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-   -   How do I broach the subject with a potential lover? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11641)

Happy 06-30-2011 09:08 PM

How do I broach the subject with a potential lover?
 
My husband and I have been polyamorous since before we were married 14 years ago. We have a wonderful marriage and a beautiful daughter.

Here is my question. I am starting a relationship with someone that I have known for five years and there has always been a bit of a spark, but over the last year, and especially the last few months, the spark is growing to the point of potential explosion. The issue is how do I broach the subject of my polyamorous relationship?

Normally this is not an issue. I am not fully open about my status as a poly except with a few people, but I don't really "hide" it either. Many people have asked because they are observant, but we cannot be fully out because of business and family concerns.

I very much want a sexual relationship, but don't want to risk my current relationship with him. He is younger (I'm a cougar to the core), extremely smart, shy to a fault, and I'm betting a virgin. The tension between us is growing stronger the more time we spend together. I have been dropping more and more hints about my status, without coming right out and saying it (yet). With all being said he keeps warming more to me and becoming more obvious (while still shy and a perfect gentleman) in his physical attraction to me. There has always been a very strong intellectual and emotional connection, but we have never crossed into the physical before.

We have a "date" on Sunday for me to teach him to drive a standard and will be alone for 4 hours. The big deal is our date next Saturday. He is coming over for dinner and a movie. My husband and daughter will be gone for the weekend. This is not a new thing as we usually go out or he comes over when they go away. The issue is do I broach the subject on Sunday while driving training, broach it on Saturday during our date, or what? He would never come right out and ask, I don't want to scare him, and I am having a hard time not devouring him.

Help.

AutumnalTone 06-30-2011 09:21 PM

What's keeping you from simply asking "Gee, wanna fuck?" Seriously, stop trying to drop hints and simply tell him you're interested in a full contact romance--and that it's OK with your husband.

Why are you making it more difficult than it needs to be?

Happy 06-30-2011 09:25 PM

Well for me it is a big deal. I have never been in a relationship where it hasn't been known from the beginning that we are a polyamorous couple. Everyone went in knowing the game.

This is the first time I have ever thought of crossing over from "normal" relationship to poly relationship. Add in the fact that he is a client of mine and so is his mother it has me walking on eggshells.

nycindie 06-30-2011 10:07 PM

If I were you, I'd just wait for the right moment, lean in, and lay a sexy big kiss on him!

Kiss first, explain later. LOL.

redpepper 07-01-2011 12:28 AM

Wait a minute, mum and him are clients? What kind of clients? I don't know if its such a great idea to be drawing in someone for a relationship if they are your client,,, and especially if their MOTHER is. How old is this guy and how old are you? Age is not normally a big deal, but when someone's mother is involved it can be. You might find yourself in a world wind of drama with her in the mix. Do you really want that? If this is just a sex hook up, then that might be different. Fuck em, getter done and move on ;) (that is if this client thing is AVON or something) It's the looouve part that has me concerned in terms of a red flag.

clairegoad 07-01-2011 12:54 AM

From a more practical standpoint... If you are teaching him to drive a standard transmission.... Teach him that first. If you bring up poly... he may be too distracted to learn well...

So wait until he's no longer behind the wheel. :D

Happy 07-01-2011 02:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 89436)
Wait a minute, mum and him are clients? What kind of clients? I don't know if its such a great idea to be drawing in someone for a relationship if they are your client,,, and especially if their MOTHER is. How old is this guy and how old are you? Age is not normally a big deal, but when someone's mother is involved it can be. You might find yourself in a world wind of drama with her in the mix. Do you really want that? If this is just a sex hook up, then that might be different. Fuck em, getter done and move on ;) (that is if this client thing is AVON or something) It's the looouve part that has me concerned in terms of a red flag.

Okay, I'm a Cougar, not a pedophile. He is 27 and I am 37. This is not something that would be shared with his mother. The advantage to him being shy to a fault and very quiet is that he would never say anything to anyone and neither would I. But yes, it has me asking the question.

redpepper 07-01-2011 03:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Happy (Post 89450)
Okay, I'm a Cougar, not a pedophile. He is 27 and I am 37. This is not something that would be shared with his mother. The advantage to him being shy to a fault and very quiet is that he would never say anything to anyone and neither would I. But yes, it has me asking the question.

Man, is that what a cougar is these days? That means I have been one since I was 30 and met my husband who was about 20 at the time! Well, not a ten year gap, but ten years is quite reasonable. I thought you meant like, 50 with a 20 year old! That is cougar to me. It doesn't matter really.

I suppose the client aspect is not an issue then?

I think I would tell him ahead of time. Like right now. I'm not a big fan of leaving that kind of stuff, I don't think its fair. He might be completely not interested and then he still has the option of bailing on your plans and not being in a position to make an escape.

I think things should go more slowly if he is that much of a newbie. Even if he is interested, it will give him time to adjust and decide for himself what he wants to do. If this is about relationship that is. If it's a about bursting his cherry as a virgin, then maybe a kiss is a good option. I dunno, something about how shy he is mixed with his virginity makes me think he is vulnerable in some way. Or could be clingy in the long run. What do I know though, I don't know him or you. ;)

nycindie 07-01-2011 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Happy (Post 89450)
Okay, I'm a Cougar, not a pedophile. He is 27 and I am 37.

Oh, jeez, you're not old enough to be a cougar! Come on now! And ten years' difference is nothing.

Magdlyn 07-01-2011 01:10 PM

Cougar and MILF age is 35. This is the official decree. And when you hit around 50, you go from MILF/cougar to mature or granny.

:p

Of course, if you're 35-50 and only fuck people around your age, you're not a cougar. And if you're that age and not a mom, well, I just don't know.

27 is pretty late to be a virgin these days... There is a lot he doesn't know about sex and relationships in general, I'd bet. Definitely tell him asap, that you want his ass and your h is OK with it, as you 2 are non-monogamous.

But yeah, don't tell him when he's behind the wheel. Tell him on your romantic date! Gosh, if he's already used to nice alone time with you, with your h's permission, doesn't he have a clue something is up?

What do you mean, he and his mom are clients? Is there some kind of professional taboo involved here as well?


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