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-   -   The scariest and safest thing I've done... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11455)

ClosetPoly 06-26-2011 12:00 PM

The scariest and safest thing I've done...
 
I took a giant leap of faith this morning, trusting myself for the first time in my life.

Last night, we had a friend over and we talked a lot about the situation. He is very monogamous, like me, and in a way argued my case to my partner. I think this really helped her open up more and say things she wouldn't have, out of fear of hurting me more. I learned a few new things, and for the first time in this I saw a flicker of honesty on her face when she told me that I control her relationship with her boyfriend. I have set rules, they have obliged, I have moved them, they have gratiously accepted, been thankful and moved on. The flicker of honesty on her face though, showed how much this hurts her.
This morning, I had a dream where I was drowning in a river (my own metaphors coming back to haunt me) and she was standing on the bank. I reached out for help, but all I heard her saying was "you control this relationship", and I sank deeper. Now, I'm not saying this was a particularly spiritual moment, but I woke up feeling dishonest and cruel. How can I move forward when I have one foot on the brake, and one on the accelerator, both stomping like there's no tomorrow?
The last thing I read on the forum yesterday was the quote "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours, if not, it never was.".
This morning I told my partner I'm setting her free. No rules, no boundaries but her own, she is free to be what she is. I have my own boundaries, and will respect them. Those who have read my earlier ramblings might know the setting of our relationship, the upside-down'ness of it, where my partner experienced deep and true love with him before they even got to touch or kiss each other. In that sense, the scary and truly dangerous part is already out in the open, their deep love. I do however see that I have kept a tether on the bird's leg, and this morning I cut that off. It was the scariest thing I've done so far, and at the same time it has really increased my peace inside, and made me even prouder of myself. I know that for every step from here on in, I can pat my own back, and it'll feel true. And every time my fantastic partner, and her amazing boyfriend says "thank you for giving us this", it'll be true and real, and I can take it to heart.

I know I have soooo much work ahead of me, and much pain, but I finally feel like I'm treating my partner as an equal, truly respecting her for what she is and finally treating myself as her equal. I can in time start expecting things and make demands, as can she. This is now hers, not mine. We had a really good 3some-day thursday, as I have mentioned in another post, and it made me feel hope. It made me want something more out of life.

Now, if anyone can invent an anti-NRE spray, I'll douse them both, so that we can move on. :-) I owe my life to this forum, the help I've received have been amazing, I cannot imagine what this would've been like without you people around me. Thank you!

Magdlyn 06-26-2011 12:10 PM

That's great, CP. I read where you told them they could kiss, and I thought, how frustrating! How deep of a kiss? How long can it last? Where are the hands allowed to go? I'd find that incredibly frustrating, the kissing only rule.

It's great your friend helped you get some insight and take the plunge into trust.

ClosetPoly 06-26-2011 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 88620)
That's great, CP. I read where you told them they could kiss, and I thought, how frustrating! How deep of a kiss? How long can it last? Where are the hands allowed to go? I'd find that incredibly frustrating, the kissing only rule.

Well, technically, I just removed kissing from the rule, leaving sex. So, no definition of kissing, just that it was allowed. Sex was easily defined as anything that can get you pregnant, transmit an STD or lead to orgasm. Very simple definition. But all gone now. Except for the pregnancy and STD of course. Very big no-fly zones still. :) And I know that my partner will make sure it's safe and protect both herself and me. I do expect him to be tested and have a clean bill of health, of course. As I said, I can start making demands and expectations. :)

Magdlyn 06-26-2011 12:27 PM

Demands sounds a bit concerning. What do you imagine you'd "demand?"

I like the use of the term, "hard limit." We all have some. My only hard limit with my gf is that she not spend an overnight with a lover unless I know in advance it's happening. Just because I worry when she's out and I am not sure she is safe. I always get those "dead in a ditch by the side of the road" worries.

ClosetPoly 06-26-2011 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 88628)
Demands sounds a bit concerning. What do you imagine you'd "demand?"

When it comes to her eventually having sex, all I demand is that she takes necessary steps to protect herself and me. We are not even close to them spending a night together, much less having sex yet, but by removing myself from that equation, I give her back control over her life. She's not controlled directly by me, but rather by how she feels about pushing her own boundaries, and balancing that against how much pain I might be in at that particular point in time.

Realistically I will never move along a linear path and go "Now, NOW you can have sex" and then a week later "NOW you can spend the night". I realise that's *really* not how this works.
Down the line, further than just the month we've been doing this, some days I might be fine with it, some I won't be and when I'm not, I can tell her how I feel. She'll know then that she can have it her way some days, others not. Just like anything else in a relationship.

Magdlyn 06-26-2011 01:49 PM

Interesting. When my ex and I first opened our marriage back in 1999, and we'd found a woman we were interested in, I wanted him and her to fuck asap. Just take the plunge and see how it felt. I was fine with their having full on sex... it was their overwhelming emotional intimacy and NRE that threw me for a loop. God, I was so naive.

TruckerPete 06-26-2011 02:16 PM

CP, that's a great step for you!

I would also like to recommend you change your use of the word demand. I find myself reacting poorly to you saying demand, even though your demand (safer sex) is completely reasonable. It's amazing the effect that language has on us, and certainly your partner will be no exception.

Keep up the great work! You have come so far!! :D



Psst ... When will we meet your partner? ;)

ClosetPoly 06-26-2011 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 88645)
CP, that's a great step for you!
I would also like to recommend you change your use of the word demand. I find myself reacting poorly to you saying demand, even though your demand (safer sex) is completely reasonable. It's amazing the effect that language has on us, and certainly your partner will be no exception.

I absolutely agree in general, but again, in this specific matter, it's a go/no-go, absolute 0/1 for me, and I know it is for my partner too. I don't have to tell her specifically, she knows and agrees, and most likely reads it here too. :-)

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 88645)
Keep up the great work! You have come so far!! :D
Psst ... When will we meet your partner? ;)

Thank you! :)

She has a registered user here, and she reads all my posts, but so far remains incognito and lurking in the shadows. This has been a good place for me to flail, and for her to read things I can't necessarily explain face to face. Not to mention she can read what others answer.
I think she would get a lot out of this, talking to people in *exactly* her situation, but the first step takes a lot of guts. I do however know she has the guts for it, she proved that when she told me she loved her boyfriend, knowing deep inside that I would kick her out and break up.
If she wants to pop her beautiful head out and say hello, she's always welcome to in my threads, particularly when you guys ask for her. :-D

ClosetPoly 06-26-2011 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 88640)
Interesting. When my ex and I first opened our marriage back in 1999, and we'd found a woman we were interested in, I wanted him and her to fuck asap. Just take the plunge and see how it felt. I was fine with their having full on sex... it was their overwhelming emotional intimacy and NRE that threw me for a loop. God, I was so naive.

I can totally understand that. For me, it's a really mixed up flipside roundabout kind of setup, because my partner had this wall of emotions for him already, and he was probably taken aback a bit, when she told him, but he has as far as I know reciprocated in every way, and seems to be in this with the intention to share his life with her, and me, and THEN they got to kiss. :) So, the physical stuff, what usually comes first, comes last here. NRE is totally intense and overwhelming, yes, but it can be handled in small doses, if you get to. It takes two fantastic and willing people to do it, and they are and do.

VanillaCrazyCake 06-26-2011 03:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ClosetPoly (Post 88654)
If she wants to pop her beautiful head out and say hello, she's always welcome to in my threads, particularly when you guys ask for her. :-D

Hi everybody. I'm kinda shy so I've been lurking on the forum, paying particular attention to ClosetPoly's posts, but I haven't wanted to butt in. However, after an invitation like one above I felt I had to at least say hi :)

I'm astounded and proud by how CP is handling all this. As he said, when I told him how I felt about his best friend I truly expected him to kick me out. I'm so glad he didn't. <3


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