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-   -   so, if I ask my husband and lover to join me here... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1149)

polymusing 11-06-2009 11:58 PM

so, if I ask my husband and lover to join me here...
 
what has been people's experience with that? Has it been a good thing? So-so? Not good?

I just joined this week and it was suggested that I have my husband come and read here. I am contemplating it - but I have some concerns (besides the one I mentioned before - there are a lot of "problems" being mentioned - and I know that's the nature of the forum beast).

Okay, it's funny, as soon as I start typing my concern, I can hear responses already - my first one was going to be - what about being able to speak freely and openly - but that's my goal, right? I know I have a lot of work to do along these lines with my husband (he comes from a long line of "no need to talk about its"). Maybe having him come and read (and maybe just maybe post himself???) would help that. But I'm afraid I would edit/censor what I say if I knew for sure he was reading (that's just me and I don't like that but it's what I do).

My lover (that's how I've started thinking of him even though it's just emotional right now) has expressed interest in joining me here. He has his own questions. I would like that, but I almost feel like I should invite both of them at the same time. Is that necessary? Is that just me wanting to control things? Sometimes I think too much.

redsirenn 11-07-2009 12:18 AM

I'd just tell them about it. Say you wouldn't mind if they joined... then it is up to them. I told Ouroboros about it, he knows who I am on here, and it doesn't censor me one bit. But, he chose to not participate - that's his own way to deal with stuff.

rolypoly 11-07-2009 12:28 AM

Sometimes we know the answers we're seeking, but it helps to just see/hear it from ourselves or others. It certainly helps me to externalize things. Makes them feel less trapped inside me.

I was friends with a guy for a couple years. He and I were pretty flirty with each other. Finally, one day I went for a walk with him and told him that I was attracted to him, but didn't do monogamy very well and didn't want to be "serious" with him. I said that my boyfriend was fine with whatever I did with other men. He never gave me a response and I didn't hear from him again, so that was that. I felt sad that it severed our friendship, but at least I took the risk. I think I scared him. :(

Anyway, you never know until you do it.

LovingRadiance 11-07-2009 02:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polymusing (Post 11418)
what has been people's experience with that? Has it been a good thing? So-so? Not good?

I just joined this week and it was suggested that I have my husband come and read here. I am contemplating it - but I have some concerns (besides the one I mentioned before - there are a lot of "problems" being mentioned - and I know that's the nature of the forum beast).

Okay, it's funny, as soon as I start typing my concern, I can hear responses already - my first one was going to be - what about being able to speak freely and openly - but that's my goal, right? I know I have a lot of work to do along these lines with my husband (he comes from a long line of "no need to talk about its"). Maybe having him come and read (and maybe just maybe post himself???) would help that. But I'm afraid I would edit/censor what I say if I knew for sure he was reading (that's just me and I don't like that but it's what I do).

My lover (that's how I've started thinking of him even though it's just emotional right now) has expressed interest in joining me here. He has his own questions. I would like that, but I almost feel like I should invite both of them at the same time. Is that necessary? Is that just me wanting to control things? Sometimes I think too much.

I invited Maca (husband) and GreenGecko (boyfriend) to come here if they so pleased. GG was pretty adamant that he really does not have time (no argument in that department). He posted once when I pointed out that a question was raised in a way really only he could answer (about our situation). Maca popped on, started reading and found himself THRILLED to have unrelated people who he could talk with.

He was NOT impressed with the poly thing when it was him and I talking-but reading here has totally impressed upon him how HIS attitude was making things harder for himself and how changing how he dealt with things could make things run smoothly. It also showed him how other people we know are screwing up their monogomous relationships!

I do have to force myself sometimes to "just write it!" because I FEEL like sensoring my words sometimes, but less with each passing week. :)

polymusing 11-07-2009 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 11427)

He was NOT impressed with the poly thing when it was him and I talking-but reading here has totally impressed upon him how HIS attitude was making things harder for himself and how changing how he dealt with things could make things run smoothly. It also showed him how other people we know are screwing up their monogomous relationships!

This is one of the reasons FOR inviting him (husband) in my mind - I'm sure he's never had a conversation about even the concept of poly, much less as a part of his own life with anyone but me (and he had a kneejerk reaction "I've never been interested in that"). I know that many people I know would think I am screwing up my monogamous relationship - but my love for both is strong and something's gotta give - I don't want this to be tragic. I don't believe it has to be.

So now I have to figure out when and how I'm going to ask.

sea 11-09-2009 04:57 AM

Okay, it's funny, as soon as I start typing my concern, I can hear responses already - my first one was going to be - what about being able to speak freely and openly - but that's my goal, right? I know I have a lot of work to do along these lines with my husband (he comes from a long line of "no need to talk about its"). Maybe having him come and read (and maybe just maybe post himself???) would help that. But I'm afraid I would edit/censor what I say if I knew for sure he was reading (that's just me and I don't like that but it's what I do).

Seems to me you should have your husband and lover at least read on here!

In order for a poly relationship, or any relationship for that matter to thrive, it needs a honest base. If you would feel the need to edit/censor your thoughts and feelings, you need more open and honest discussion. Sugar coating your feelings for your husbands or lovers benefit serves no purpose other than possible deception. Speak freely and honestly but be open to listening to their feelings and concerns. Hell, you may be suprised and find they are thinking along the same lines!

Enjoy the explorations!

polymusing 11-09-2009 11:40 AM

Yeah, I know - and I'm wanting an honest base - and I feel like I have one with my lover (still feels strange to call him that) - but my husband and I have so many years of not dishonesty, but of putting off unpleasantness, that it's hard and scary - but I'm working in that direction. I may post one of my fears on another thread somewhere.

I have a tendency to second-guess myself a lot - am I doing something because I "need to" or because I "want to"? And does it really matter? I'm doing that thing I do - spin the various scenarios in my head (most of them negative) to the point where I don't act ... out of fear. My own internal fear. Somehow I have to get past that. I know I've done it before with painful stuff (including telling my husband about this man) - so I guess I must do it again.

Yes, I told my husband about my feelings and thoughts. It was not pleasant. But in the end it was good because we talked honestly. But we've dropped the subject. He's not the type to talk easily - and I feel bad about "forcing" him to look at this - this situation and this forum.

Yeah, I'm still confused.

redsirenn 11-09-2009 06:32 PM

hey -
This is almost exactly how i feel sometimes. I waffle back and forth about what I want, etc, and if it is good for me to go forward with this. One thing that I just realized is that once I start talking about it, the fears kind've melt away.

It is soooooo nice to know that Ouroboros isn't hiding something from me, that when we are happy, we are totally open, and just in the past week of talking the time we spend together is even more appreciated.

It is a great feeling. Maybe you will discover this as well, once you hop over the hurdle of just being afraid to talk? There are many steps, but that first one can provide you with great rewards.

good luck.

polymusing 11-10-2009 02:15 AM

Well, I think I will probably take the plunge and invite them to read here and post if they wish to. I have no idea how it will go.

There's a part of me that is really scared. That wishes all this would just go away. Life would be so much easier. But it won't. My feelings are what they are and I can't see ... giving up on this, turning my back on the possibility of something I've wanted for a good portion of my life. A love I've known (in my heart if not my head) was there is finally being revealed to me. I know I would regret "not trying" for the rest of my days. So I must try.

PickMoreDaisies 11-10-2009 04:11 AM

For me, though I rarely post, I find that leaving pages open sparks very meaningful conversations between myself and my primary. He hasn't signed up or posted but he often browses on here. I think that it is always refreshing to see other points of view even if they often contain struggles. Even if they don't post it can be helpful...currently going through a breakup has seen me sitting here reading posts constantly to get perspective. Also there is nothing that I could say here that I wouldn't say in person...:)


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