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-   -   My Girlfriend is Breaking Up with her Girlfriend, Help me (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1140)

jakelly 11-05-2009 05:06 PM

My Girlfriend is Breaking Up with her Girlfriend, Help me
 
So I'm very new to polyamory. I am in a relationship with a woman who was already in a relationship with another woman for three years. We fell in love while the other partner was studying abroad (red flag maybe?), but everything was discussed every step of the way. They were already open about being polyamorous, so after some open communication, my girlfriend made it clear she wanted to consider us as two equal partners. The other partner and I are good friends, spend lots of time together, including one night a week both sleeping at our girlfriend's house.

My girlfriend recently told me she is considering leaving the other woman. She says she doesn't think they'd be together if my presense had not reminded the other woman that she wanted to stay with her, and that she is finding that she needs me more often than her. I've tried to help her consider the possibility that she is just reacting to new relationship energy, that whatever minor things are weak in their relationship are just shining too brightly in me, or something like that. I love her, and I want to be with her, but I don't want to advise her to leave the other woman, that feels dishonest and biased. I want her to be happy, and can't advise her. I'm afraid that if I do, and she leaves her, then down the road, I'll be the one resented as the homewrecker.

Someone please help, everyone else I know has no basis of comparison.

NeonKaos 11-05-2009 05:27 PM

I don't have advice for you, but I just wanted to let you know people ARE reading your post and someone will have something helpful to say.

Besides that, it's refreshing to read because we don't see this type of question very often on this forum.

I hope it all works out for the best.

Tahirabs 11-05-2009 05:59 PM

?help?
 
The only advice I can give you is to maybe suggest to your girldfriend a time period to wiat and see how things are going. During this time period she could, if she wanted to, make a list of reasons she has wanted to be with this women and reasons why she now wants to leave her. If she thinks things through during htis time period (and it should be more than a week or two in my opionion) than maybe she will relize what she really wants (what ever that is) and not make a hasty decission like you are afread she will. Hope this helps. :o
Signed,
T

MonoVCPHG 11-05-2009 06:11 PM

The only question I would raise is about the nature of your girlfriend. Perhaps she is more serial monogamous than poly? Has she had successful poly relationships in the past?
It's easy to say I am poly, but until someone has been in a successful multi-partner relationship who knows. Is this a cycle of one new relationship replacing the older with a brief overlap?
Pehaps your girlfriend need sto look inward for awhile.

No one wants to be the homewrecker..trust me, I know that concern and regardless of what people say, externally that is what it will look like.

Take care

AutumnalTone 11-05-2009 07:14 PM

Poly relationships are no different than any other--they form, prosper, and may dissolve. Your girlfriend is correct in that her relationship with her girlfriend may have dissolved had you not appeared.

The only things I'd suggest are these:

First, get them together to talk about it. Yeah, it's that open communication thing. It still applies when it appears a relationship is dissolving. Indeed, it's as critical in the last stages of a relationship as in any other part. Negotiating a breakup is like negotiating any other part of a relationship.

Second, you're dealing with two people who will need support. Unless one of them has done something dastardly, it's best not to take sides. One is your lover who will be dealing with some grief. The other is a friend who will be dealing with some grief. Find a way to support each of them and steadfastly refuse to take sides in the matter.

Ceoli 11-05-2009 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 11261)
The only question I would raise is about the nature of your girlfriend. Perhaps she is more serial monogamous than poly?

What makes you think that?

MonoVCPHG 11-05-2009 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 11270)
What makes you think that?

Simply that she may not have had other poly relationships. If she has never known what it was to maintain two functioning relationships, than perhaps she is in fact not poly at all. Perhaps she acted poly but is actually more serial monogamous. What's her history? Is this the first time she experienced "trying" to maintain a multiple partner relationship?

Some people say they are monogamous when they aren't, some people say they are poly when they aren't.

Fidelia 11-05-2009 07:48 PM

This can be a really sticky situation. Handle with care. And love. And respect.

Really. That's my advice.

It's not your responsibility to patch up your SO's relationship with her OSO, or to gird your loins for a big break-up battle. It's your responsibility to meet the situation in a direct, loving, compassionate manner, with care and respect for all parties.

Ultimately, the responsibility for the state of their relationship rests with them, but you can encourage and support open communication and loving behavior.

redpepper 11-06-2009 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 11275)
Ultimately, the responsibility for the state of their relationship rests with them, but you can encourage and support open communication and loving behavior.

This, and that's all.

It isn't really for you to say what she does in her other relationship. If it seems she is being hasty, then that may be something to watch out for if she starts another relationship and you are the one that she may drop. She may very well of been thinking about leaving before you came along. Perhaps also she finds poly too much work and would far more enjoy being just with you... who knows.. sounds like some more communication is in order.

BigGuy 11-06-2009 02:14 PM

What would you do if the three of you were just best friends, had no romantic involvement and they were having a dispute?

My recommendation is to be supportive, but leave it up to them to work it out. I would hesitate being a sounding board for either party, but that's me. Because of the closeness you share with both of them, getting involved increases the risk of your relationship with either one of them (or both) being damaged is pretty high.


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