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-   -   Some Things Not To Do (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1164)

AutumnalTone 11-10-2009 01:00 AM

Some Things Not To Do
Found this and thought it could prove useful here.


It's all about bad "poly" behavior....

redsirenn 11-10-2009 01:07 AM

Love it. She makes it very clear it is her opinion, but there are some great points in there. thanks for sharing.

MonoVCPHG 11-10-2009 01:53 AM

Now that is my kind of poly person!!

LovingRadiance 11-10-2009 05:30 AM

like it!
We need a "great articles" thread! ;)

rolypoly 11-10-2009 07:12 AM

Good article!

I especially, especially appreciate the very end: "Unfortunately, it seems that poly attracts BPD's (and those suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder) because they think they can get more of the attention they crave through multiple relationships. "

I think this is what I wrote in my original post on this forum. What a relief to read this. Now it's time to consciously choose stable, mature relationships in an openly poly way. Phew.

Anyway good article.

Sweetheart 11-10-2009 12:52 PM

I can very definitely relate to the author's emotions through the pain of my own experiences, and she makes some valid points. All too often the people who actively seek to represent poly are those worst equipped to do so.

AutumnalTone 11-16-2009 09:18 PM

I've found much of interest on that site. There's more to be found in the rants section that touches on relationships.

A friend of mine refers to herself as a bitch and I've never considered her anywhere close to being a bitch. I mentioned this to her and figured out that we use the word "bitch" differently. I found the Heartless Bitches site shortly after that and have a better understanding of the difference in usage.

If I ever get the time, I'll post links to all of the rants that touch on relationships for comment.

sea 11-17-2009 09:58 PM

Excellent article!!

Having come into poly from a background of the 'swinging' lifestyle, we have met many (if not all) that were looking for that 'perfect' relationship. Everyone always said they wanted to find someone or a couple that they could have a relationship with on all levels. Someone to socialize with, go for coffee, shopping and also have the emotional loving connection with. After several years, we have yet to meet anyone who ever found it! Hell if they did find it they probably wouldn't even recognize it if it slapped them in the face!

Now in visiting these different POLY sites, and reading posts, 'listening' to people tell their stories, it sounds more and more like many are claiming 'poly' as its not quite so derogitory sounding to themselves as 'swinging'. Calling a spade by any other name doesn't change the fact that it's still a spade.

We are now a few years into a wonderfull poly-fi relationship ( which none of us were searching for) and it has come through many trials but also many many fantastic times. This life is hard work but, my god, it can be so rewarding! The author of this article nails it perfectly, RESPONSIBILITY, you can't have the 'me' attitude, it is US! All actions have re-actions, and caring about the ones you're are with means being responsible for those actions!

If you only want the physical and mascarade behind the term 'poly', be honest with yourself and call it what it is!

Great post! Thanks for putting up the link!


redpepper 11-17-2009 10:40 PM

Sorry this might be a bit of a tangent as I haven't read the article but had to just say something to sea...

This brings up serial-poly for me sea. People who go from one partner to another with over laps or have lots partners that they have sex with but the love isn't so deep. It is much like swinging or even just dating to me in that way. Not much "us" involved, more "me" with a hint of "you." This still seems to be poly by definition to some. It isn't my definition, but that is what people think and who am I to disagree. We have talked about it before on a different thread already and it has actually given me a bit of a bad taste in my mouth about identifying as poly. I find myself saying I'm in an "open relationship" that has "poly" tendencies and then clarify to people that they should not necessarily go by anyone's definition but mine when it comes to my relationships. I came out to my cousin this way recently.

Just a thought as I loved that you put its a responsibility to "us!" so true for me!

Ceoli 11-17-2009 10:52 PM

When people ask, I generally say that I'm non-monogamous because that is the most accurate description with the least amount of baggage I can come up with. To me, poly is an umbrella term. Just like marriage is. There's gay marriage, straight marriage, conservative marriages, open marriages, marriages of convenience, etc. So when a person says they are married, it could mean a variety of things. The same goes for people who are single. How another person chooses to be single has no effect on how I choose to be single even though we share the same label.

So it's always good to come up with some back up language to help challenge the assumptions that go along with any umbrella term.

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