Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Scared to be honest (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11580)

Tinyblu 06-29-2011 01:18 PM

Scared to be honest
 
So you guys know the...saga of me, my intro to poly, and my new guy's insistence that I get involved in group sex.

I've really been thinking, and the closer our next meeting gets, the more apprehensive I get. I just think it's going to be WAY TOO MUCH for me. I already know that I can't watch him have sex with anyone else significant in his life, but I am afraid that he's going to try to put me in a situation where there will be chances for random encounters, and I don't think I am ready for that.

The thing is, I REALLY like this guy. He's been mpre honest, consistent, attentive, affectionate, etc. than any other person I've ever been in a relationship with, and we really do have great times together (when it's just us). I understand his need to have relationships with other women, and it appears that he has a need to be involved in group sex, and if he needs to indulge that with someone else, I am OK with that as well...

But I'm afraid he's going to dump me if I tell him that I am not ready to be pushed into another possible group sex situation just yet. I'm not saying I won't ever come around (but I would like him to be OK with that if it becomes the case), but I hadn't even heard of polyamory until a couple of months ago (I think I've adjusted well), and I feel like group sex is a recurring theme..

The weird part is that I showed him a side of me that I didn't know existed before he really started pushing. I had had a few drinks and we were in a very sexually charged atmosphere and I connected with a beautiful woman and in my "altered" state told him it would be OK if he wanted to invite her back to the room with us. He didn't pursue that, but the next time we saw each other we had the unfortunate threesome incident.

So... what am I doing? I don't want him to think I am swinging back and forth (no pun intended), but I really don't want to be placed in a situation where I will be uncomfortable not only for my own sake but for the other people involved. I don't want to be the party pooper so to speak by sitting on the sidelines with that deer caught in headlights look on my face.

On the other hand, I am afraid that this is a requirement for him (he keeps saying it isn't, but he also keeps trying to place me in group sex scenarios)..

Am I not open minded enough for this?

I'm not even going to say I'm totally OPPOSED to entertaining a group sex situation down the road, I just feel like I am being pushed. I feel like he is taking the training wheels off too soon.

I don't want to lose this guy, but I don't want to compromise myself just for the sake of having him around either. What do I do??

GroundedSpirit 06-29-2011 02:29 PM

Tinyblu,

There's one important thing I think your BF may need to be aware of that he's missing - and I'd bring it up with him if you haven't already.

Pushing someone (even ourselves) into something before they are ready runs the risk of turning them against it when it might have gone the other way had they had the necessary time to ease into it at their own pace.

I think he's missing this with you.

You seem like you might very well find parts of group sex erotic but your basic personality is the type that you don't just jump at things quickly. He's thinking with his other head :)

GS

NeonKaos 06-29-2011 02:40 PM

I am like you in the sense that I can't watch someone I am involved with have sex with someone else. Group sex? It's all good. Been in threesome before with two other people who were married to each other. But I wig out and can't go through with it when I'm emotionally involved with one or both others. Maybe someday I'll feel different, but this is not something that I need to change for my partner(s). And neither should you. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel about it and you should tell your boyfriend (emphasis on the "boy" part of that term) to quit pushing it or quit you. There ARE other people out there for you to be involved with.

Anneintherain 06-29-2011 07:54 PM

I have all sorts of snarky stuff I want to say about this guy, especially as you seem to spend a lot of time thinking you want to break up with him but instead I'll just suggest you say something along this line to him. (BEFORE you get there, so he has time to let it sink in)

"I really like you, and you've seen I am not opposed to group sex, but I want to be the one to bring it up if it is going to happen. If you show me you respect this boundary of mine, I will feel much more comfortable exploring this with you in the future."

ViableAlternative 06-29-2011 09:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 89203)
I have all sorts of snarky stuff I want to say about this guy, especially as you seem to spend a lot of time thinking you want to break up with him but instead I'll just suggest you say something along this line to him. (BEFORE you get there, so he has time to let it sink in)

"I really like you, and you've seen I am not opposed to group sex, but I want to be the one to bring it up if it is going to happen. If you show me you respect this boundary of mine, I will feel much more comfortable exploring this with you in the future."

You might add, "If you DON'T respect this boundary, I will be less likely to consider group sex with you, and if pushed, may end our relationship entirely."

Or whatever else you might want/need to say.

You've mentioned that this guy has been nicer and more giving to you than any previous partners you've had, but I really feel like throwing the old 'other fish in the sea' cliche at you.... You really *deserve* to have what you need from a partner. Respect isn't so much to ask, and should be a cornerstone in any relationship. Don't let this guy - or anyone else - use you or fail to respect you.

nycindie 06-29-2011 10:02 PM

You were informed of this in your other thread, but I think it bears repeating since you say you think it is a "recurring theme" in polyamory : group sex is not automatically expected nor a requirement to be polyamorous. Repeat that over and over to yourself until it sinks in, because you don't seem to believe any of us that have said that to you. Polyamory simply means the ability to love more than one person. That doesn't mean all people involved are expected to be fucking in the same room together, and it doesn't even have to mean sex at all!

You are like the girl in high school who saw only the good things in the bad boy from the wrong side of the tracks who was stealing and setting things on fire. Everyone else could see he was trouble and not good for you, but that naive girl who just wanted affection and was flattered that he wanted her, kept focusing on how sensitive he was underneath it all, and how no one ever really saw his "nice side."

Over and over again, this guy has dismissed and disrespected your wishes. When will you stand up for what you want/need and realize that if you do so and it closes the door on this relationship, you make room for something better and much more respectful to come into your life?

The fact that you know you don't want it, and that you are afraid he will push you into it, is a huge red flag. Trust your intuition - he will probably push you. He is like a baby who only wants what he wants. I still say you should cancel the trip in order to send the message that you are an individual with your own needs, wants, and boundaries that must be respected. Then see what kind of tantrum he throws.

ViableAlternative 06-29-2011 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinyblu (Post 89140)
The weird part is that I showed him a side of me that I didn't know existed before he really started pushing. I had had a few drinks and we were in a very sexually charged atmosphere and I connected with a beautiful woman and in my "altered" state told him it would be OK if he wanted to invite her back to the room with us. He didn't pursue that, but the next time we saw each other we had the unfortunate threesome incident.

Might I also recommend remaining sober this trip? Or at least limiting consumption so you don't get even moderately intoxicated? I only suggest this because of the possibility of him pushing while your inhibitions are already artificially lowered, and possibly putting you in another bad situation.

Remember that drunken consent is NOT consent. YOUR drunken consent is not consent. That does extend to getting drunk with his other girlfriend and hopping into bed with her. Make sure your guy understands that, if it's important to you and might be a possibility.

nycindie 06-29-2011 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ViableAlternative (Post 89218)
Might I also recommend remaining sober this trip? Or at least limiting consumption so you don't get even moderately intoxicated?

^^ I second that! Would be a good eye-opener for you to observe his behavior when you have all your faculties together and are not under the influence of any substance.

River 06-29-2011 11:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tinyblu (Post 89140)
But I'm afraid he's going to dump me if I tell him that I am not ready to be pushed into another possible group sex situation just yet.

If he "dumped" you in this way, you're surely better off without him. The vibe I'm getting here is that the two of you need to work on establishing trust in yourselves and each other before proceeding with challenging way-out edges. If you say, "Honey, this doesn't feel safe, doesn't feel good, is not timely, isn't me...", and he doesn't embrace you with tenderness and understanding, he's not all he's being cracked up to be. So give yourself what you need. His "needs" are not more important than your own -- not in a loving relationship.

One more thing: Sex is overrated. In the context of loving relationships, sex is wonderful. But sex cannot quench the thirst of the heart. Loving can -- with and/or without sex.

We always must give ourselves love in the measure we're needing it, so we can open to sharing it with another unproblematically. Sometimes we have to declare our dignity and hope the other will take that as an opportunity to perceive it. And if they do not, love yourself enough to move on or change the situation somehow.

Tinyblu 06-29-2011 11:42 PM

Thanks everyone! These are all amazing responses and timely advice. I haven't decided totally not to go yet. I am going to wait and see what his response is to me voicing my feelings. I actually practiced what I was going to say to him while driving to work today and wrote down some points so I won't get sidetracked (kinda corny, but needed).

I'm definitely not going to drink if I do decide to go, and I really am realizing more and more that poly is about mutual respect and that there is a major difference between polyamory and just screwing around...

I REALLY appreciate everyone's valuable input. I am listening... most of the time....


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:21 AM.