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-   -   Triad Situations I am curious....a million questions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11389)

Abstract 06-24-2011 06:23 PM

Triad Situations I am curious....a million questions
 
I am wondering how people work out a triad situation and manage to keep everyone in the situation happy....

Are there people who are content to live in a separate house from thier significate other and never expect to live with them, but still feel like they are loved and getting what they need?

How often do you generally see this person?
Does it work for you?
Do you see other people to fill the void?
What if you couldnt live with them, and you didn't see anyone else, and this was a situation you wanted long term, do you still think all your needs would be met?



What about living together......

If you do live with 3 people.....

Is time and attention equal?
Do you get equal say in the house hold?
If not are you ok with that?


What are the rules that exist....if any?
Does everyone find these rules to be fair?
Does one person always feel like they are making a sacrifice to follow rules they don't really want to?
If your the one who wants/needs the rules, do you feel like the bad guy? or that you are making other people unhappy?
Do people initially agree to rules to make someone happy, and than want them to change, what if the rules will never change?

Can someone except not being the priority in the 3 way relationship?

What about alone time, and privacy, how do people do that, are things scheduled? It seems like there isn't much excitment in scheduling sex and things?

Do people all share one bedroom usually?

Anythings that really seem to work well that people have tried, in terms of having a live in or non-live-in triad where everyone really is happy?

BlackUnicorn 06-24-2011 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
Are there people who are content to live in a separate house from thier significate other and never expect to live with them, but still feel like they are loved and getting what they need?

Yep. I need my space. Not that moving in wouldn't be impossible at some later point, but it would require a lot of pre-thought and agreements.

Take my LDR with Sweetheart. Living together is never going to happen. The whole pattern of the relationship is very different from a traditional meet someone, move in together, get married, have a child -model. I think a long-term holiday romance would be the closest thing to describing what we've got. And I am totally happy. Okay, not totally - I would really wish to be able to communicate with him on a more regular basis.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
How often do you generally see this person?
Does it work for you?

I try to do two times a week, except for Sweetheart, whom I see when I can :(. It's hard when there's strong NRE going on, and I have thought about making it three times a week, but that would require some serious re-negotiation as to my current family situation. I don't see that happening in the near future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
Do you see other people to fill the void?

Yes, I'm dating four people, one is an LDR and two of them are married to each other. I don't think of it as filling the void. Each of them is an unique relationship - I didn't set out thinking 'you know, four people would be really nice, two men and two women, one couple, one LDR, so I am going to look for that'.

I did start out looking for a couple. When I accidentally met Sweetheart in the process, I did tell him that I couldn't be his secondary and just grow resentful and forlorn in an LDR, that I needed a primary of my own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
What if you couldnt live with them, and you didn't see anyone else, and this was a situation you wanted long term, do you still think all your needs would be met?

Maybe I didn't catch the question. If I wanted this for long-term, at least I would presume it would meet all my needs? For me, mono secondary status wouldn't work.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
Can someone except not being the priority in the 3 way relationship?

Hmm, I would think, as there is not a single three-way relationship but three individual couple relations, of course I would except to be a priority in the relationships I am actually involved in. In a family situation when everyone is living together, somebody usually needs more support and attention than the others. I think the key is making sure it is not always the same person who needs all the attention, support and time. If there are kids involved, they are of course the priority - that is what families are for.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
What about alone time, and privacy, how do people do that, are things scheduled? It seems like there isn't much excitment in scheduling sex and things?

Hehee, sex dates and just hang-out dates too are extremely exciting to schedule and wait for. I try to strive for equality in terms of how much I spend time with both members of the couple.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
Do people all share one bedroom usually?

I personally wouldn't share a bedroom on a permanent basis with anyone. I mean, what if you have totally different sleeping schedules, somebody snores or hogs the pillows? Having your own room is important for me - it is somewhere you can go and be totally alone and by yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
Anythings that really seem to work well that people have tried, in terms of having a live in or non-live-in triad where everyone really is happy?

I guess the most important things in a triad for me are a strive towards equality, honesty in communication about feelings and expectations, and commitment to spend alone time with both of your partners.

nycindie 06-24-2011 09:16 PM

If you click on the Search button above ^^ you will see a little drop-down box which has a link to "Tag Search." Click there and it will take you to a page where the popular tags are listed (and a search box below). Check out the links for triad and triads and you will have a ton of threads to peruse where all these issues are discussed. reading others' stories and threads where they address problems/issues/joys is a good way to learn about it (I can't offer any feedback since I've never been in a triad). Happy reading!

Abstract 06-24-2011 10:00 PM

Thank you for taking the time to read and answer all of my questions. It is nice to have feedback and perspective from an outsider.

I am going to check out the links now thanks

: )

Polymonial 06-25-2011 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
If you do live with 3 people... Is time and attention equal? Do you get equal say in the house hold?

For our tribe, yes. (At least I hope so, and if not, we'd talk about it.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
What are the rules that exist....if any?
Does everyone find these rules to be fair?
Does one person always feel like they are making a sacrifice to follow rules they don't really want to?
If your the one who wants/needs the rules, do you feel like the bad guy? or that you are making other people unhappy?
Do people initially agree to rules to make someone happy, and than want them to change, what if the rules will never change?

We're polyfi and consider everyone as an equal / primary. We have assigned date nights, kids nights, and family nights, so we all get time with each other. Actually works out extremely well, better than as just a couple. Very few (if any) other rules that I can think of, except to talk when one's needs aren't being met so we can fix that together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
Can someone expect not being the priority in the 3 way relationship?

Not if everyone is a primary, 'tho some tribes may distinguish between primaries, secondaries, and even tertiaries. To each their own, and ultimately the tribe decides.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
What about alone time, and privacy, how do people do that, are things scheduled? It seems like there isn't much excitement in scheduling sex and things? Do people all share one bedroom usually?

As a vee, we don't share one bedroom. And you're right, there's not much excitement in scheduling, but it's necessary. Get yourself a good smartphone, create a Google calendar, and share it between everyone so you can all manage your time (including sleeping hours) together.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
Anythings that really seem to work well that people have tried, in terms of having a live in or non-live-in triad where everyone really is happy?

In the triad of three people, A+B+C (with B as the fulcrum), if it's A+B's turn to spend the night together, C has a chance to has sex with B before A+B run off together. And visa versa. That way, everyone has the opportunity to have sex with their partner every night if they want, even if it's not their turn to sleep together. That arrangement/rule has worked extremely well for us.

Magdlyn 06-25-2011 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
I am wondering how people work out a triad situation and manage to keep everyone in the situation happy....

Are there people who are content to live in a separate house from thier significate other and never expect to live with them, but still feel like they are loved and getting what they need?

I am not in a triad, but I have a poly gf. She also has a bf and I am dating and looking. I've had a few relationships of 3 mos to 2 years, of varying degrees of intensity and commitment.

Quote:

How often do you generally see this person?
My gf and I each have our own apts, about 20 miles apart. We spend about half the week together, either at her place or mine.

Quote:

Does it work for you?
Do you see other people to fill the void?
Yes to both.

Quote:

What if you couldnt live with them, and you didn't see anyone else, and this was a situation you wanted long term, do you still think all your needs would be met?
You mean, if I was mono, but my partner was poly? That would depend on how independent I was (if I were mono, which I am not). Most monos here in relationship with polys tend to work hard on having lots of friends and hobbies to focus on for when their poly partner is with someone else.


Quote:

What about living together......

If you do live with 3 people.....

Is time and attention equal?
Do you get equal say in the house hold?
If not are you ok with that?
Look at Redpepper's blog thread. She has a bf and a husband living with her, and she and Mono are very chatty about it all.

Quote:

What are the rules that exist....if any?
Does everyone find these rules to be fair?
Does one person always feel like they are making a sacrifice to follow rules they don't really want to?
If your the one who wants/needs the rules, do you feel like the bad guy? or that you are making other people unhappy?
Do people initially agree to rules to make someone happy, and than want them to change, what if the rules will never change?
The word boundary seems to be more useful than rule. Yes, boundaries can be flexible and shift depending on people's comfort levels and changing needs. Everyone's feelings are important and boundaries need to be able to attain as much equal comfort and joy as possible.


Quote:

What about alone time, and privacy, how do people do that, are things scheduled?
Yes.

Quote:

It seems like there isn't much excitment in scheduling sex and things?
Huh, if you've ever lived with your parents while being sexually active, or had kids, you know sex needs to be scheduled.

Quote:

Do people all share one bedroom usually?
Rarely, it seems.

Good list of questions!

GroundedSpirit 06-25-2011 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 88340)
I am wondering how people work out a triad situation and manage to keep everyone in the situation happy....


Hello Abstract,

Well, you have a lot of very legitimate questions there. Far too many to try to address in one - or a dozen - posts. I'd recommend that you just spend some time browsing here - using the search features as someone recommended - to pick particular topics of interest.

The long & short of it is this.
Poly relationship include 'people' ! So all of the things the make 'people' happy & unhappy are components - and that varies as much as humans vary.
It's all about good communication and striking balance that makes as many people as happy/fulfilled as can be reasonably achieved. Nobody gets everything they want (rarely at least) and what you do get requires some serious effort. Like most anything else.

Most of the questions you raise are just usual questions that involve social interaction. What the answer will be depends on the people involved but I'm sure what you know about people will apply here also. Most of it is common sense and CONSIDERATION !

Feel free to come back with specific questions if you don't get any insights from seeing what's already been posted before you.

GS

Abstract 07-02-2011 01:29 AM

Thanks to everyone for your post : )

I see now that I also miss used some termonology. Although I am not very new to poly, I am still new enough. I am new to having a name for it and being able to have people to talk to about it : ) so I never really learned what labels other people used to explain their situations

At this very present moment it's just me and my partner. We have lived with one of her BF before, and I think I said triad, what I meant was 'V'. I guess I am asking most of my questions based on that experience.

I am trying to figure out, is if its the person we choose to have move in with us that didn't work, or if its the situation that doesnt work, or both.

I am totally ok with my partner having a BF, or BF's, but the living together I really struggel with. We have talked about at some point trying that again. Or at least we don't want to be closed off to the possibility.


I read a lot of the post, and look up many of my questions. I just figured everyone situation is very different, and if I asked questions rather than put my issues out there. People would just tell me what works for them rather than try and tell me what might work in my situation. Plus it is a way not to bring the past "bad" experience into this, and get a list of all the things we did wrong, I just wanted to focuse on what we could do better in the future.

Thank you everyone!

redpepper 07-02-2011 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 89659)
I am trying to figure out, is if its the person we choose to have move in with us that didn't work, or if its the situation that doesnt work, or both.

I am totally ok with my partner having a BF, or BF's, but the living together I really struggel with. We have talked about at some point trying that again. Or at least we don't want to be closed off to the possibility.

It's working for us. But ya, everyone is different. :)

nycindie 07-02-2011 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abstract (Post 89659)
I am totally ok with my partner having a BF, or BF's, but the living together I really struggel with. We have talked about at some point trying that again. Or at least we don't want to be closed off to the possibility.

There's no requirement in poly for all people involved to live together! If it's not comfortable to add someone to your home, don't do it! Especially if the relationship is new, like less than a year old - you need time to grow to know someone. It can still be a loving, nurturing relationship with separate living spaces. Some people divide their time during the week at two homes - read Vodkafan's threads about that. But you certainly don't have to move the bf or any other lovers in with you! And it's not indicative of something wrong or incorrect if you don't!


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