care about him. And he KNEW she didn't really care.

BexyandBen 11-10-2009 05:43 AM

Nyx,
Personally, I don't tolerate lies of any kind--and lies of omission are more insidious than overt falsehood.

You can do much better with little effort.

Ben (and Bex)

LovingRadiance 11-10-2009 05:51 AM

Assuming the best of him-it sounds like he has some significant growing up to do before he'll be ready for ANY type of relationship-and it's a no-brainer that poly relationships are more complicated than individual one-on-one relationships.
I would walk away and spend some time considering what it is YOU really want in life so that you can identify what type of person will actually be a good fit in your life. I wouldn't waste my time with someone who is CLEARLY too immature for a sustained relationship with ONE person at this time.

MonoVCPHG 11-10-2009 05:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BexyandBen (Post 11590)
Nyx,
Personally, I don't tolerate lies of any kind--and lies of omission are more insidious than overt falsehood.

You can do much better with little effort.

Ben (and Bex)

Amen Brother...and Sister :)

Additionally, pehaps your perception of the deep loving connection you have is a bit more one sided than is fair to you. Again...what BexyandBen said.

Take care

Ceoli 11-10-2009 06:14 AM

This is Legion you're speaking of, right?

MonoVCPHG 11-10-2009 06:21 AM

Interesting..does it matter who it is? Hopefully we'll get his take too if that's the case. What a learning experience.

Ceoli 11-10-2009 06:30 AM

Actually, if it is him, he's already written a bit about this from his point of view. In terms of whether or not it matters, it matters in that there may be another perspective available. But I don't know if this is the case, which is why I asked.

MonoVCPHG 11-10-2009 07:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 11605)
Actually, if it is him, he's already written a bit about this from his point of view. In terms of whether or not it matters, it matters in that there may be another perspective available. But I don't know if this is the case, which is why I asked.

Good point. There is always more than one perspective.


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