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-   -   Need some advice and support! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11589)

FreeTheMind 06-29-2011 02:41 PM

Need some advice and support!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by FreeTheMind (Post 88162)
Freetime,

I am new to all of this also (as in the last 5 days). I came across this forum and your post and spent the last few days reading through your journey and progress over the last 90+ days. Many times reading your posts along with the very insightful, compassionate support and advice from the others on here such as RP, II, TP, etc., had tears streaming down my face. :eek:

My wife (who is also a T) is the one who brought up the possibility of Poly. To say the least it rocked my little world when I first started reading up on it. But stumbling upon your journey and reading what others had to say I was realizing that this is a journey about self, letting go and confronting our own fears and issues as we rewrite our boundries.

It is really about enjoying life to the fullest with absolute love and joy, being happy and fulfilled. That is the reason my wife approached me about this. I'm realizing I need to be conscious of my life and that all things are possible. I've closed myself off for way to long.

Reading your posts I literally felt like Rip Van Winkle waking up for the first time from a very long slumber. Many of your issues, fears and concerns really resonated with me and I'm sure others as they first ventured into Poly. I've read the 12 Pillars of Polyamory and really understand and embrace the idea of Authenticity, Honesty, Truth, Communication, etc. I've been feeling NRE just from reading as much as I can to understand this.

Am I scared.....ABSOLUTELY! Am I excited about the possibilities of what our lives (my wife and mysef) can be......ABSOLUTELY! We have been married for 12 yrs and have been together for going on 16. We have no kids so there is really nothing holding us back from enjoying life to it's fullest except ourselves. (Probably more me than her.) I've put up a lot of barriers over the years and if feels good to start breaking them down.

I'm rambling at this point but do want to say that we are new at looking into this so we are going to go very slow. I'm really looking forward to a much deeper intimate connection with my wife and others in my life!

I'm sure I will be posting much more as time progresses with many questions and or just fears/issues I will be encountering and I am looking forward to the feedback and advice.

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and I appreciate any feedback as we start this journey.

FreeTheMind

I wanted to post the above to give some background about me and my wife.

Last night wasn't a good night for me as we go on this journey. I know T has been thinking about this longer than me so I have been on a fast track to understanding, acceptance, etc. I am good for the most part on Poly and I am willing to embrace this myself.

No doubt as I have been reading the threads and whatever I can get my hands on about Poly I have certainly had these feelings for others in my past. I've just done a good job of suppressing them or avoiding situations that would bring up these feelings so as not to hurt my wife (or others from previous relationships I've had).

But as my wife and I open up and have become more honest and truthful with each other (which I love) and have been talking about the possibilities of having others in our lives I feel it is important as does she that we have rules and boundaries.

One of the rules or boundaries I mentioned is that we should not involve or pursue others (at least in the beginning) whom we work with or do business with as it could have an effect on our careers/jobs. I also said that I feel it is important that whomever we bring into our lives, all people need to be in agreement and know what is going on. That includes spouses of the others. She agreed.

Last night when T came home from work she wanted to tell me about her NRE. I was excited to hear about this. It involves a customer of the company she works for whom she has known now for the past yr. and a half. She has really connected with this guy and I think he may sense this too. I've met him a couple of times and from what I know he is a nice guy.

He is working on rebuilding his company and T has been very helpful and supportive of him being able to do so. Basically being a protector and having his back so he can work on getting out of the debt etc. from the last couple of years and moving forward.

Here is where I need help. He is married, has 3-4 children and a lovely wife. He has been hugely successful in the past with his businesses and I am sure will get out of the hole he is in now.

One it went against the first boundary that was set (I know boundaries can change and move). With boundary two I said that all parties would need to know and be in agreement including his wife. I said we would all need to sit down and talk about this. Here is the bigger issue as T said that would not happen. This guy is fiercely protective of his family and will not do anything to lose that. So basically it comes down to cheating for him and I have a hard time accepting that and the consequences it could bring. I say this as he does have a lot to potentially lose.

I love my wife so very very much! I want her to be happy and fulfilled and I feel in a way that I am denying her from being able to do so. I also don't want her to be resentful. She has agreed to not pursue this with him, but for now that leaves her with no possible poly options. T did say that she would like to maintain the friendship and working relationship with this guy and I am fine with that.

I know we are very early into this process and that we need to take baby steps, but I would appreciate any advice, support and opinions about the above situation.

I'm feeling very sad right now.

Thanks for listening.


FreeTheMind

Anneintherain 06-29-2011 07:50 PM

People put boundaries on their relationships before they start sometimes just because of this - in the heat of NRE, people make stupid decisions and try to say why this person is so amazing they are worth breaking the very clear agreements they've made with their partners about what is or isn't OK.

If either of you start out poly by cheating, everybody is going to regret it down the road, and polyamory means ethical non-monogamy, and if she pursues him it isn't poly at all. Now if you feel you'd rather support your wife's happiness above all else, that is your choice to make, but don't try to fool yourselves that this is a loving thing. I know the other guys wife and kids don't deserve to be treated that way.

Not cheating isn't a boundary exactly, its kinda the whole background of what the definition of polyamory is. You might find people in the future not want to date you because they don't support cheating in any form, and don't want to touch your relationship (or you) with a ten foot pole if you're not being ethical in how you act towards others. How you treat this situation will reflect how other people will expect you to treat them, and if I thought somebody was a liar and actively hurting somebody else, nothing is going to convince me they are going to treat me any better.

Obviously the issue to pursue people in the workplace is separate, and usually wise. After having some experience with having other relationships and breakups and what the fallout is from that, can give you a better idea if you want to risk that sort of thing where you work. Maybe you both end up handling relationships and breakups smoothly and with grace and you decide you should be able to date people you work with without a problem, and maybe you don't.

You might find out you are jealous of having your partner work with somebody they are dating, knowing they are having all sorts of private stolen moments at work that you aren't a part of day after day - some people can handle it just fine, some can't. There's no rush to figure everything out today though eh? ;)

FreeTheMind 06-29-2011 08:32 PM

Thank you Anneintherain
 
Thank you for the thoughtful advice Anneintherain. You must of had a couple glasses of wine. ;) You validated everything I was thinking about what Polyamory is about from what I have read here and other places.

My wife was very clear to me that this guy was not an option after we spoke due to the fact that his wife wouldn't know and she doesn't want to do anything to hurt me and our relationship. :)

I think boundaries are very good along with baby steps when starting out and you are right I don't need to figure everything out today! I felt I was putting a lot of pressure on myself, but it is still very early on in this journey. (BIG SIGH)

nycindie 06-29-2011 10:50 PM

I agree completely with everything Anneintherain wrote, whether she was drinking wine at the time or not! ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by FreeTheMind (Post 89157)
So basically it comes down to cheating for him and I have a hard time accepting that and the consequences it could bring. I say this as he does have a lot to potentially lose.

I love my wife so very very much! I want her to be happy and fulfilled and I feel in a way that I am denying her from being able to do so. I also don't want her to be resentful.

It is correct that he would have an awful lot to lose by cheating, and it brings to my mind two things: First, if he and your wife talked about it, why was he so willing to cheat and risk that? Red flag about his ethics. Second, T would lose a lot, too - namely her self-esteem and ability to hold her head high. She would have to be a mistress in hiding and would feel like a dirty secret.

Voicing your objection to this kind of situation is a very loving thing to do because it is honest and reinforces what poly is, and what your boundaries are. She may feel lust for this guy, but it will wane, and she will be thankful she did not pursue it. And will appreciate your concerns and the fact that you did not want that boundary crossed.


Quote:

Originally Posted by FreeTheMind (Post 89157)
She has agreed to not pursue this with him, but for now that leaves her with no possible poly options.

Well, you know that simply isn't true unless he was the last man on earth! Close one door and another one opens. Remember, just because you made up your minds to embrace polyamory, doesn't mean everything will fall into place immediately. Allow some time to find the right people to be involved with.

FreeTheMind 06-29-2011 11:18 PM

Thank you nycindie
 
Thank you for responding nycindie as your responses are always insightful!

Just to clarify they had not talked about it. T brought this up to me first. She did mention that she could feel the potential sexual tension between them but nothing had been discussed. In T's defense she wanted to be open and honest with me before anything went further, which made me feel even closer to her for doing so! :) (I love that woman!)

Agreed about clcosing one door and another opens. It is still very early into this for us and I know everything won't fall into place immediately. Baby steps!

I'm feeling a bit better now having posted on here and the responses I received. I thank the thoughtful caring people who are on here and have gone down this path to help others as they venture forth! I think I may be able to get some sleep tonight! ;)

Be well and I'm sure I will have much more to post as things progress.

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2011 11:32 PM

I seriously hope your wife takes the high road on this one and does not engage in an affair with this man. It sounds like you both are on the right path and letting some guy (who isn't man enough to be honest in his desires with his wife) derail that would be a shame.

There are plenty of fish in the sea for her...why spend time on an eel :rolleyes:

nycindie 06-30-2011 12:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 89238)
There are plenty of fish in the sea for her...why spend time on an eel :rolleyes:


Eeeeww!!!!

FreeTheMind 06-30-2011 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 89238)
I seriously hope your wife takes the high road on this one and does not engage in an affair with this man. It sounds like you both are on the right path and letting some guy (who isn't man enough to be honest in his desires with his wife) derail that would be a shame.

There are plenty of fish in the sea for her...why spend time on an eel :rolleyes:

Thanks Mono! Knowing my wife like I do I believe she will take the high road on this one. I appreciate you saying it sounds like we are both on the right path.

redpepper 06-30-2011 06:35 PM

Catching up here, no doubt I am repeating what others have said a bit, but hopefully that will just mean that I think as others do ;)
Quote:

Originally Posted by FreeTheMind (Post 89157)
She has agreed to not pursue this with him, but for now that leaves her with no possible poly options.

So what. There is no rush. Spending time with this guy will mean less time with real prospects. THAT is losing possibility on finding someone poly. This man is not poly. If she wants poly then she needs to find a man who isn't a cheater and who is poly. Poly means ethical, CONSENTUAL non-monogamy. He is asking to cheat, which means; behind someones back whom he loves and is committed to. Its a lie and therefore NOT ethical.

He's totally in denial if he thinks he can have the cute family, a rockin' girlfriend a successful business and not do the WORK it takes to have that. He is about to drag your wife into something she might not ever recover from, that is the betrayal of another woman such as herself, destruction a family, and the possible life long regret of being that selfish as to think its okay to break a marriage vow.

Ya, if I were her I would stop talking to him now. He needs to get a huge hint that this is NOT okay. If I were her I would be telling him that until he is able to bring his wife into this there is no sense tempting each other and going through that dreamy, longing, "I'm so hard done by" bullshit that cheaters go through because they are not man/woman enough to own up to their desire for more love in there life.

There is a name and identity now for people who want more love in their lives; that is poly.... he could very well get on board and use it. He DOES have an option to cheating. We all do.

I wrote this and then realized they had not started something. That's a relief that he doesn't know her thoughts... still time to RUN. :)

Snowdancer 06-30-2011 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FreeTheMind (Post 89157)
But stumbling upon your journey and reading what others had to say I was realizing that this is a journey about self, letting go and confronting our own fears and issues as we rewrite our boundries.

It is really about enjoying life to the fullest with absolute love and joy, being happy and fulfilled. That is the reason my wife approached me about this. I'm realizing I need to be conscious of my life and that all things are possible. I've closed myself off for way to long.

Reading your posts I literally felt like Rip Van Winkle waking up for the first time from a very long slumber. Many of your issues, fears and concerns really resonated with me and I'm sure others as they first ventured into Poly.
FreeTheMind

Very well put! I wish I had said that in my first post!

Take Care!

Snow


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