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-   -   Im poly dating a mono.. Hmmm help? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1157)

Nzlovergirl 11-08-2009 03:07 AM

Im poly dating a mono.. Hmmm help?
Ok, so, my husband and I have been in a poly relationship for at least the last two years. He has a wonderful girlfriend and I have recently started seeing a guy.

I realised very early on that I have very strong feelings for this man, and him for me and I let him know how i felt.
Now to be clear: he has known me for 2+ years as his employee. He knows im married ,he has met my husband (a couple of years ago). I made it clear that my husband and I have a very firm, stable and poly relationship. I dont like to lable things but if I had to, my husband is my primary partner. I would say this because I live with him, we pool our finances, and we have a mortgage together.

Now, my problem is this: my boyfriend is trying to come to terms with the fact that he has to share me. I am well aware that he feels that he is monogamous. he knows I am not, and we try to understand this about eachother.

I love him and I continue to feel new wonderous feelings for him with each passing day which I share with him as much as possible. But he gets very jealous at the idea that I have a husband. He says:
The guy? Hes great! under different circumstance we could be friends. We have similar interests. But the husband? I hate him and he is the enemy.

I almost cried when he told me this last night. I dont expect them to be bestest buddies, but I had hoped that they could meet and get to know eachother. So that my boyf can understand that I love my husband very much and yet, I love him too.

He said to me last night: Im concerned about you driving home tonight, after all this talking (it was 2am). How about you stay here tonight and go home in the morning?

I said no. That would upset my husband as he has not seen me since friday. I will go home.

He then went on to say that he did not understand how I can say I love him and need him in my life and yet walk out the door. I tried to explain its because I love my husband and I dont want to hurt him.

My boyf also made comments asking me whether I wanted him to have 'half' a relationship. While I udnerstand where he is coming from, we have only been dating for four months or so. We are in the early stages. We're not at the stage, i dont feel, where I would consider spending all week with him, nor moving in together.. We're just not there yet! so even if I could, i dont feel ready for that..

Half a relationship? Does anyone else understand this? perhaps you can word it a bit more appropriately for me as I dont feel i fully understand it...

I think im just looking for some advice from poly's dating monos.. or even some mono's out there.. IYKWIM :o

EDITED to say: Oh, and I am in more of a polyfidelitous relationship and am not looking to change this any time soon.. :)

Rarechild 11-08-2009 03:27 AM

There is something very sweet and vulnerable about your post. You seem to be trying to take it all in stride and I applaud you for your wish to understand these people in your life.

I think it's safe to say that anyone when first dealing with the concepts of poly, has a hard time rearranging their thought pattens , because it goes against what most of us have been taught.

I think most people are more comfortable with extra-marital affairs than they are with polyamory because with a secret affair, there is that ownership, to share your own universe- feel like you're the only one if even for a few hours at an opportune time.

Oh, look! I've made it about me now. :)

I don't have much experience but I've lived a few years, and the adjustment is just a difficult one- life-changing, in fact. A catalyst for all of your fears and social programming. Give it time. It seems you are willing to ride out the curve and teach through your actions.


Nzlovergirl 11-08-2009 03:39 AM

thank you for your reply Rarechild.. :)

I guess I am really trying to be patient, and help him learn about how I love others and that he is one that has grabbed a piece of my heart..

I am comitted to working through it with him and also my husband. Im jsut lost as he doesnt understand alot of what i say in terms of how i can love him and my hubby.. I think he is rather possessive and wants me to himself, but knows that this cannot be. Hence, the half a relationship comment??

nikkiana 11-08-2009 07:43 PM

This sort of situation is always difficult and heartwrenching. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through it right now.

I think the key question I'd be asking your boyfriend right now is "Are you willing to take ownership and work through your jealousy?" If the answer is yes, it's possible to work through these things and have things be successful. It'll take work, but it's possible. If the answer is no, it's probably best to say "I'm sorry, this isn't going to work" and move on.

How much would you say your boyfriend knows about polyamory as a subject in general? Has he done any reading on the subject or is what he knows based solely on what you've told him? I think a good step may be to try to encourage him to do some research on his own about polyamory and say that you're available if he has questions.

Nzlovergirl 11-08-2009 08:27 PM

He is trying to work through his jealousys on his own and I know that he is in a state of denial over it all. In terms of his knowledge? He refuses to read anything on the topic.

I was talking to him last night and he said that its hard because normally you have an idea of what to do at certain milestones and situations because in society its ingrained or you can simply ask a friend or family member for help. For him, he says, he never knows to ask until the situation comes up.

He says that right now its a glass half full situation and he is willing to just take it one day at a time..

MonoVCPHG 11-09-2009 05:49 AM

If your boyfriend does not respect your husband....leave him. Based on what he has said I don't see him coming to grips with sharing you with anyone. He is mono wanting a mono girlfriend. He will probably push more and more.

I saw one of Redepepper's ex Lover's less than respectful interaction with her husband and it drove me insane. I couldn't understand why she would give so much of herself to someone who didn't respect him as much as I did. I realize this was my perception of it but regardless it hurt me.

I'm not Redpepper's husband...I'm the boyfriend and this kind of situation pushes buttons in me that I can't fully explain....other than saying I want to shake people and tell them to show thier spouses the respect they deserve and dump anyone who speaks disrespectful of them. I'm tired of hearing "but my heart wants this"...show some respect, imagine how you would feel if you were the spouse being spoken of this way and be an adult. Set boundries, accept reality, and explain it to your other partners...if they can't handle it, move on.

If I ever show disrespect towards Redpepper's husband I hope someone steps in and gives me the ass kicking I deserve..before she dumps me. This fucking annoys me.

MonoVCPHG 11-09-2009 07:12 AM


Originally Posted by Nzlovergirl (Post 11495)

Half a relationship? Does anyone else understand this? perhaps you can word it a bit more appropriately for me as I dont feel i fully understand it...


Half a relationship - Here's my take on a person entering an established marriage, especially one involving a married person.

If the "additional" person has not experienced things like marriage, having kids, buying a house, family events, holidays and whatever with their own partner/family then they will feel as though they are missing something. Why? Because they won't get to experience all these things to the same extent as they would in a traditional relationship. It will be different.

The best mono to enter a poly relationship is one who has experienced a fair bit of life and who respects everyone in the dynamic. Someone who hasn't gotten to experience all the things associated with a traditional mongamous relationship will probably wonder what it would be like. There is a difference...I come from a long term traditional relationship, bought all the stuff usually associated with success, raised a child to the teen years and then entered a polyfidelous relationship.

redpepper 11-09-2009 07:17 AM

I would have to agree with Mono... although I am probably a little less passionate about it :D (love that you are so protective babes!)

It is a bit of a red flag if he won't do some of his own digging on what poly is and has the attitude he has... it sounds like he is not getting his needs met by the whole 1/2 relationship comment and instead of negotiating with you and your husband is being a little boy and demanding he get more.

I know how much time it takes to have more than one relationship! There is no time for anyone to be demanding and childish. If they can't deal with it properly then I would have to agree, it's time to say goodbye and find someone who is respectful to you and your husbands needs and is willing to negotiate. Of course if you put this to him, he may rise to the occasion and change his ways.... especially if you talk about moving on.

It sounds a little bit like he is giving you an ultimatum... him or your husband. Perhaps he hasn't bothered finding out about poly because he thought by now you would want to leave your husband for him...?

Too bad he won't come on here.... Mono has written a lot on this topic and would certainly express his some hard earned wisdom!

Nzlovergirl 11-09-2009 08:56 PM

I know I posted him a link to one of Mono's writings and he did read it.. I feel that perhaps he has blinkers on to be honest.

In terms of disrespect: he does not disrespect my husband. He jsut does not talk about him and when i do, he listens and says nothing.

He is not pushing me to leave as he knows that I am deeply committed to my husband but I will not just give up on this man over a few problems. It took me six months originally to get used to and lose my socially constructed monogamous veiws to become the many loving woman I am today.

So, telling me to leave him is not the way to go peoples :) Though I understand you are passionate about it, the way your relationship is working and your ability to feel compersion? Is not where my bf is at just yet. This is new to him. He is only 26 and this is his first relationship (serious).

He says he is willing to work through it. I have mentioned that it is starting to frustrate me, and he is slowly realising why, but I know that these things take time.

So i thank you for your views mono :) Please, think a little more outside the box for me though as I refuse to give up as I will not lose another love this year!! (if i do? its number three... :confused: )

MonoVCPHG 11-09-2009 09:07 PM


Originally Posted by Nzlovergirl (Post 11549)
In terms of disrespect: he does not disrespect my husband. He jsut does not talk about him and when i do, he listens and says nothing.)

Sorry but I was going off your previous statement which said "But the husband? I hate him and he is the enemy"

To me that is disrespect of the highest order. I'm sorry if this is not what he actually said. He is young and this is his first serious relationship and it's poly? I'm sorry again, but I see a lot of warnings here. Even if he manages to get over his internal issues he'll have to deal with a lot of external ones related to peer pressure and disaproval.

You're in a tuff spot but I wish you well.

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