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-   -   Primary partner- will I lose her? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1158)

IamWhoIam 11-08-2009 10:40 PM

Primary partner- will I lose her?
 
Hello peoples,
i've got a challenge. Some fresh perspective.. and some learned/experienced ones should help..
My live-in companion is finding my poly life very challenging. She oscillates between complete acceptance of this for herself to and for me.. and then total resistance and hatred for the lifestyle, and even contempt for it all.

I'm afraid I will lose her to depression and apathy.
She says she only wants me. Though for a couple of years now, I feel that she hasn't really placed any of the effort required to allow us to grow together and in the 'right' directions.
This lead to polyamory quite organically, as mind expanding technologies lead us to unique perspectives on our lives.
Some days it's as simple as remembering- "now is all there is. Im here, and im choosing". And other times its a shitstorm of hellfire and blame.

I think she grew up with some pretty dodgy imprints- 'women just clean and cook' etc.. and the goal of life is to have kids and me a housemum.
I rarely feel that we are peers, yet I love her to pieces and we live together quite harmoniously otherwise. We share a unique wordless awareness that has come from deep mediation and far-out experiences shared. But when it comes to communicating, its very tedious, abstract and three never seems to be resolution. Her brain seems to overload, resulting in defensiveness or 'whatever!' kind of thing.

This all sounds a lot about 'her'. Honestly, I keep thinking it is. I know im responsible in the way im relating to her.. but I feel big changes are needed in her life- for example, friends and a job that fulfills her purpose would be a nice start. Instead, it's a resignation to working for minimal wage and then blaming everything else on lack of money.

Yeah..
I'm open to any opinions on the subject. There's plenty more going, but this might be a good start if there are any advice gurus out there.

Many thanks
IamWhoIam

Ceoli 11-08-2009 11:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IamWhoIam (Post 11509)
My live-in companion is finding my poly life very challenging. She oscillates between complete acceptance of this for herself to and for me.. and then total resistance and hatred for the lifestyle, and even contempt for it all.

<snip>

Some days it's as simple as remembering- "now is all there is. Im here, and im choosing". And other times its a shitstorm of hellfire and blame.


If your partner is ok with your poly relationship some of the time and not ok other times, then your partner is not ok with your poly relationship. I don't really know what other things you're weighing in this, but personally, if I'm in a relationship where the fundamental goals are different, trying to keep it going is usually going to mean a shitstorm of drama and pain. Generally, I can try and work through it as much as possible, but experience has taught me that no amount of working through stuff like that is useful if two people have fundamentally different goals unless one party is ok with lying to themselves (and that's pretty unsustainable anyway).

Though that's only my perspective based on what you posted here, knowing that it's far from the full picture.

redpepper 11-09-2009 08:33 AM

It sounds as if she has lost sight of what paths to go on in her own life. Poly brings out EVERYTHING in life, perhaps her aversion to poly is to do with her own fear of taking on the challenge that is her own life... you are essentially pushing her to move forward in her life....whether it be out of fear or laziness that she hasn't already, not moving forward in life to the next place of happiness makes one depressed and apathetic.

Perhaps a long talk about what SHE wants to do with her life, will help you in yours in the form of setting some ground rules and boundaries for both of you to work with in terms of your need for poly.

IamWhoIam 11-15-2009 10:36 PM

Thanks guys.

I'd really like to explore more of how I am responsible in this situation.

We've done A LOT of growing together, but fairly consistently there has been a breakdown in our communication process. I hardly want to begin bitching all about her here, as i've invited her to register on the forum and get into some discussions and work some of her ideas and feelings through-
Because here's a nice example..
I sensed something was going on yesterday. I asked about this. Usually, I'm met with 'nothing- everythings fine, what do you mean?' At which point I basically use my intuition to pry deeper and insist on 'opening her' or I just walk away which leaves me feeling like I'v failed at my job (keeping and open heart with my partner)
Anyway, I keep at it and am offered the words 'I just don't think I wan to holiday with you anymore'. I've pointed out, that as a beginning communication- that this is the kind of thing that incites reactions and fear and perpetuates a distance between us. Ultimately, it boiled down to her simply needing a period of 'just us' where she felt I was totally for her and not providing my support to anyone else. (A totally realistic expectation to have on a week long holiday away)
So yeah,
as objective as I can be, I often notice how we (ahem, 'HER/SHE') could be doing things a lot better- I'm often saying things like 'remember to use your words', or rather regulalry I simply reply to her with 'squeak' because she is speaking so quietly, under her breath or to herself that I simply can't hear her which kind of makes communicating redundant.

She feels that I blame her a lot, or that I say mean things.
Can this simply happen when someone is being unreservedly honest? When someone is sharing what they identify as challenges to overcome?

Perhaps she was ok with poly and then changed her mind?
It seems absolutely true, that 'poly brings everything out'. It has highlighted our own life directions or lack thereof, just how our communication needs improving, and how much she was living for others- always going along with things, trying make everyone else happy, feeling she snt allowed her own assertions, etc.

So yeah, im kinda venting- but would also love to hear how I might take more responsibility and not have it 'all be about her'. Because even if thats true, it places such massive blocks to working anything out- that I still want it to work out, but need a better way.

Hope this making more sense
Thanks

redpepper 11-15-2009 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by IamWhoIam (Post 12135)
She feels that I blame her a lot, or that I say mean things.
Can this simply happen when someone is being unreservedly honest? When someone is sharing what they identify as challenges to overcome?

Yes it is possible to be honest and not tactful or blunt. I certainly struggle with this and work hard towards empathizing before I speak. Perhaps if you ask her how she would prefer to be spoken to so as to not be triggered? My husband I do this often as our minds think very differently and sometimes I say things that he becomes triggered by and visa versa. I quite often ask him to back up and tell me something or ask something with a different tone or approach. I remember to be patient that he doesn't know me and can't read my mind and is trying to be respectful of my feelings. He deserves to be told how I need to hear things sometimes.


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