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-   -   A newly formed Triad jealousy issue. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11627)

Cirxe 06-30-2011 10:52 AM

A newly formed Triad jealousy issue.
 
-Husband and I have been together for almost four years, married last October, 2010.

-Girlfriend and I are best friends since school.

-We formed a triad in early April.

While I've had several jealousy moments, I've talked about them with both involved parties and have tried to work through them with success, but I've recently realized there's something else nagging at me.

It really bothers me when they have sex without my permission beforehand. This is the only thing I can really think of. For example, tonight:

She and he slept in the bed and I slept on the floor. I had trouble sleeping and heard them kissing and whispering, but didn't really hear anything else after that and fell asleep. I woke up two hours later to a soda can being opened up and her saying that she had finished.

And it bothered me. I really wish it didn't, and I'm still searching to maybe why, but the fact is I might not be ready for them to be having sex without my knowledge/permission. I want to get to that point, I really do. I think its worth working for.

I'm just not sure how. I feel like I'm whining if I bring it up, but I know its unhealthy, but I'm still inclined not to say anything. Or maybe I'm annoyed that I was woken up to have missed all the fun and have since been up because I can't go back to sleep because I'm annoyed and starving.

I hope this is enough information, and thanks for anyone who can give me advice. I'd appreciate it.

clairegoad 06-30-2011 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cirxe (Post 89316)
-
It really bothers me when they have sex without my permission beforehand. This is the only thing I can really think of. For example, tonight:

She and he slept in the bed and I slept on the floor. I had trouble sleeping and heard them kissing and whispering, but didn't really hear anything else after that and fell asleep. I woke up two hours later to a soda can being opened up and her saying that she had finished.

And it bothered me. I really wish it didn't, and I'm still searching to maybe why, but the fact is I might not be ready for them to be having sex without my knowledge/permission. I want to get to that point, I really do. I think its worth working for.

So within your triad, they need to ask each time they have sex? Would your answer change- or are you wanting to be involved every time?

You don't mention how long/well they know each other.

Would you want them to wake you up to ask if they can have sex? (I realize they accidentally did... but would you have been too disturbed to go back to sleep if they did).

One great gift of my partners is that they each allow the other time alone with me...and that is for shopping, chatting, coffee together,etc. (not just snuggling). Sex is very different when both partners are being quiet. They are building a relationship also... and the stronger their relationship, the stronger the triad.

ClosetPoly 06-30-2011 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cirxe (Post 89316)
She and he slept in the bed and I slept on the floor.

This would be the first thing I would change. If you know they are going to have sex, if they are in the same bed, either BE in the bed or leave the room. If the bed only fits two people, get a bigger bed. Seriously. A triad is inclusive, not exclusive.

Second thing would be to talk to them about it, but write down your feelings first, sort them out, find a good way to explain what you would like to change, and how you would like to change it. If your goal is to reach a complete acceptance, see if you can shape that into steps of a plan, go to them both with the plan and talk through it.

BlackUnicorn 06-30-2011 11:20 AM

Hullo and welcome!

It seems jealousy is most often motivated by fear, usually by a fear of not being needed anymore, of being replaced or rejected.

Since you are new, how often do you spend time and have sex in pairs, or does it always happen in a threeway context?

TruckerPete 06-30-2011 11:47 AM

And is this a rule for everyone? Do you and she need to ask permission of him to have sex (you said triad, so that would mean you're also involved with her as an individual, not just part of the group) and do you and he need to ask permission of her to have sex?

zylya 06-30-2011 02:13 PM

Out of interest, why were you on the floor?

redpepper 06-30-2011 06:15 PM

Triads indicate that you and her have sex, she and he have sex and you and he have sex.... would you have to ask him to have sex with her?

I really think this would be worked out if you slept somewhere else and everyone swapped beds every night. Work out some kind of schedule that works for all of you. That way you know who is having sex where and when. No surprises and no one feels left out.

peabean 06-30-2011 08:30 PM

I'm also in a Triad. We find it works best if we all sleep in the same bed. We have a king size bed that fits all three of us. If all 3 of us are in bed, then the sex is almost always between all 3. Certainly no one ever sleeps on the floor.

We have sex in pairs too, but this is normally when only 2 of us can be together at the same time. We don't do 'permission' in our triad. Everyone is 'allowed' to have sex when they want. I find the whole boundaries thing just sets up walls of drama. In a successful triad drama must be kept to a minimum.

Why are they having sex without you if you're there? Do they need relationship building time? If so, perhaps you should do something nice for yourself while they do what they want. I try to think of this pairing time as a gift to my loves. Since she and I are together more than he is with us due to work issues I work hard to give them at least one afternoon a week to themselves. It's critical that we have strong bonds in every relationship within our three. To me this makes the coming back together sweeter. They are more focused on me and I am keyed into their sexual energy for each other.
This works for each pairing, including the one between my husband and I.

So I would say your jealousy is a symptom of not being 'all in'. I would work on exploring how you intend this relationship to go forward. If you want to make it work long term, you will need to let go of this 'permission' system.

redpepper 07-01-2011 12:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by peabean (Post 89382)
I find the whole boundaries thing just sets up walls of drama. In a successful triad drama must be kept to a minimum.

No doubt this is true for you, but if triads are starting out then boundaries are important I think until there is ease of flow between everyone and they can be let go of.

The OP says she is struggling with the fact that she feels they should ask for permission, but doesn't want to always feel like that in the long run... organizing and looking at time management could mean that is nipped in the bud and not an issue until such time as she can let it go for real. Just saying she should let it go could very well be dismissive of her feelings on the issue no? Besides, some triads work in such a way that there is a schedule and sleeping all together is not important or doesn't work... maybe this is how they have it arranged for them?

assets 07-01-2011 01:39 AM

Are you just bothered by them having sex when you are there, or is it also if you are not in the room? If you were in another room or another building would it bother you?

I know from my experience, my exes used to have sex in the bedroom while I was there without including me. This created issues for me and brought up a lot of jealousy. If I wasn't there, it didn't bother me. For me, it wasn't to do with them having sex with each other that caused the jealousy, it was the fact that I felt excluded.


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