Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   What am I (other than confused)? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11588)

Stainedclear 06-29-2011 02:37 PM

What am I (other than confused)?
I'm having a bit of an identity crisis I guess you could say and was hoping you guys could help me out. I've been reading all through these forums and am more confused than ever about where exactly I stand on the spectrum and where to go from here.

I'm a bisexual female married to a wonderful man for four years now. He knew I was bi when we got together and was always very accepting of it.

In past relationships my usual trend was to have a boyfriend and a girl "on the side." While this somewhat fufilled my sexual needs, I've always felt like I wanted more of a relationship with my "girl on the side" than what she did. My perfect situation would be to have my long term husband and long term girlfriend as well. A "vee" I believe this is called.

I've always thought that this was the norm in the bisexual community, but in light of recent talks with my husband about me getting a girlfriend (we've been exclusive to each other since we got married) I've been doing some research that seemed to point to the fact that this is not the case as I once thought.

Upon learning this, I starting looking into polyamory and what it means and entails. Here's where I start to get really confused. The thing is, I have no desire to have more than one male and more than one female partner. I would want to be exclusive to them only. So let's say my husband says "I'm okay with you having a boyfriend." Even though I know in my mind that a relationship with consent isn't "cheating" per say, I would feel like I was. Same applies to a girlfriend. Having more than one of each gender just doesn't feel right to me (personally - I take no issue with what anyone else chooses or is right for their particular situation).

So the condumdrum lies in this - can you be mono with two people or is this considered poly? If I have a seperate husband and seperate girlfriend, but date no one outside of those two - what am I? Is it simply a spin off of bisexuality or a hybrid version of poly?

I do hate to try to attach labels to things, but in trying to find a girlfriend I've run into so many girls who seem to think this situation is odd. Some have even said, well, not so nice things about my moral values or what have you. I figured maybe if I could find exactly where I fit in I'd have better luck finding someone that could work into what I'm looking for. Maybe spending time looking for a 100% mono bi female is just me asking for disappointment if what I really need to be looking for is a poly female.

Then the question arises, if what I am IS a type of poly, well where does one go to find a female who wants to be the leg of a vee (sorry if my terminology is off)? I would have no issue with my girlfriend having a boyfriend or husband and would even consider (though this one may be more difficult given my one of each gender feelings) not being the only female that she's with so long as her other girlfriend is an actual girlfriend and not some girl she is sleeping with (any more than "boyfriend" means "some guy I'm sleeping with").

I'm lost and overwhelmed. I am in the process of explaining to my husband why having a girlfriend is important to me and for some reason having a mini identity crisis seems to be making the process with him harder as well. How can I explain to him that this is part of who I am and always have been if I don't know what I am?

Sorry for being long winded and thank you so much for any help you can provide!

Tonberry 06-29-2011 04:43 PM

Well, it seems to me you are poly... there are people who are in poly relationships with a limited amount of partners, it's called polyfidelity, although it's not exactly the same as it's not gender-based.

But I've known other people who said they were similar to you. I guess you're biamorous? Like polyamorous, but specifically two partners, one of each gender?

I don't think using labels is essential, but if you feel you need one, that's the one I have for you ;). It might also be easier for you to explain to people how you work, since you work in similar ways to a monogamous person, multiplied for each gender. And a lot of people seem to understand how a male partner and a female partner would be two different things.

To find a partner, I can't help you much, I've never been too good at it. But if you do find a date, say you're poly-bi (bipoly?) and that you have a boyfriend, and that you don't expect the relationship with her to be just sex, you want an actual relationship.
If it scares her off, rince and repeat. When you meet one who isn't scared off by it, you get the chance to give it a shot :)

just3 06-29-2011 05:33 PM

Well Im not bi but our relationship is.. a V. My hubs and bf are both mono and straight. In our relationship neither S nor J have any other partner other than me. No need to really label your relationship. It is what it is. Hubs and I have discussed our ideals and both would like it to be a eventual cohabilitation with the secondary moving in and becoming..well a primary. Polyfidelity is the only term that I can say sums it all up. We are just with each other. With no plans to ever add onto any arm of our V. There are so many branches of the poly tree. Not everyone is the same. Even if the relationship is sim..Its still your own. And call it whatever you want to :D I call ours just family. J and his son become more family everyday. We are all going and doing things as a family. Your relationship and how you work it is yours alone.
As a helper on finding a partner. I found J on okcupid :) and theres also polymatchmaker Just be honest in your words and say this is what Im looking for. I talked to over 20 different people on there before I met with J.
And prolly could have talked to a ton more but found what I was looking for.

redpepper 06-29-2011 11:43 PM

Are you meeting people on a dating site? Or in real life?

On dating sites you can let people know EXACTLY what is going on for you before even meeting them, ie, "I am bi, married and looking for a bi woman to be a girlfriend in a poly-fi situation."

If not then I suppose you could just be cautious and do your best to not get invested until the woman knows exactly what is going on and agrees to it.

You do sound more poly-fi to me than anything else... what you seek does exist and is out there... I live in a more poly-fi situation for example... I live with two men, have a girlfriend and another boyfriend...

hellokitty 07-06-2011 06:45 PM

hey =) I'm in the situation you are describing. LTR with my bf of almost 5 years, had always had little "flings" with other girls but never relationships. Until last fall when one happened to blossom by surprise into full on love and serious relationship.

I have no desire for another partner. I never did (or realized I did) until she came along. Now that I think back on it though I realize I was never fully satisfied with just sleeping with girls, I always wanted more and felt like something was missing. I think this was more an issue with my sexuality than a poly issue. I haven't been attracted to any other men since I started dating my bf. I'm just not interested in them. I needed a relationship with a woman, the connection is *so* much different between two girls, and it suits me perfectly.

I've always identified as bisexual but I don't think I'll ever identify as poly. I struggle with the idea of it and even at the beginning was scared I was getting in over my head. I have a hard time with the idea of how being in two relationships will pan out (as this will always be a V, never a triad, gf is a lesbian.) I have a hard time picturing it working in aspects like living together, having a family, marriage etc. I feel so connected to both of them and want them both to be "primaries" if you will. Maybe it's something that gets easier over time. Maybe I have some things I'm unwilling to admit to myself. I guess just be ready for a lot of self exploration.

I also have gone through stages of acceptance with my lovers being with other girls. First couple yrs I was w bf - no way I would let him be with someone else. After a while I let him watch me and another girl, then let him join a little bit, then we had sex with another girl together, then I was okay with him being with her without me around and taking her out on dates. Things pushed past my limits then because of issues on her part and things came crashing down... Kind of hurt me and I let go a bit, all while my new relationship with gf grew. Now I am feeling much less possessive of him. I encourage him to flirt and pursue things with other girls. I guess I just want him to be satisfied because I fear I can't give him everything he needs...and I don't want to lose him in my life. I don't get very jealous because he makes me feel secure in his love for me and I also have gf to keep me confident that I'm desired. Gf on the other hand we've been dating less than a year so I am keeping her very close to me. It takes time to build trust. I'm extremely passionate about her too so I get more jealous thinking about her with someone else. I can see us being with another girl together (sexually) some day but not until I feel more secure. I don't think I'd ever be okay with her being involved romantically with someone else though out of fear of her leaving me.

As for finding a gf, if things go for you anything like they did for me, I found her when I stopped looking (I know, so cliche lolol.) Be honest with her and yourself and find one with an open mind. Take some girls out, make them feel special and let things happen naturally. Good luck.

nycindie 07-06-2011 10:25 PM

I don't understand what the problem is. Polyamory is simply the ability or desire to love more than one person intimately, with the full knowledge of all involved. The number of people you love, the configuration/dynamic of how you interrelate with your partners, your living situation, boundaries around sex, and whatever else you can dream of, is up to you.

Were you thinking that because you may want a polyamorous relationship you must be in a quad or have additional male lovers or something? I am confused by your confusion, I guess.


Originally Posted by hellokitty (Post 90326)
I've always identified as bisexual but I don't think I'll ever identify as poly.

You don't have to. I don't identify as poly; I see myself as simply a person who is open to polyamorous relationships, that's all.

River 07-06-2011 10:55 PM


Originally Posted by hellokitty (Post 90326)
I've always identified as bisexual but I don't think I'll ever identify as poly.

It seems to me that you're just too new to the discourse and culture of "poly" to
even begin to decide whether you want to identify with it or not. From where I sit, you're obviously polyamorous -- because you want to love more than one person at a time and have that all be honest and above board. But you don't have to get caught up in the label. And you can certainly be poly and have just two "romantic" loves. I do! I'm not really interested in a third!:) --though I'd love to have more very close friends ... and even snuggly ones!:D:p (Snuggles don't have to lead to sex, ya know.)

jas 07-07-2011 02:38 AM

I agree with nycindie, it is simply about being able to love more than one person intimately. As far as identity crisis goes: I've had an accelerated awakening process over the coarse of the last 3 yrs and have learned not to identify with any one group but to find my own identity in Being (I just am who I am). Groups give us counsel, support and the peace of knowing that other people "get me" or are "like me"or at least similar. Take a deep breath, accept where you are now, love the fact that you have an open-minded lover in your life and remain patient until your desires are fulfilled :)

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:30 PM.