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-   -   Hard to believe, but this is how things just went for me... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=116)

sansi69 03-20-2009 12:57 PM

Hard to believe, but this is how things just went for me...
Hard to believe….

Madam A. steps into my life, is actually welcomed into my semi-open relationship with my secondary partner of three years. This is, though at a time where he has voiced his commitment to me which he feels should come with more rights including access to my house, to be negotiated with my primary partner. This in the end will not happen, because as soon as I have created the basis for this, and gone out of my way in fact to carefully facilitate, he lets me down no end with the goings on that ensue with the coming of madam A.
The first thing she does, strangely, is accuse me of intrusion.
While I am nothing but positive about her, and to her, at the first instance, and on the basis of nothing at all, I am accused of being intentionally intrusive, manipulative, out to blow someone’s cool: This behind my back, of course.
Asking explanation for this, my showing friendliness and accomodation are promptly sneered at by her as ‘hypocrisy veiled as openmindedness’. The hypocricy is the pretence of polyamory, which of course is nonsense and needs to be stopped. She sets out to do, by strict boundaries, set by her, on what can and can’t take place in the way of communication. She even tries to influence in this, what him and me should or shouldn’t discuss. Meanwhile she continues to accuse me of everything she herself does. At some instances, in between, she is suddenly friendly. This is when she wants information. After that she becomes abrasive and hurtful again. She orders me to ‘stay out of each others bedrooms’ for instance, but all, ALL sexual reference and innuendo has been hers.
Since then I have been called ‘discourtious’ ‘silly’, ‘ridiculous’, a ‘drama queen’, ‘jealous’ incessantly with no basis whatsoever.
For months madam A. heard nothing from me or of me, and decreed that I was unmentionable, so made sure she was not hampered by my existence in any way. Because of this, my partner, through spinelessness on his part largely, but also in order not to become schizophrenic in his behaviour or an outright liar, removed himself almost totally from me. Even though there were serious issues in our life together that needed his attention and interest, he became unreachable. Madam A. viewed his compliance, of course, as proof that the relationship between him and me amounted to nothing really, and she was correct in doing away with the polyamoric idiocy: After all, I already had a husband, so I should disperse myself from his and her budding, viable relationship. She called the shots, communicationwise. Her extreme rudeness to me, in correspondence and later in digs and actions through him, though (All of Christmas is annexed from a distance, for instance. Nothing could of course not be addressed with her, nor her decrees about not mentioning me, for this would cause instant hysteria with her and accusations to my address of interference in her relationship, the same damn inversion as before. In fact, every negativity of hers was projected unto me from the start. He refused to address this, and the impossibility of communication with her. In the meantime, it was working on him. Once he did relay that he was sick of her orders and decrees,and that he’d make sure she would not come between us again, but never followed up on it. It cost us the trip I’d put so much effort in for our three year anniversary).
After this, he ignores my continuous pleading to sort this out. That I have no interest whatsoever in meddling, or even dealing with him and her, but it, and especially her commands and decrees and impossibility of communicating where she is actually infringing are killing us. Indeed do, because we are at that point splitting up. (Also because my primary partner has had enough of it: He was willing to accommodate something in my life that made me happier, but not something that is obviously hurting me, affecting my health even. )
But he begs me to bear with me. He would be able to make time for me when his collegue comes back. When I think nothing can become any worse, I hear that Madam A. is coming over again (She lives in another country) She's coming on Valentine’s day, actually, why not, don’t I hate dislike Valentine’s day anyway?) While she has heard nothing of me, or from me for months, the mere mention, by him, that he had mentioned her coming to me, and his stating I was ‘reluctant’ about this at first, is enough to inspire an rant of instructive accusation from her. (Again, everything is turned around, as is her way: She will do something, or state something, and then accuse the other party of just that. )
She wrote that, if indeed I needed to be told at all, I should immediately revert to a respectful (actual words used) distance and that showing any kind of reluctance at all was, to her mind, a display of manipulation and intentional subversion. Actually it was phrased even worse than that, but I don’t have the literal text, I only read this later, at the time of her visit. .Before that he conveyed this to me totally differently, softened, not as accusations and decrees, but her ‘not being able to handle sleeping with another woman’s man’. Not that this other woman needed to be dispersed. During the time of her visit, I was supposed to finish an important project, which he knew and should have been there for me. While they are at their romantic island retreat, I am under strict orders to leave them alone, which I do, save one textmessage to him the night before I fly to my parents (which I am doing primarily to get away from the situation but also to work) which is already unacceptable and enflames her into rage and threats.
During the rest of the time, that I am in there, I hear nothing from him but one sentence of mail, in which he makes a vague excuse about something secondary, and which breaks off, apparently, because she is entering the premises and can not find out he is mailing me!

I am by this time disgusted with the both of them but actually mainly him, for this spinelessness and dishonesty, and constant betrayal, which I hadn’t expected from him. I mail to her, in reference to the aborted correspondence we had month before, in which she preached at me to show ‘emotional fortitude’. I tell her she can have him but never to preach to anyone in such a condescending tone again. I don’t care about the consequences by this time. It’s a cartharsis for me.
Through the result of this, they apparently get into some tiff. She dumps him. He doesn’t want to contact her anymore because of her ‘disrespectful’ attitude towards him: Somewhere in a hysterical rant to me forwarded to him she suggested hypothetically some other man in her life, and I suspect that hilariously, he’s fixated jealously on that in some kind of language mixup ( I am not sure if it is one of her methods or she simply doesn’t take into account that her mother tongue, which she expects the whole world to grasp in the fullest as all English speakers do, is not his primary language, and veiling it and making it intricate creates more confusion. He doesn't understand half of what she mailed to me for instance)
I state that as long as she was disrespectful to me that was fine? I didn’t set out to split them up, but nos I don’t care either.

Anyway, they apparently are done so he of course....
comes crawling back to me on best behaviour. And yes, I don’t quite know why, nobody does, but I do want to salvage something of what we had, if only not to have wasted three years of love, effort and dedication….

But, outside of her he shows no genuine interest, not into what he’s caused during this time, what the effect on me, on my health, life, work has been, of which I am still struggling with the effects. He thinks we can just continue as if nothing happened, without him having to make any effort at all…. Not even show the most basic of human interest…. Fuck the both of them….

I am now healing....

sansi69 03-20-2009 01:15 PM

Edit for geographical clarification

riciecup 03-20-2009 06:09 PM

not every relationship is such a hardship
Do not let this one bad relationship affect what you are inside. If he is a spinless jellyfish of a male then kick him to the curve. As my grandmother always said: there are 4 or 5 more where that one came from.

Be well within yourself. Realize that you are blameless and you need time to heal from the hurt. Then be the old but wiser bull rider who knows when to get back on the bull and ride for glory!

be well and cherish your time!

sansi69 03-21-2009 03:50 PM

Thanks for your kind words ! X

BillFriend 03-23-2009 08:35 PM

Looks like you are just out of this in time.

As a neophite at this & man, my 2 cents worth:
I expect the poly relationship has to go slow, at first, perhaps without sex & work toward all three enjoying each other's company & caring about each other equally first. If the caring is really there in the first relationship, One member shouldn't have to "go along", to accomodate another.
If you continue in poly perhaps you find an established couple you like equally, before going forward. Does that make sense??

sansi69 03-23-2009 09:45 PM

Uhm...thanks for taking the time to reply, Bill. yes, usually that is how it would go. That's called respect. But I don't think you understood the story completely. Regards to your last sentence, actually, I am in a poly relationship and have been for twenty years. This was my secondary relationship, of three years, in which I was primary partner. Madame A. was the new one in, in this regards... would have been up to her to step away if a polyamorous relationship was not what she wanted....

BillFriend 03-23-2009 10:49 PM

OK got you. Sorry.

sansi69 03-23-2009 11:27 PM

No problem :)

AutumnalTone 03-30-2009 10:40 PM

I guess I wouldn't have stayed in it as long--ot I'd like to think I wouldn't have, anyway! I am patient with troubles and willing to spend some time watching them play out in hopes of finding a solution. Repeated incidents of her projecting negative attributes on to you and him enabling it, though, crosses my boundaries. It tells me that he has issues with boundaries and such and isn't really ready for a relationship.

Anything that indicates somebody isn't ready for a relationship is what puts me off them. My ex-GF, when we split, showed that she had some issues that work against ongoing relationships. So, when she showed some signs of wanting to reconcile, I stayed noncommittal--she'd have to address those issues before I could get seriously involved again. (She's since met somebody else and is pushing me completely away...and I don't mind that at all.)

Fidelia 08-09-2009 01:59 AM

Wow. Sansi, I am so sorry that happened to you. Geez!

You must have really loved that man, to put up with so much BS for so long.

Be strong SisterWoman. I hope you're well on the road to recovery now.

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