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-   -   Evrchanging's Blog About Loving Two (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11395)

evrchanging 06-24-2011 09:03 PM

Evrchanging's Blog About Loving Two
I love boys, I love girls, I love the in between as well. I am a female. I love to be a male energy in my family. Strong, and hardworking. I love to be the rock for my wife (55). I love to hold her tightly, and kiss her face. I enjoy pinching her newly grown teenage like breasts, and giving her sister talks about girly things. 8 years we have been together. Like the many layers, and colors of nail paint have I slathered on her times have been bright blue, neon orange, purple, red, and green. We have seen each other through the gloss and the chips.

We have two children. A seven year old, and a soon to be two year old. Not long after the second one was born Jewels sex drive plummeted, at the same time my sex drive skyrocketed. On top of sexual issues we hit money issues, and even got sucked up in a family drama (which I usually avoid, but it was a direct attack at tearing apart my family). We hit a hard bump. She hit hard medications, I nose dived into depression.

We have a deep friend of ours who has become intermeshed with the family. We both were working through it with him, as a third listening ear. He is a single man. He has actually held this family together. He loves us both, in different ways of course. He seen the fact that I was a raging horny 26 year old, with no personal space for even masturbation (We are temp. living in an R.V.). He seen that Jewel was depressed that she couldn't satisfy my insatiable desire. I will call him my Sex Toy (58).

I went to Jewel first who said it was okay to have sex with him. He had a vasectomy, and seemed to be okay.Then I went to him and told him I wasn't looking to run away from my responsibilities, or my wife, but I wanted to fuck, I needed it.

He was happy to oblige after he talked to Jewel. I remember how gingerly they approached each other, on Christmas 2010. Jewel, and Sex Toy both agreed that it would be okay, and it was okay with the both of them.

Two days later I spent my first night over there and was happy bow-legged all the next day. Things where going good. We hadn't worked through some deep issues in our marriage. We practiced me going over to his place once a week for a couple of months. In Feb, Jewel left with the kids for two weeks at grandmas to get over the pain meds, and deal with where our marriage was going.

She wanted me to stop seeing him. She was jealous and insecure. I agreed, and he agreed. We took a month break. This was mainly for Jewel but everyone benefited from it. Then one day out of the blue in May Jewel decided it was okay for me to be with Him.

Sex Toy and I have a great friendship she calls synergistic. We have known each other for a year. Both attracted to each other but never stepped outta bounds without Jewels okay first. We spend a lot of time together without sex. Just bonding, making stupid jokes, and helping each other out.

I think that now that we are 6th month together, Sex Toy has relaxed enough to call me his girlfriend, and so has Jewel. She comes up with crazy names that make him blush like fiancee was last nights, and sometimes wife if I get bossy or cranky with him.

I cool his loneliness, and depression. I give him a reason to cook again, revive his art. He loves to make me breakfast. Who can complain about that? He can be himself, and play with the kids. He loves to hang out with them and even babysit, as he has had no kids himself. Rayne my oldest asked him if we were having sex, (a 7 year old without a t.v.?) because of one of my pillows on his bed. At which point he choked on his coffee, then politely changed the subject.

Because of Sex Toy working with me and satisfying me to the point of no return many many times over, Jewel has completely relaxed into the female role. It is great to see her finally let go, and be. I painted her nails a gorgeous deep purple and she hasn't hid them from anyone for a change. Everyone that is considered our friend knows, and is okay with her. She is finally hitting the point of no return. She is just blossoming!

I honestly love both of them. Like my children, I do not love them equally. Each one brings something very special to me. Like being a mother, I can honestly give them each a full cup of love, understanding, and caring. Jewel has come to see the beauty in sharing my love, and realizing that he is not getting jipped in anyway.

There is a background. I have many questions and many things I just want to ramble about. Jewel is my first, Sex Toy is my second, so my experience level is low. I will post them as they come up.

SNeacail 06-24-2011 10:16 PM

Your bf needs a better name than Sex Toy :p, because he sounds like so much more. Just saying.:D

evrchanging 06-25-2011 04:50 PM

Yes, I think it is safe for me to call him my boyfriend, or lover.

My momma knows that I am with another person. She thinks it is a FWB, and just cannot fathom the poly. She had a loong convo. with Jewel about how she would break up with anyone who had an "affair". Note: this woman is nutts, and very selfish. She has been trying to tear me and Jewel apart for how long. Anyway I am on the momma tear because I am nutts enough to help her with her garage sale this weekend. I am hoping my night in shinning armor, my lover, will come and save me on Monday. This is were he gets a little possessive and evil with my mom. In a cute-ish way, not life threatening. I think Jewel needs to take note and express for reals how she feels about her too. Just saying. Fingers crossed for a Friday night sleep over.

evrchanging 06-27-2011 02:00 AM

With the heat bearing down mid day Jewel stripped down and took a nap. A year ago with the oldest distracted and us in our own space it would have been a time to make love. I jumped in bed with her. She wasn't very responsive. I ran my fingers down her back, touched her legs played with her breasts. She was awake yet no reactions besides a giggle or a moan. I nipped her here and there. I nipped her trying for attention, expressing my love, lust, and aggregation. I rubbed against her. With even the slightest bit more nail I dug into her back on last time, as a parting I love you. I got up to give her some peace. I distracted myself from the sinking depression that comes upon me sometimes. I wonder if I have lost my main partner as she has turned more into my sister. I don't want a sister. I donít want to just be cuddled and half heartedly grouped on rare occasions. I want her to touch me, feel me, kiss me passionately. Maybe after all these years her flame has died out, but I want it back, I want it to burn like mine. If she is not interested in females then she needs to let me know. She needs to let herself know. My lover/boyfriend is not a replacement for her, and will never be.

BrigidsDaughter 06-27-2011 02:30 AM

I wonder if she is feeling a bit replaced by your boyfriend. You turned to him when her sex drive plummetted, so perhaps she isn't feeling needed by you in that way. There were a couple years where I was on medication and wasn't very interested in sex, except for when I was. It was very frustrating and while Runic Wolf had permission to sleep with others sometimes it hurt that I couldn't provide that for him because the mind and heart were willing.

evrchanging 06-28-2011 11:45 PM

Right now I am containing my urge to go over to his house and rip his clothes off. Our garden is almost in which means more time for everyone. I have set a date night for Friday. I feel proud because I set it this time not so much out of convince but simply because I want to. It is a bold move for me. I admitting I have a need I want met head on. Now I am trying not to make it seem like I am counting down the days. He was sweet and strong for me yesterday. I had something really hard to do, and I did it. He didn't baby me, but in his own way metaphorically held my hand. I seen my lover yesterday. I just needed to borrow something and had tagalong 7 year old. We managed to snatch a moment alone where he gives me six quick yet passionate kisses on the lips. I can tell how he wants more, and he can tell I wanted more. I love stealing moments like this. With a quirky smile on my face, we headed home. Jewel on the other hand was the shoulder to cry on, the body to cuddle up next to, the softness I needed as I faced the harshness of the world. We have been working tell we are exhausted rabbit proofing our garden, and taking care of our farm work. As long as we have been together working with her is like working with myself. When we get in the right space everything flows without much verbal communication between us. She knows and I know. What? I don't know.

evrchanging 06-29-2011 04:49 PM

Sometimes I have pangs of guilt. Small and crude. Why can't I let go sometimes? I was talking on the phone with lover today. He is lonely and it took almost an hour to get him off the phone. I don't know what made the guilt creep up after that. I think its just life is stressful right now in general. Anyway as I am sitting here goofing on the computer with 2 year old snoring in my lap she starts talking about lover. We were going over his depression and the bout with his sickness this winter. She asks if he is excited he gets to see me in a couple of days. I shift my weight slightly and smile at her. She says itís a great relationship. I get what I need and he gets, love, company, a warm body. Its so simple, Jewel states, that people just don't get it. She smiles stating what a commitment he has for me waiting so patiently, caring so deeply, loving not only me but the whole family. I feel all warm and fuzzy now.

evrchanging 06-29-2011 07:46 PM

have been reading the boards. The different ways of loving each other. Loving and growing expanding and contracting. I have grown as well. I found this board months ago. I would creep on look for a few seconds then get off quickly. Slowing I started spreading my horizons out. I started seeing all the dynamics good, and bad. I signed on then waited. Finally I put up an introduction. Then I lurked around the board afraid to stick my toes in still. Finally I am here and writing up a storm all these things that have been trapped inside me. I don't have anyone except this spot to express, and talk. Words are just flowing flowing out of me.

evrchanging 06-30-2011 05:46 AM

Red pepper made a post bringing up a point that I would have never thought of. Metamour love. The connection Jewel and Lover have. The friendship grew and stuck before the dynamic shifted.

How I am proud of Jewel and Lover with their Metamour love. They were friends before and now they are even stronger friends. They face arising issues head on together. They can be alone together working and talking. Sometimes I wonder what they say about me. :eek: No weirdness, no power trips, just brandy and coffee.

Jewel talked to him on the phone today as I was headed out to go see him. I didn't know this tell I seen him waiting with the air compressor to fill up my tire. Jewel and I were talking about how my tire was low. Jewel I found out way later thanked him so much for being such a help in the family (non relationship related), and seeing us through a tough time we had at the beginning of the year.

So he was for once happy, and relaxed. I was healing from a rough week, and he was there for me. I made him coffee. He kissed me. I pushed him down and kissed him some more. Lover giggles as I can't seem to keep my paws out of his pants for more than two seconds. I finally got my way with him. Like he is going to complain. :p

As I was headed home I felt guilt creeping up on me. I had been gone for four hours. It is 15-20 min there. We cuddle and screw for two hours min. His version of a quickie. I like to give him lots of energy, and just hang for a couple of hours min. Anyway all this is going through my mind as I am headed home on the dusty roads at 730pm.

I quickly realize this time obsession is ridiculous as Jewel greats me at the gate happy as a new puppy to see me. I relax into her arms and kiss her. Nobody has minded my absence. Instead, Jewel talks about hanging out with the woogie (2 year old) and having fun. 7 year old, The Dew, is hanging in her own world.

Its okay. Everyone is okay. I must tell myself it is okay for me to enjoy myself. Which I did enjoy every min. Lover enjoyed every min. If I get my weekly sleepover I will tell myself this motherly worry is okay, but I am not going to let it eat at me. Jewel is my other half and she does a great job of managing while I am gone. Its no big deal. There is no reason for the guilt. Jewel loves me, understands me, and wants to be with me. New goal: relax!!

evrchanging 06-30-2011 05:58 PM


Very interesting article. I am having fun reading the comments afterword. People sometimes, Sheesh.

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