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-   -   reasonable or control freak? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1144)

CaptZebra 11-05-2009 07:44 PM

reasonable or control freak?
 
My partner is planning to spend time with someone new, which is fine. I have several requests for her and I wondering if I could get some input as to whether or not these are reasonable things to ask for:

I would like for her to be home no later than (still thinking)...
I would like to know when she will be home and I would like for her to come home at that time...
I would not like for her to call and ask me if I mind her staying out later...

Are these requests reasonable? Do I need to have a good reason as to why I am asking for these things? Is it important that I share my reasons (of course, I will tell her if she asks)?

The first two are things that I ask for when she goes out with friends, though I am usually very flexible. I'm not sure why it feels so different to ask for these things now.

These are definitely requests... not tells or ultimatums. I am willing to discuss them further if she doesn't feel like she these are requests she can honor, though I don't know whether or not I'll feel any differently.

Any thoughts?

Thanks,
CZ

PS. Out of curiosity, do you think the reason for making a request affects whether or not it is reasonable? Are there some requests that are always reasonable and always unreasonable?

Fidelia 11-05-2009 08:17 PM

Going on the assumption that we're talking about a relationship between consenting adults:

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptZebra (Post 11273)
Do I need to have a good reason as to why I am asking for these things?

YES

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptZebra (Post 11273)
Is it important that I share my reasons . . . ?

YES


Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptZebra (Post 11273)
Out of curiosity, do you think the reason for making a request affects whether or not it is reasonable?

YES

MonoVCPHG 11-05-2009 08:39 PM

[QUOTE=CaptZebra;11273]
I would like for her to be home no later than (still thinking)...
I would like to know when she will be home and I would like for her to come home at that time...
I would not like for her to call and ask me if I mind her staying out later...

Are these requests reasonable?
QUOTE]

YES

redpepper 11-06-2009 07:25 AM

These were all requests asked of me from my husband when I dated. They are requests that I have heard other poly couples have also. They are completely reasonable and normal requests to have in my opinion.

LovingRadiance 11-06-2009 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptZebra (Post 11273)
Are these requests reasonable? Do I need to have a good reason as to why I am asking for these things? Is it important that I share my reasons (of course, I will tell her if she asks)?


PS. Out of curiosity, do you think the reason for making a request affects whether or not it is reasonable? Are there some requests that are always reasonable and always unreasonable?

Reasonable for me, sure.
Reasonable for my husband-not so much.
Reasonable for you/her hell if I know.

Yes you need a good reason to make these requests. Every request should have good reason.

Yes you need to share WHY. If you don't share why she is more likely to inadvertently break the HEART of the rule even if she doesn't break the ACTUAL rule and that would make the rule pointless.

The reason certainly affects whether or not it's reasonable. If I request you to crawl every time you enter my house because I'm bored-that's not reasonable. If I ask you to crawl every time you enter my house because it will protect you from certain injury-that is perfectly reasonable.

Your last question I have to think too hard to answer tonight. I need to hit the hay.

ladyjools 11-06-2009 12:31 PM

im curious why you need these requests is it fear for her saftey, you don't want to sit up worrying about her, or is it becuase you don't like the idea of her spending the night with someone else?

personally i would actually hate those requests made on me, i usually come home whenever i want, if i choose to stay out then i stay out, as long as I let my other partner know that i am safe and not to expect me home that seems to be ok,
i like to be spontanious and having those kinds of restrictions would limit that
also it would make me feel like im being treated like a child,

that is just my opinion and my relationships are unique to me so im not saying that you are being unreasonable only how i would feel if my own partner(s) started making requests like that to me

Jools

ramfish 11-06-2009 02:09 PM

Life can get pretty crazy and trying to impose a curfew on adults does feel a little demeaning. You might want to just have this converstaion with her, letting her know that you would like to see her every night, but you can't treat it like a mandatory checking in sort of thing. It should be just mutual.

If you need to know where she is so you don't worry, then tell her that. If you need to know where she is because you would rather she be home with you at all times and you need to know when she's going to be back...it's something else entirely.

For us we just talk all the time. We tell each other where we're going, how long we'll be gone (if we know) and what we're doing. I do it out of respect for my husband, because I think he deserves to know what I'm up to. ;)

MonoVCPHG 11-06-2009 03:11 PM

I think the important thing is that you are delving back into waters you have been out of for a long time. To ask for these boundaries to ease back into sharing the person your love is completely understandable IMO. I would find it hard to believe that your partner would take issue in looking after the person she has loved for so long by being very accomodating at the inception of a new relationship.
To do otherwise perpetuates the selfish aspect of poly in my opinion.

BigGuy 11-06-2009 03:27 PM

It seems to me that these are trust building requests. In other words, you are trying to find out if is she going to do what she says she is going to do?

Change can be scary, and can make anybody with an emotional investment cringe. This is an area of your relationship in which she has not yet had the opportunity to earn your trust.

I don't think these are unreasonable requests for the beginning start of a new relationship.

redpepper 11-06-2009 04:51 PM

I would wonder what it was about if I was given a curfew in my ESTABLISHED relationships now. But we are talking beginnings and helping partners feel comfortable. Out of respect a discussion on checking in and what time I will be home is perfectly acceptable and I wouldn't see this as being treated as a child at all. If my husband thought I was treating as a child for wanting to know where he is and when he will be home, I would be very hurt and concerned that there were bigger issues going on that warrent far more discussion.


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